Hyper independence

[Lm404061]

I suffer with this due to a traumatic childhood resulting in me having to rely on myself and having difficulty trusting others. I think everyone will leave me anyway, so what’s the point? I have quite superficial relationships and I really want to change this. I want to find a long term partner.
Has anyone else been in this position and been able to successfully turn things around for themselves? If so what actionable steps did you take? Is it just a case of slowly giving people a chance and seeing where it goes? Or maybe learning to trust yourself more?
Thanks for any advice!

Get lots of therapy and learn from other relationships, such as your friends, that you can actually hold down a relationship. I was accused of this with my last partner, when in reality he was stonewalling me by ignoring me totally for days on end then when I didn't rise to that I was too independent. So first, make sure you aren't listening to bastards when you label yourself! It took me ages with a therapist afterwards unpicking that he was trying to put the blame on me for the breakup rather than admit his own issues. Because I CAN live happily by myself and do things solo, doesn't mean I am incapable of love or that I wasn't trying in that relationship - as is evidenced by the many friends I still have from my school days and have picked up and kept along the way.

As PP said, do get some therapy to deal with the trauma from your childhood. I don’t have trauma or a reason to be very independent but I am, and have been accused of being too independent in my previous relationships. There is nothing wrong being independent. Think of it as being strong, independent woman and the man you would have a relationship with, can either embrace it or he is not the right person for you

I think the first step is acknowledging you have a problem and wanting to change it. So congrats on that.

There is nothing wrong with independence but believing everyone will leave goes far beyond that.

I dated a guy who was avoidantly attached who said those very words to me. I ended up leaving because on a subconscious level that belief system meant that he constantly pushed me away, was hot/cold, actions didnt match words, inconsistent etc. So I left, which confirmed to him that he was right all along but the sad thing was that it was entirely his own behaviour that meant his belief became a self fulfilling prophecy. If he hadn't behaved like that, I wouldn't have left.

It's an experience I wouldn't repeat personally 😅 so like PPs have said get some therapy and maybe check out Thais Gibson on YouTube also if you think you may have an avoidant attachment style.

Good luck!

I had a realisation when I was 6 years old that I had to rely on myself because I knew that I couldn't rely on my parents.
I built myself into an independent woman via my career. It wasnt easy and I failed a few times. But I relied on myself to get through it. If I could survive my parents, I could survive anything!
I don't think it's about letting people in. I think its developing yourself to be independent and be happy...then allowing someone in...if you think they're worthy enough to be let in.
Up your game and stop the past dictating your life. Be a fighter....