Left my abusive husband after 17 years

[Newbeginnings23]

Hi,

I just needed somewhere to type out the words that today I have finally left my husband after years of emotional, financial, physical, control and coercion abuse!

I didn’t plan for this to happen today. But he flipped at me for not reading a message of his ‘leaving him on delivered’ and him then accusing me of messaging someone else because I didn’t respond when he could see I had been online.

thei is not a new behaviour it is something I have been dealing with for uears. But have always wanted to fight for our marriage and our children.

we split two years ago for a short period of time as he was physical towards me, but I was weak and returned to him. For a short time he changed but slowly the old behaviours have crept back. Last week he said I looked bulimic because I’ve lost 4 stone in weight and told me he no longer was attracted to me. Previously he had wished my cancer would come back and I’d die. Writing this words now I’m just amazed how I ever stayed.

today I have left the house when he refused to leave. I have taken my two youngest kids and am staying with my parents. This is not a long term solution and wondered what my options maybe moving forward?

I am determined not to return. I was living each day walking on egg shells and I am a shadow of the woman I once was.

Well done! You're amazing!

It will get easier. Have you checked to see what CMS you’re entitled to? He has to support the kids and keep a roof over their heads.

What an absolute shit he has been. He said what about your cancer? I don’t call many people this, but he is the true definition of an absolute cunt.

You’ve taken the first step which is brave - huge thing - and it’s the first step of the rest of your life.

How are you feeling? Are the kids okay? I hope your parents are being supportive.

Try and get some free legal advice or seek advice from women’s refuge. He is an abusive POS.

Well done. Be strong; it’s hard but worth it. Been there (two decades similar time to you).

You can do this one breath, minute, hour at a time… until it’s years and you’re free.

Managed to leave 6 years ago and every single day I am grateful. My house is healthy and peaceful. Kids are happier too 🙏

I recently read that the mind often blocks out the awful parts of the cycle of abuse as a coping mechanism.
So you stay longer because the brain fog only allows you to reflect on the good times most of the time.
Your body feels the bad times and is ready to let you grieve etc but only when you feel safe (holidays away from him etc)
Anyway a way of helping you not to return is to note down (in your phone?) Of the situations of abuse. For you to read through regularly when you're having a time where you're considering going back.
An addition I would always list the way it effected the kids - if they saw it, if they took his side like some victims of abuse do to protect themselves of being the next target, how their behaviour changed as a result.
I think protective mums often tolerate so much because of the idea of leaving their kids alone with the abuser is just too much.
Speak to solicitors about having full custody and for him to only have supervised visits for a period of time. Do it first and this will also reduce your likelihood of wanting to return.

Ime leaving dc behind is a bad move.. Can you send a taxi for them?

Ime leaving dc behind is a bad move.. Can you send a taxi for them?

Get some legal advice regarding divorce. FLOWS can offer free legal advice as can Rights of Women. Wikivorce has lots of information as does the CABx website.

If you have nowhere to go, here's some info on what to do.

Contact a domestic abuse organisation for further support. Your local council will have the details.

@Ughn0tryte
"I recently read that the mind often blocks out the awful parts of the cycle of abuse as a coping mechanism."
This.
I've read so many threads here and am appalled at what so many women feel they have to put up with. On one thread some years ago, a poster said she just made herself emotionally numb in order to cope, another said she turned to alcohol which made things worse. I feel angry on these women's behalf.
Well done OP for having the courage to leave.

Stay strong, you have all my best wishes. You will get plenty of advice here. I also did the same, 7 years ago, and I love my life now.

Well done to you. I did the same many years go Gradually you will recover and find the joy in simple things like listening to the music you choose or watching the programmes you like. Discovering ways of spending your time as you wish. Wearing what you choose. Making friends. Talking to people. Having a lie in. You will rediscover your life x

Thank you everyone who has commented and shared their own experience and offered words of encouragement and support.

it’s been a rollercoaster day of emotions today, he has been massaging suggesting we co-habit (which I have said no to) as I know that is not viable . But I’m struggling so bad with double guessing my decision, questioning if it was all really that bad.
I have brought a note book and I am going to write down everything that he has said and done that is abusive so that I can remind myself of why I left.

That's a good idea. He's going to say all sorts of crap to try and persuade you, don't listen to him. It's too little too late.

But I’m struggling so bad with double guessing my decision, questioning if it was all really that bad.

Why would you want more of this:

Previously he had wished my cancer would come back and I’d die.