Separation advice

[Floam6195]

Hi there, I think this is a common post but I am totally miserable in my marriage and feel like there is a lot of bullying and gaslighting going on. I have made the decision to separate although I haven't told my husband yet. For context we have 2 small children, we both work full time although he earns double my salary and we have about £500-£600k equity in our home (nearly half of which I foolishly contributed in inheritance, but please no negative comments as it's done now and I'm already feeling pretty low) but very little in the way of savings (he has approximately £10-15k I think although he has told me he spent it but I know he is lying). My salary is approx £55k.
On a practical level where do I go from here in separating and I guess divorcing? I think he doesn't believe I ever would but I wrote a list of reasons to do so the other say and after writing 26 reasons I knew I can't bury my head in the sand any longer. So I'd really appreciate any advice anyone can give. Ideally I'd like to keep it amicable as I know we will need to co-parent for a long time yet. Ideally I would like to buy a little 3 bed for my children and I and properties in our area similar to that usually go for approximately £500k. Would I be able to afford this? I'm desperate to feel free and have my own safe space where he can't control and criticise everything. Thank you in advance.

Don’t forget pensions in your calculations.

Do you have any views on child arrangements?

Amicability is a fine ambition but don’t expect him (or you for that matter) to be able to get through the separation with no difficulties. You might want to start reading some books about boundaries/assertiveness or even get some solo relationship counselling if you’ve been whittled away by him over the years.

There’s the immediate short term to consider, then the long term. Short term is there anywhere you or he can go while the house is on the market? How is he likely to react, and what’s your best response to that? What are your joint assets including pensions - what information can you gather before making your announcement?

Thank you for taking the time to respond @olderbutwiser. I agree and am under no illusion it will stay amicable, but I want to do my best at this stage to keep civil. The toughest thing for me in facing this is the thought of regular time away from my children, although I would expect that we will stay living fairly close to each other as we are both quite settled here, so if we can keep at a point where we allow each other phone calls, can occasionally pop over to drop something off for a child and say night to them etc. that will help me. And also we have shared friends and live in quite a small place. I would like to be with my children as much as possible, ideally much more than half the time, but I don't know if he would want to try for 50/50. Our children are 3 and nearly 5.
Re pensions, I remember when we remortgaged a couple of years ago that his was around £200-£250k then. Mine is currently just under £50k. We don't have a any other joint assets other than our car, although I think that is in his name so I'm not sure if it would be classed as his or joint.
I may well do solo counselling down the line, thank you. But I feel ok for now. (I actually tried to get us to do some joint relationship counselling before reaching this point but he has refused. He is also refusing to contribute to things like my childs birthday party, clubs that they attend, etc. so I am currently paying for these alone but that is another story!).
I know he will refuse to move out of our home saying why should he, he can't afford to rent somewhere else on top of our mortgage etc and I am ok with that as we are lucky enough to own quite a big home (although he does criticise everything I do in our home), and I know there is an end in sight, but any advice on how to handle this would be really appreciated as I feel very scared (although weirdly also a little excited to be free and be able to breathe again) and out of my depth. I worry a solicitor will charge me a fortune which I don't have as disposable cash at the moment.

Hi op, does h know what your thinking of doing, how will he react, amazing if you could both talk about it and make decisions together for the children and finance's, this would be great, would he be prepared to sell property and could you both live in home until sale if it can be amicable, your children are young still and it would be great for you two to have a amicable friendship ' let's say' for the sake of the children, only when I separated my children were young adults, then came along grandchildren, babysitting, hospital visits, birthdays, christening, xmas nursery runs, pickups, drop offs, only mentioning these as this is you now but that's when we became amicable, around the children and GC we are there , friendly, it was the best because we have all our GC spending lovely time making memories, it's a hard road but so worth it to get to a point that you can both do this, you may be along way off but always keep it in mind for the future, how you communicate now to start this process is key, why I asked ' how h will react '

@Omgblueskys thank you. Yes I will aim for amicable as I would like that for my girls. But I don't think he will take it will and I expect he will fight as much as he possibly can.

Would anyone have any advice on where to start with all this? Do I go and see a solicitor? Thanks

I think the first thing to do is to get copies of all relevant documents while you still can. Marriage certificate, house deeds, all bank accounts and recent statements if possible. Hold on to children's passport, etc. You will need all this for divorce proceedings.

It sounds crazy, I know. But I never thought my husband of 20 years would be hiding anything, or not be fair. But I shouldn't have been surprised that despite being my decision to break-up he managed to get a girlfriend before I move out of the house and was planning to take the kids on holidays with gf without asking me....seems par for the course.

Sorry to hear your marriage is not going well.

I don’t have advice but want to say you are not alone to found misery in marriage.

Yes you should, have you family/ friends support, gov.uk you can start divorce process which is informative along with financial process, worth looking at for information,

There is no " his" savings and " his" car etc. They are marital assets.

Yes, get some legal advice. Someone posted a website on our local community facebook page today which had some blogs that might help www.todfamilylaw.com/blog

Just to add, many solicitors will have a free chat with you

Firstly, gather as much info as you can on all assets and debts in his and your names - pensions, investments, savings accounts, ISAs, credit/debit cards, cars, property, shares ...
Record all this on a spreadsheet.
Note down any big transactions eg your inheritance, any bonus payments you/he usually receive etc ...

Then book an appointment with a solicitor and go along armed with as much info as you can get.

Do not treat your solicitor as a friend or counsellor - their time is very expensive, and the less scrupulous ones will happily chat for hours when you are paying the bill. Keep it concise and factual, and give them clear instructions (eg all correspondence to be conducted through solicitors- i had to instruct my solicitor several times not to enter into correspondence directly with my ex-husband-to-be).

There is an advantage in being the person who files for divorce- you get to control the timetable.

Be prepared for it to get nasty, as it inevitably does over money. Don't give in - your retired self will thank you!

Good luck.

@Floam6195 I'm not saying don't separate if that is definitely you want, but just that 50/50 is bloody hard, especially at first when it feels so strange and lonely. My boys went 50/50 at 3 and 6 years old and the transition to every other week when I had been primary carer was huge. They are 15 and 18 now.