Separate bedrooms

[Helphelpx]

Hi
Me & my partner got into a relationship extremely quickly due to an unplanned pregnancy. We moved in together & were extremely blissfully happy for about a year. We had another baby and another 18 months later.

My kids are now 4,3 & 1. I've returned to work & we both work shift work which is extremely hard. We have childcare when we are both at work but try to arrange shifts so we need this very little so one of us always has the kids.

Recently things feel very stressful in our relationship and I feel response for additional duties- cleaning, shopping etc.

There is also other stresses going on and I just feel like we are on completely different wavelengths. No matter what I do to try to talk about this partner will be dismissive, no address issue, never apologize etc.

I apologize regularly after snapping being tired etc and trying to resolve things but he refuses to ever admit any fault when I feel like I am constantly admitting fault. I believe a lot of our issues are in his inability to communicate & take any form of responsibility for even minor faults.

This has been going on for over a year. We have a spare bedroom and I am thinking of moving into this.

Will this make it worse or will it help him take me seriously and understand I need to see effort in our relationship or else it is doomed.

If we had no kids I definitely would feel it was time for a break.

I love him very much and he is amazing in many ways but I have no interest in sweeping things under the rug or a going through the motions relationships.

Perhaps is it just the stress of 3 young kids? But I know if I let this go on much longer a will build up a wall between us.

Any advice please

Don't have more kids. Separate bedroom might backfire.
Operate on the basis he won't change only you can change yourself and expectations.
You work so much, why are you having 3 kids with a dusty. He should work more and you raise your kids at home.

I do raise my kids. We plan to have no more.
Like I said the kids are usually with one or the other one of us except for maybe 10 hours a week

It sounds like it's just cheaper to stay together

It most definitely is cheaper in the economic climate we are in. But no I would like things to return to the way they were if this is possible. But would separate bedrooms help. That's the questions

It most definitely is cheaper in the economic climate we are in. But no I would like things to return to the way they were if this is possible. But would separate bedrooms help. That's the questions

I don’t think it would help no.

Have you ever heard of the 4 horsemen by the Gottman Institute?
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
It's basically a study that lines out the most damaging communication strategies, which are destructive in relationships. Defensiveness is one of them. Usually they go hand in hand and couples tend to show several of them between the both of them.

My partner was extremely defensive for a very long time, and I can absolutely say it almost broke our relationship.
Why people are defensive is different for everyone. Usually at the core is a fragile self esteem, so defensiveness is used to preserve what little self esteem they have. That doesn't justify it though.

Here are some hard truths though:

• No action on your part is going to convince your husband he needs to stop being defensive
• Unless he realises that defensiveness is never justified, not even when he's under a perceived attack, he will not be open to being held accountable for his actions
• Unless you're willing to look at what other destructive communication strategies you're using, chances are he probably won't look at his own
• In order to talk about communication strategies, you need to stop talking about the content of the triggers. So f.e. don't talk about who has the right way of loading the dishwasher, talk about how you as a couple should be able to have these conversations about dishwashers in a safe way, and what you both need to feel safe talking about it.
• If you've done your part and worked on your own communication strategies and he's not making any changes, you should ask yourself whether you want to stay in this relationship. Don't make empty threats about moving to the guest bedroom unless you mean it.

Relationship counselling would be much more helpful than moving into the spare room.

However, if part of the problem is odd sleep patterns due to working shifts and waking for kids at odd hours, then the spare room might help you both sleep better which makes everything else easier. But you'd need to combine that with more positive interactions in the daytime.

@Girlmom35 this was helpful thank you. I feel I am constantly accessing my on behaviour and saying I think we are 50/50 responsible for any issues etc and that I want to grow, learn, evolve but we need to do this together. I do definitely have my own weaknesses like everyone but I don't feel angry at admitting this I'd rather address them if that makes sense? So I find it difficult to understand his refusal to look at himself.

@parietal I understand this but was thinking the separate bedrooms would be more to give us a bit of space from each other as I feel quite upset at the ongoing issues and struggle not to bring them up. This means we could be around each other during the day or times we are both off and make it positive and just focus on that to start with? Maybe give him space to think?

I assume he's changed and used to be able to communicate and wasn't dismissive. It sounds like he's disengaged from the relationship.

There's not much you can do if he won't talk to you. It's been going on for a year as well, so things aren't looking good.

You're in a very precarious position because you're not married. You work which is great and need to work out what would happen should you split up. House? Childcare? Etc

I'd then sit down with your partner and explain that if he doesn't start to communicate, you're planning on separation.