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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying boyfriend - trust broken

17 replies

Cdp123 · 28/02/2025 13:07

My boyfriend (30) me (28) of 9 years, who is also the Dad to our 18 month old has completely shattered my trust.

He has lied about this woman in the past (he is her manager) when I was pregnant but as far as I was aware it was nothing major so I shoved it off but said if he lies to me again I wouldn't be sticking around.

However, to cut a long story short. He started going to the gym and telling me it was with his male colleague. 2 of my friends saw him at the gym and said it was with a girl. So I asked him a few more times who he was actually with and he kept lying and said he wants to go to the gym every night after work and at weekends. I wasn't happy with this because we have our first baby together so he called me controlling and manipulative.

I naturally looked on his phone (I know I shouldn't but I had to investigate the lies!) And he had indeed been hanging out with the same girl as before. Not only that but they had gone to the sunbeds together too and were planning when they'd next meet. Bare in mind he's her manager...

Alongside these messages, he was being flirty, numerous winky faces, asking where on her body she has freckles, saying he has a tan line where his boxers were & also sent her a photo of his bare legs.

This was the first weekend I was away where he was supposed to be spending it with our daughter. I was away for the night for my mums birthday. What does he do? At gone 8pm at night he invites her over for 'drinks'. Thankfully she declined as she was cooking dinner but I dread to think what would've happened.

I confronted him and he refused to leave the house to give me space, so me and my daughter stayed at my parents for the week. He also told me I was overthinking things and don't want him having a female friend (not the case, it's just there's clear boundaries)

He told me he wants us to he together and he had no intentions of anything happening with her and that she's just a 'friend' and said he lied to me because I'm an 'anxious person on antidepressants'

I've giving him a 2nd chance but I don't feel like he's making an effort. He told me that sitting downstairs with me and my daughter whilst she plays is 'effing boring' and basically he'd only come off his xbox to spend time with us if I 'found us something to do'. He also told me in another conversation to 'shut up'.

I explained for the above reasons why I don't feel like he's trying and he told me to stop going on about it, as well as also shutting me down when I was trying to explain how I felt. I ended up crying. He can't see what he's done wrong and said I should leave him on the xbox and if our daughter wakes from her nap, instead of getting her, I should wait for her to 'cry' !!!!!

I honestly don't know what to do. The trust has been broken and I see him as an entirely different person now. I can't even get help with ONE bit of housework without him saying we should hire a cleaner (I do everything else) . Has anyone been through something similar? What are your experiences? Did you patch things up? We have a baby and a mortgage, so it makes things so much harder and 9 years feels like a long time to throw away but I just can't get through to him.

He's also going out for dinner tonight with 'her' but luckily some of his other team members will be there

He told me anyone who tells me he's in the wrong is only 'stiring the pot'

OP posts:
loropianalover · 28/02/2025 13:14

I honestly don’t know what to do.

Oh OP I think it’s pretty obvious.

He sounds so lame. I’d be so embarrassed if that was my partner. He’s got his first child at home yet his only concerns are gym 7 days a week, his X-box, and monitoring his sun bed tan line? Do you not feel embarrassment when you look at him or when your friends/family interact with him?

You have to re-frame your mind to stop worrying about how to fix him, and to start thinking ‘It’s such a turn off to me when he acts that way.’ ‘This man is not a present father or partner - ew!’

9 years is not a long time to throw away. If you stay with him you’re throwing the rest of your life away. You’re way too young to just resign yourself to this. I’m also 28, our lives are only beginning. You have so much time.

Would you want to stay in the house, or to sell up? Would you live with your parents for a while, while you get on your feet?

Mrsttcno1 · 28/02/2025 13:16

You told him that if he crossed that line you’d be gone, he’s done that and you’ve stayed. That’s his green light really, he can do whatever he wants because you will stay anyway.

Life is too short for this OP.

Omgblueskys · 28/02/2025 13:17

Cdp123 · 28/02/2025 13:07

My boyfriend (30) me (28) of 9 years, who is also the Dad to our 18 month old has completely shattered my trust.

He has lied about this woman in the past (he is her manager) when I was pregnant but as far as I was aware it was nothing major so I shoved it off but said if he lies to me again I wouldn't be sticking around.

However, to cut a long story short. He started going to the gym and telling me it was with his male colleague. 2 of my friends saw him at the gym and said it was with a girl. So I asked him a few more times who he was actually with and he kept lying and said he wants to go to the gym every night after work and at weekends. I wasn't happy with this because we have our first baby together so he called me controlling and manipulative.

I naturally looked on his phone (I know I shouldn't but I had to investigate the lies!) And he had indeed been hanging out with the same girl as before. Not only that but they had gone to the sunbeds together too and were planning when they'd next meet. Bare in mind he's her manager...

Alongside these messages, he was being flirty, numerous winky faces, asking where on her body she has freckles, saying he has a tan line where his boxers were & also sent her a photo of his bare legs.

This was the first weekend I was away where he was supposed to be spending it with our daughter. I was away for the night for my mums birthday. What does he do? At gone 8pm at night he invites her over for 'drinks'. Thankfully she declined as she was cooking dinner but I dread to think what would've happened.

I confronted him and he refused to leave the house to give me space, so me and my daughter stayed at my parents for the week. He also told me I was overthinking things and don't want him having a female friend (not the case, it's just there's clear boundaries)

He told me he wants us to he together and he had no intentions of anything happening with her and that she's just a 'friend' and said he lied to me because I'm an 'anxious person on antidepressants'

I've giving him a 2nd chance but I don't feel like he's making an effort. He told me that sitting downstairs with me and my daughter whilst she plays is 'effing boring' and basically he'd only come off his xbox to spend time with us if I 'found us something to do'. He also told me in another conversation to 'shut up'.

I explained for the above reasons why I don't feel like he's trying and he told me to stop going on about it, as well as also shutting me down when I was trying to explain how I felt. I ended up crying. He can't see what he's done wrong and said I should leave him on the xbox and if our daughter wakes from her nap, instead of getting her, I should wait for her to 'cry' !!!!!

I honestly don't know what to do. The trust has been broken and I see him as an entirely different person now. I can't even get help with ONE bit of housework without him saying we should hire a cleaner (I do everything else) . Has anyone been through something similar? What are your experiences? Did you patch things up? We have a baby and a mortgage, so it makes things so much harder and 9 years feels like a long time to throw away but I just can't get through to him.

He's also going out for dinner tonight with 'her' but luckily some of his other team members will be there

He told me anyone who tells me he's in the wrong is only 'stiring the pot'

Wow!! op, you have answered your own question here, you know what you need to do!!, your gut tells you, please please don't allow him to treat you like this, while he's out tonight pack up and go stay with your mum, this can not be excused of forgiven sorry op you deserve so much better

sidebirds · 28/02/2025 13:22

28 is no age! This selfish man will unfortunately always remain part of your life since you have a child together, but - please - don't waste any more years with this manipulative, disrespectful man-child. Perhaps move in with family to get back on your feet. Creating this thread was the first step in moving on with your life and that of your child.

ShickenNuggeh · 28/02/2025 13:26

You need financial and legal advice because you mention mortgage and a boyfriend. If you can financially leave now do it otherwise milk him and exploit his cheating to your benefit until you have enough of a nest egg to leave but meanwhile dont have sex with him as he might be disease ridden.

Meadowfinch · 28/02/2025 14:22

So he has no interest in his child, is out every night, refuses to address your very reasonable concerns and has already started an affair - whether emotional or physical makes little difference.

He's pushing you to leave, which will make you the bad guy, but will, I think have the same eventual outcome.

Consult a solicitor, get your ducks in a row. Sorry OP.

VoodooQualities · 28/02/2025 14:37

I said if he lies to me again I wouldn't be sticking around.

And ..

However, to cut a long story short. He started going to the gym and telling me it was with his male colleague. 2 of my friends saw him at the gym and said it was with a girl. So I asked him a few more times who he was actually with and he kept lying.

OP, you know what to do, and you're a young 28 years too, there's literally a million men out there who would love to meet you.

Good luck!

Louisiannadaisy · 26/04/2025 14:56

He is an utter disgrace. He is manipulating you and using your mental health against you. Can only imagine the tall tales he tells that girl from work. That girl needs a reality slap round the face too. Show him this thread not one person has agreed with him. Kick him out! Call the police to remove him if you have too. Get him out and don’t take him back. He will never put you’s first.

McHot · 26/04/2025 15:15

This is an easy one. You leave whilst your daughter is too young to be exposed to this imbecile treating you with this level of disrespect. Let gym girl have him and his xbox, honestly he's no loss.

category12 · 26/04/2025 16:58

Your second chance means nothing to him, does it?

He's not trying to make amends or improve your relationship.

You can't mend what's broken on your own. Sorry, OP. I think you should dump his arrogant arse.

AgentJohnson · 26/04/2025 17:07

He doesn’t have to ‘try’ because a) he doesn’t care and b) he knows you won’t end the relationship.

The person you are desperate for him to be isn’t waiting around the corner. This is who he is, save yourself further heartache and get rid.

Goditsmemargaret · 26/04/2025 17:15

Hi OP,

I know it's hard but there really is only one way forward here. You have to leave him. He's a loser. Put you and your baby first. If will be short-term pain for longterm happiness.

worriedmum7777 · 26/04/2025 17:28

There are so many things wrong with him. He’s a really shit excuse for a partner, isn’t he? Lazy, bone idle, selfish - mmm, what a catch!!

You and your dc deserve much better.

is it time to split?

Pinkissmart · 26/04/2025 21:16

But you already gave him a second chance when he lied before?

OP, it doesn't matter if he inserted bits of himself into this woman. He has betrayed you and your relationship. It is impossible for someone who has respect for you, your relationship, and your family to behave in this way.
You can put pressure on someone to try and change their behaviour ( ie, not meet up with other women) but you cannot force respect. This man has none for you.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 26/04/2025 21:22

He knows he can treat you bad so that's what he is doing. You deserve happiness and respect

TheAmusedQuail · 26/04/2025 21:27

He sounds very grim @Cdp123

Not only does he not love you, he doesn't like you. He's told you he finds you boring. The Xbox is more interesting.

He lies.

He is out with another woman tonight (maybe friends are there, maybe not but SHE is there).

He doesn't care about your feelings.

He does nothing around the house.

He doesn't want to spend time with your baby and is happy to leave her until she's crying.

Go home to your parents. It'll hurt for a bit but you'll slowly get your life back. XX

outerspacepotato · 26/04/2025 21:42

Liar. Cheater. Calls you abusive names.

Hope is not a plan and you need an exit plan. Hoping he'll change does not make it happen. Sticking around when he cheats is not going to change him. He's not going to change. This is who he is. Is this what you want for your life?

He's also this other woman's manager and he's texted her about meetups. If she ever falls out with him and files a harassment claim, how long do you think your BF will have a job? Do you want to support his cheating ass?

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