How do I get us back on track

[Mammabear42]

I could really use some advice. Since having our child I feel like my partner and I have drifted apart just in terms of intimacy and connection. We are great as parents, but things like cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, or even just little moments of affection have completely faded.

I don't want to put pressure on them or make them feel like I am demanding anything, but I also don't want to keep feeling this distance between us. Has anyone been through this? How did you slowly rebuild that connection without making it feel forced? I just feel we are so far apart now neither of us feel comfortable with eachother when it comes to affect on or intimacy and I'm afraid of rejection.
really appreciate any thoughts or advice!

Have you spoken to your partner about this? Rebuilding takes two people who genuinely want to put the time and effort into it, it’s not something only one person can unilaterally solve.

Does he know you feel this way?

Like @Mrsttcno1 said, you can't fix a relationship dynamic on your own. It takes two.

I'd suggest telling him, but using no-blame language. Focus on what you want, rather than on what you want him to stop doing. Speak from your own feelings: I miss you, I miss how things used to be between us, I'd love for us to spend more time together, I'd love for us to reconnect...

Ask questions, don't assume you know how he thinks/feels about things. Don't expect him to think/feel a certain way, but rather start with curiosity: How do you feel about our relationship right now? When I say I miss the old us, how does that make you feel?

Determine what the thresholds are. Use an open attitude, assume you are both partly responsible for the relationship dynamic as it is. Show good faith by taking your share of the responsability and encourage him to take his while being understanding and loving. F.e.: I know I'm not always easy to talk to when I'm tired and stressed. I understand that it's sometimes easier to stay away from me than risk getting rejected. I'm willing to work on that. Is there anything you could do on your end?

My husband and I have weekly moments where we sit down and discussing only the quality of our relationship and what we can both do to improve things between us. No talk about the kids or the household or whether we've booked the dentist etc. Just us. How have we felt about our relationship this week? We share the positives and show our gratitude, but we also lay it down when we've felt disappointed or rejected. And then we both take on what we need to. No one is ever 100% at fault, there's always a shared responsability. It has helped us rebuild the connection immensely.

From my experience it’s perfectly normal our marriage has taken a tumble after each child now in no3! But we both recognise this and understand it won’t always be like this. We both want our marriage to work atm we are like house mates BUT we do cuddle , kiss , give each other compliments ect we are in separate rooms due to working patterns and a concealing fussy baby! we both work hard on our own careers and life is hard and full on. We are a team though and on the same page. I think aslong as you both want it to work and are prepared to ride it out it does get better.

Thank you everyone.

The issue is, I'm a very emotional person and I could talk about feelings and emotions etc. he on the other hand REALLY struggles unless he's had a drink where he may open up a bit. I think we've also just got so used to muddling along it's made it even harder for him. I think once we make a dent, we can then start to work together, but I feel like the first step needs to be taken by me. Almost to start the ball rolling (for want of a better word)