Realisation.... I am Nicola

[Iamnicola]

Has anyone ever watched the channel 4 documentary I am Nicola

www.channel4.com/programmes/i-am/on-demand/65973-002

Its a 40 minute documentary about a women trapped in a controlling and manipulative relationship, which shows how subtle behaviour and comments become coercive control and so the abuse is psychological rather than physical. It looks at how what looks like a normal relationship on the outside to everyone is actually really toxic for the individuals in the relationship through subtle manipulation.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Did you have kids? What did you do?

Things haven't been right in my marriage for sometime but I've always put up and shut up to keep everyone happy, but watching this has really hit home that this is what I'm living with! And I don't know what to do!

Have you got kids ?

What's your housing situation?
I think that will help decide what you need to do next.
Have you got anywhere to go ? A job ?
The most dangerous time is when you tell
them you're going to leave.

I left my abusive ex nearly 4 years ago. We have kids. He comes across as a lovely guy, but over years, the mask came off millimetre by millimetre. It was coercive control.

I tried to fix me - he told me I had anxiety - I didn’t realise that was solely as a result of being in an abusive relationship with him. I tried for years to fix our relationship - but he wouldn’t engage.

In the end it took a few different friends saying that his behaviour sounded like DA for me to finally understand what was going on.

I called the National DA helpline and talked through the pattern of behaviours and they confirmed it was DA.

Once I knew that, I realised I had to get the kids and me out of that situation. I called my local Refuge (the charity) office and got a caseworker and got out.

It’s hard as a single mum, particularly as he now uses the kids as pawns to hurt me, but I haven’t ever regretted it for a single second.

I'm so sorry you're in an abusive relationship.
I've been in a couple and it almost felt like I was brainwashed, completely on autopilot gradually being eroded away. Constantly trying to justify it all when I knew deep down it was horrifying.
Do you have somewhere you can go safely to stay for a bit? Who owns the house you're in now? If you've got kids then you need to get them out too if he's abusive.
You can contact women's aid, or the police?
But the priority is your immediate safety.
I hope you can get away from him. You deserve freedom and a loving relationship. Or being single is better than a scumbag.
Sending my love and support x