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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No physical intimacy destroyed my relationship

11 replies

TheBigPurpleOne25 · 27/02/2025 21:07

I'm not really sure where to start. It might be a long one but I just really need to get all of this out, I do t really have any friends or family I can talk to.

Been with my partner for 5 years we are not married and we have a nearly 3yo DS, he is currently awaiting diagnosis for ASD and is a handful. I do almost all the parenting alone, I am a SAHM and also have diagnosed health problems but not life altering.

Since DS has been born my partner has shown no interest in physical intimacy with me and if I have initiated it he has knocked me back but will happily demand oral from me as and when he wants. I've asked him so many times and practically begged him for some physical relationship and affection. When I've ashed him why he tries to avoid the question, we've had many excuses, he's tired, I've put on weight and he finds it hard work etc etc. After 3 long lonely years of no sex, no romantic kisses or cuddles in bed I've just given up and taken the stance that why should I have to perform oral abd get nothing back at all. I don't feel like is fair. So today he demanded it and I said no, I can't think of anything worse. He responded that he will look for it elsewhere if I won't. I told him why should I when he hasnt touched me for such a long time, I've started to dislike him and now I'm not sure I even want to have sex with him. I don't feel he finds me attractive and I have zero self confidence in my body (I have put on a huge amount of weight since we met but I've never been a slim Jim) the thought of having sex with him just doesnt do it for me and I'm not sure if it's because I've felt so unwanted for such a long time.

Is this the end for us if he is completely unwilling to work on this? Which I know he is. He doesnt think there is an issue and that I should happily go without as long as he gets what he wants. The thought of him going elsewhere actually doesn't hurt me that much. In my head I feel kike it would h a vilid excuse for me to break up with him but the issue here is we live together, we don't own, we rent, I'm miles from my hometown and don't know where I would go as I know he wouldn't leave if we break up. I'm not sure what to do or how to respond to this situation. I'm not sure what I want from this post I'm just lost and would appreciate some advice.

OP posts:
Waterlilysunset · 27/02/2025 21:20

Well done you for saying no to oral from now on if you’re not in a loving relationship. He wants to go elsewhere? Fine, let the trash take itself out

CharlieAndMoose · 27/02/2025 21:21

He's a misogynistic bastard and you absolutely need to end the relationship. That he expects you to satisfy him but outright refuses to offer any intimacy in return is disgusting. Threatening to go elsewhere if you won't give him what he wants his coercion and therefore abuse. He has no respect for you. If he suddenly changed his mind and decided he did want sex, I wouldn't trust that it was anything to do with satisfying your needs, nor would I want him anywhere near me after what you've described. That you say you don't feel particularly upset at the prospect of him sleeping with someone else tells me your relationship is dead in the water.

I know you say it's hard to fathom what you would do next. As a short term solution, could you separate but continue to live in the same home until you make arrangements to sort alternative accomodation, or is it unlikely that the relationship would end amicably if you suggested this? Is moving back to your hometown feasible, do you have any close friends or family who might be able to put you up whilst you get back on your feet? Wishing you best of luck in getting out of this nightmare.

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:22

Pack up and head back to your hometown with your kid.

He sounds awful.

Original poster
TheBigPurpleOne25 · 27/02/2025 21:23

CharlieAndMoose · 27/02/2025 21:21

He's a misogynistic bastard and you absolutely need to end the relationship. That he expects you to satisfy him but outright refuses to offer any intimacy in return is disgusting. Threatening to go elsewhere if you won't give him what he wants his coercion and therefore abuse. He has no respect for you. If he suddenly changed his mind and decided he did want sex, I wouldn't trust that it was anything to do with satisfying your needs, nor would I want him anywhere near me after what you've described. That you say you don't feel particularly upset at the prospect of him sleeping with someone else tells me your relationship is dead in the water.

I know you say it's hard to fathom what you would do next. As a short term solution, could you separate but continue to live in the same home until you make arrangements to sort alternative accomodation, or is it unlikely that the relationship would end amicably if you suggested this? Is moving back to your hometown feasible, do you have any close friends or family who might be able to put you up whilst you get back on your feet? Wishing you best of luck in getting out of this nightmare.

I've never really had many friends and I don't have any now really that I could turn to. I suppose it would b a possibility that we could continue to live together but this would be hard as the dynamic of me being the house slave and him being the bread winner is engrained in his brain and he would continue to treat me as he does now anyway so I feel like it's tricky.

OP posts:
tryingeverys · 27/02/2025 21:26

Can you move back home or with your parents? You need to find a way to leave him, I'm sorry x

Original poster
TheBigPurpleOne25 · 27/02/2025 21:29

I know I can't carry on like this forever being unhappy and the thought of living with no physical connection with anyone is just unbearable. I just want to feel wanted and loved and attractive and I feel gross and disgusting and it's him that's make me feel this way

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBigPurpleOne25 · 27/02/2025 21:30

tryingeverys · 27/02/2025 21:26

Can you move back home or with your parents? You need to find a way to leave him, I'm sorry x

My parents are older and have a small house plus they would never cope with my DS being around like a whirlwind and more importantly my DS needs his routine he doesn't cope well with change and it'll destroy him if I have to up and move him into an unfamiliar position/situation.

OP posts:
ChonkyRabbit · 27/02/2025 21:33

It will not destroy your son to move. It may take longer and be more difficult for him to settle but it won't destroy him.

Your "partner" is disgusting and you need to get away from him. Could you call Women's Aid? They will help you make a plan to get away.

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:36

TheBigPurpleOne25 · 27/02/2025 21:30

My parents are older and have a small house plus they would never cope with my DS being around like a whirlwind and more importantly my DS needs his routine he doesn't cope well with change and it'll destroy him if I have to up and move him into an unfamiliar position/situation.

Show quote history

It won't "destroy" him. It'll be difficult and unsettling for a while, but you can establish routines in a new situation and he will adjust.

In the long-term, growing up in this dynamic with you and his father sounds more damaging than the temporary upheaval of a split.

CharlieAndMoose · 27/02/2025 21:39

Agree with @ChonkyRabbit. Children are much more adaptable than we think, moving house and changing routine will not destroy him. What will, is growing up in a household witnessing his dad being abusive towards his mum. You need to take him out of that situation so that he doesn't grow up to have unhealthy perceptions of relationships and of women generally. I'm also sure that if you were to explain to your parents how your partner treats you, that they would find a way to accommodate you as a short term solution.

That you don't have many friends to turn to and describe yourself as a house slave makes me think that the problems are deeper than your sexual relationship. Have you ended up in the position because he's isolated you? What was your life like before he came along? I would suggest reaching out to the Freedom Project too who may be able to support you in getting out of the situation. It really sounds very dire.

category12 · 28/02/2025 06:47

Also, I don't know what your parents are like, (and maybe they're not great and gave you an upbringing that led to you ending up in a relationship like this) - but if I were your mum, I'd far rather struggle for a bit with a chaotic home and a rowdy grandson than you stayed with such an unpleasant man for a minute longer than you had to.

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