Anxious attachment style and trying to find love/happiness

[Icantcontinuetodothis]

I've been learning about the "attachment" styles. I think I 100% currently sit in the anxious attachment style... the idea of going forward with anyone for a happy relationship feels impossible to me atm...I wanted to know your thoughts and feelings....

What "attachment style" are you?
How do navigate that with your romantic relationships?

Guess I'm just trying to find a way to be less of a wreck!!

I am also anxious attachment. Just out of a relationship with an avoidant, what a fucking painful horrendous shit show.

Have you considered therapy? I’m just going through that now and finding it remarkably helpful.

Same! Anxious here, my avoidant just dumped me and broke my heart. I’m in therapy, trying to forget about him. I think the main thing is to become self aware, and recognise when you’re starting to act in a certain way. You shouldn’t have to change for your partner, you should just be yourself. Don’t love bomb them. Love takes time and isn’t meant to be up and down, it’s meant to be calm and happy. Xx

I'm so sorry OP.

How long were you together?

Why is it so bloody hard

I need to learn more about avoidants I think my ex could of been an avoidant. But also very not emotional intelligent aswel...

I wouldn’t worry what type the others are, just focus on what type you are and heal those wounds.
I was/?am anxious as well. Went down to the root of it all (in my case seriously abusive parents) in therapy and reprogrammed my response as coming from an adult, not a child. I learnt to recognise instinctive responses for what they are and use preferred responses instead.

Does that make my relationships transactional? Not at all. My boundaries are what I can control, how the others respond is up to them.

Well I was with my husband for 15 years, left him met this guy, I was with this guy 6 months and he destroyed me more than my marriage ending! It’s so messed up. It’s like I’ve never had love and I’ll do anything to get it. I know I’m a problem, and I seem to attract avoidant men and do anything and everything to try please them and think I’m in love within weeks. Look up Limerance, that’s me to a T! X

I also have an anxious attachment and my partner has a secure attachment. I remember reading that finding a secure partner helps you develop a secure attachment over time (or something along those lines) and I think that’s true!

I have been in relationships / attracted to avoidant people in the past and before I met my current partner I did a lot of learning through therapy for relationships and also for general anxiety which has changed my life and outlook so much. Apologies for the rambling post! I would also recommend reading the book “attached” if you haven’t already ☺️

Im a anxious and with a avoidant long term relationship
Its very hard, upsetting and hurts painfully
To not feel love and happiness they way other normal couples not share intimacy and affection

But im learning about attachment styles to help understand and looking into couples counselling and sex therapy

But i do know to understand avoidants respect them because the avoidant style is self protection from past trauma and wrong nurture or none

@StreathamLocal2023 is right, but it can also work the other way.

I'm usually at the slightly more avoidant end of secure, but I dated someone who had ADHD, where it went from him being anxious (in the early stages, when I was his hyper-focus) to him being avoidant a few years down the line once I had become attached, which then tipped me into being anxious for a while. Time solo after the relationship sorted that out again and allowed a reset, but it was not at all fun at the time.

So, while you might be anxious now, at least take heart that it is a changeable state, and you can learn to become secure, even if at first it might feel a bit unnatural to not act on the anxiousness.

Therapy, conscious change, and reading books to equip you with the tools to notice behaviours, thoughts and patterns, and make changes to them, will help.
Best of luck!

@WrylyAmused you seem to have followed a similar path to me. Ex is AuAdHd, avoidant. We dated, he disappeared, then came back years later even more committed/in love. Had an even happier time, then he did the same thing to me again. Couldn't believe it really. Im getting much better now but will look for these avoidant signs if I ever date anyone again. It was all so painful.