How to improve relationship post baby?

[Superstorefan123]

I am mum to a much wanted and loved 6 month old baby. He’s absolutely fab but a shocking sleeper.

Me and my partner had a really strong relationship pre children but we can’t seem to stop the mega fights post children :( it feels like we snap at each other every day and this blows up into a huge row at least once a week (always after baby is asleep!!). We both feel like we are pouring 100% at the moment trying to balance a very active child, him working a full on job and staying on top of the house all on very little broken sleep.

To his credit this isn’t a lazy dad scenario - he will often take the baby for a couple of hours in the morning and at the weekend for his fair share, as well as doing a fair bit of housework. But equally I do all the nights (I am exclusively breastfeeding so have to wake up for every feed even if he resettles the baby after) and he often has to attend work events of an evening which then mean I cover a very long day solo. It just all feels so much.

How can we stop the bickering and try and reconnect? We love each other very much and want what is best for our son but can’t seem to ditch the resentment and rage towards each other.

@Superstorefan123 Have been exactly where you are right now. Children are a massive strain on even the best relationships. Firstly you need to be kind to yourself and accept that you are both doing your best, and sometimes that isn't perfect. But that is ok.
Secondly is there a particular area that ignites the friction? Try and identify it and if possible remove it as a factor, agree to differ on approach, or separate responsibilities for it.
Thirdly - make time for yourselves. Give each other an hour a week as minimum and do something positive for yourself with that time - don't just crash on the sofa or browse your phone. Go for a walk, call a friend for coffee and chat. Read a book, whatever takes stress away.
Then Fourthly try and find time for each other. Make an hour a week when the kids go to bed where you get to spend time together not discussing day to day but being with each other. No phones, no TV, no distractions. Play a boardgame, cuddle in the sofa, do something together you enjoy together. Dance around the living room whatever it is.
It feels now like finding time for yourself and each other is impossible, but actually if you work at that and be creative life will feel better. You both just need space to reflect on yourself and yourselves as a couple. Time to remember you are two people doing their best. That you are humans with feelings emotions and failings. Time to care for each other and show affection and care. Good luck x

In a very similar situation to you OP except my DD is 1. No advice, just sympathy as I know how tough it is xx

Baby stage is super tough. We were exactly the same! Gets slowly better though! Hang in there!

Thank you for the advice so far - I feel our biggest issue is we just can’t seem to empathise with each other at all and constantly feel like the other has got the easier gig (for example, I know my partner finds looking after baby all morning and then going to work tough but to me all I can think about is the fact he can have an undisturbed lunch break).

we are in the bad habit of sitting on our phones and going to bed with baby through pure exhaustion so will try and carve out some time to talk and connect. Will also suggest some time alone to see if it helps.

If you're exhausted from night feeds, it's really easy to become reactive and resentful. You can actually start to feel a bit depressed or down, feeling you're trapped/ stuck/ caught in a situation that is immensely frustrating. The mental exhaustion of caring for babies and small children is underappreciated but it's just as tiring as the physical kind, which you're also experiencing.

This may be an unpopular idea, but maybe try to eliminate some of the night feeding, if your baby is hitting growth milestones and there are no health concerns.

Or try expressing milk so your H can feed the baby late at night on Friday or Saturday. But overall, your aim here needs to be getting the baby to sleep through.

Baby should be weaning onto solids now too, so nutrition isn't going to be the concern it was back in the first couple of months.

You could try offering boiled, cooled water at night in a bottle, to disrupt the association between night waking and the comfort of breastfeeding. Start by offering water with each little meal during the day. With baby teeth erupting, milk all night isn't the best idea anyway.

Reconnection can be done through simple gestures like making a partner a cup of tea, or even a warm smile, a hug when greeting or saying goodbye. You could watch something you enjoy together instead of each if you going on your phones at night. It won't come easy when you feel you're on your knees, but it's worth giving change a try.

Also - even though it may seem really hard when you're so tired and run ragged - try to get out in the fresh air for a good walk every day while baby is still fairly portable. Exercising has immense benefits.

Plan meals with nutrition in mind even though you may be craving carbs just for the instant hit of energy.

Protein, calcium, vitamins, and fibre should be prioritised as you're probably still depleted from pregnancy and are breastfeeding. Simple carbs contribute to crashes and mental fog. They're not your friends in the short or long term.

We have a 10 month old who is also a sleep hater so I do get it, but you both need to stop the competitive tiredness & competing for who has it worse. It is hard to be home alone with a baby all day, it is also hard to go from a parent to a full day of work and then straight back to being a parent. It’s not easy for anyone, everybody is tired, nobody is their best self, but this is the time to stick together and work as a team rather than turning and fighting each other instead.

You need equal free time. His time at work isn’t free time, your time at home with a baby isn’t free time, discount that, look at what time is left and divide that so you both get a chance to have some down time. So as an example what we do on a typical evening is have dinner all together, then my husband watches our daughter while I have a nice hot bath, then we do my daughters bath time together and I take her up to bed and he has his down time. We both get about an hour to ourselves every evening and we need it to decompress.

We alternate so that we both get a chance to go to the gym or for a run, meet friends, have an evening out etc, and on a weekend we have a date night in the house so after baby goes to bed it’s no phones, just some us time.

we had a situation where we both felt we were going above and beyond for the other and were feeling resentful they weren’t grateful enough. Turns out what we were doing wasn’t what the other needed. My husband is a night owl so I was doing the early morning get up with baby and he was doing the night feeds. I was “letting” him sleep until 10. Turns out he functions better on 6 unbroken hours over 12+ broken. When he took the baby he would take him out so I’d have to do so much housework i couldn’t get a break. Turns out he prefers it when the baby is out as he can’t sleep when he can hear them, whereas I’d rather they were in and my partner washing bottles/unloading dishwasher. We’ve switched it up- I’m doing the night wakes and he gets up at 5-6-7am - whatever it is - and does some housework while I have a catch up sleep before he goes to work.

discuss what you actually need from eachother - you might be surprised that your 100% isn’t what the other needs so it’s needless!

My eldest is 6 and youngest is 3 and I’m currently sitting in bed sulking over an argument with my husband. We’re going through a rough patch and tbh I find myself hating him half the time.

We too had an easy relationship for 10 years before kids but having babies has made a mark for sure.

I have no advice. Sometimes it gets better but we still bicker and fight.

We were in the same boat. By 6 months it was bad, by 8 months it was really awful. We chose to fight for our marriage and go to therapy, it was so worth doing. It reminded us that we weren't broken, but were changing, and exhausted. I feel like a lot of marriage is changing through life together and not growing too far apart. We spoke about how to help each other, how to schedule breaks so that we could get alone time, how to plan dates and babysitters. We also ended each session by saying what we appreciated about each other, and hearing that was really validating and reminded me of what I had. She also recommended the love languages book, which i'd never thought of and was helpful to understand each other and what each other wants. Anyway, babies are hard, even with a supportive partner. Sleep regressions are brutal. Exhaustion turns us into the worst versions of ourselves. If you want to stop the bickering though, i'd suggest couples counselling to assist.

Sending sympathy and tea /gin delete as appropriate. Just have to remember they are still the person they were, just under stress of the situation x

Ah thank you! Totally. We’re both dedicated to make our family work, and lucky we have a strong foundation. But god it’s hard sometimes!

I've been where you are.
Look, you're exhausted, both of you, and that means you're not seeing clearly how hard the other one is crying. You both have empty cups, so you protest when the other seems to have a few drops in theirs, rather than seeing how your partner is struggling to survive on a few drops. It's okay. You don't have to be a perfect partner right now. Neither do they.

My best advice to parents of very young children is: make a vow to each other not to break up and not to hold anything against each other until your youngest child is in school and sleeping through the night.
After that, when you have room to be individuals again with your own needs, intrests, hobby's, me-time, ... Then discuss the relationship. See where changes need to be made. See where you can make room for each other again.