Finding it really hard

[Walesmam23]

Hi all

I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. I'm in a relationship with someone who is genuinely wonderful after two pretty awful failed marriages and a long term DV relationship. I'm struggling to provide for my 3 children, working almost full time around school hours and we have a nice home and I can pretty much cover household bills but anything above and beyond that, days out, holidays, dinners out, driving lessons etc just aren't within reach. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to accept offers of help from my partner, despite him being really kind about it, because I just have this feeling I want to be able to do everything myself and not rely on anyone. I feel constantly like a failure and like I'm depriving my kids and falling short as their mum by not being able to say 'yes' to more, school trips, new trainers, hair appointments etc but am stuck in this loop of being unable to accept help due to not wanting to feel like a burden and feeling like I just don't even deserve my children because they don't have the life with me they should have. We live in an area which is quite affluent and a lot of my kids' friends are two parent, well off families which just adds to the constant unrelenting pressure. Their dad's are also fairly wealthy and I feel like I'm always the one who has to say no.

Money has always been a real issue for me, I've suffered from financial abuse in the past as well as lost a home, got into debt, been made to feel guilty when married for spending anything on myself and I can't face being in that position again. OH asked me what would make me happy and the honest answer is being able to provide everything for my kids, take them on holiday now and then, out for dinner etc or just shop for clothes for them without panic about where it's coming from. He sees this as me pushing him away and not wanting to be a team, but that isn't it, I just want to be ok on my own.He says he wants to make my life easier and make things better for me and my kids, but no matter what I just feel so crap off the back of it. I tried to explain to him that if I we were to split he'd be no worse off financially, he'd just crack on with life and meet his outgoings and more, but if I'm reliant on him then the same isn't true the other way but he doesn't see it and says that he feels like I'm just not on board with being a proper partnership.

Anyone had similar feelings? I feel so lost and I'm so so tired of being so down.

Are you living together? If so, outgoings for rent/mortgage/utilities etc should be 50/50. You could talk about setting up a joint account that you both pay into that covers some of the other expenses. I think if you're sharing a home, then some measure of shared finances is expected and sensible.

If he's not living with you, then I kind of agree that I wouldn't want to use his money for anything (unless an absolute emergency.) A nice gift, like taking you all out on a day trip, would be great. But paying in to everyday things would be a no for me in that situation.

I can see both points of view, tbh. But if he's living with you and you're in a committed relationship, then sharing finances to some degree is a normal part of that. Why not sit down with him and work out what you both think is a fair deal for both of you?

We don't live together no, he also has a DD from a previous marriage and as my kids are older it's just not the right thing to do to try and all live together. We do lots of nice things together, which he pays for, and it's never an issue for him that he does, but he is very close to my children and sees them go without and wants to help. He says he wants to do it because he can and can't see the sense in denying them opportunities or fun when all he wants is to be able to back me, he's never grandiose about it and its never big gestures, but he's offered to pay for us all to go on holiday together and I just wish I was in a place I could pay my own way. I am just shit scared of it all going wrong and then it's another fall. They are used to a much better living standard than we have now, with me anyway, as I've taken a massive financial hit from the end of my marriage, and I don't want to do it again.

I think I would let him buy you gifts - even big ones, like the holiday. In terms of contributing to everyday expenses, well I guess it depends.

I understand the fear of becoming dependent on him. I would have a conversation where you lay out what would actually be helpful. E.g. could you agree that he will buy the kids' school uniforms or new shoes? Things that are obviously important but not the everyday expenses of food and bills. Let him suggest what he thinks would be fair, and meet him somewhere in the middle.

I think as long as you keep your finances separate, you will stay in control of your money. If you break up and the kids don't get fancy new trainers but knock off cheap ones, that's not such a big hit to your finances as it would be if he was paying you a monthly 'allowance' and took it away. So let him help, but be careful about which things you let him help with. Gifts and luxuries make life more enjoyable but if they get taken away, you can still manage basic life.

At some point, I imagine both your kids are going to be grown up and you'll move in together, so think about working towards that point.

He sounds like an absolute gem!

He really is, honestly he's such a breath of fresh air and relentlessly supportive with all the drama I come with. I probably just need to let my walls down a bit before he gets fed up!

OP, pls let him in. He sounds like a real man who wants to genuinely help the family he so obviously loves.

You do need to let your walls down.

As a starter both of you need to sit down and say how you really feel. Tell him everything you have told us and just take it from there.

It is time to talk about how you see your relationship progressing in the next few years? What happens when the children leave? Would you combine your 2 households? So many questions but not a lot of answers.

Time to get talking OP!

*rainbowstardrops
He sounds like an absolute gem!

He really is, honestly he's such a breath of fresh air and relentlessly supportive with all the drama I come with. I probably just need to let my walls down a bit before he gets fed up!*

Yes you do! It sounds as if you've found one of the good ones!