Dead friendship?

[Oreocake24]

Hi ladies

I think I know the answer but I do like impartial advice sometimes, hence the posts.

I’ve been friends with my best friend since we were 4 or 5. Since school anyway. Have always been quite different people but it’s become much more apparent over the last year or so.

I went through an awful breakup and was left as a lone parent. Best friend was never really there for me. I’ve been there for her a lot, gone to events with her that I haven’t been overly interested in as it’s been something she’s wanted to do and I enjoy spending time with her.

recently I’ve asked her to do a few things with me for my birthday which she’s said no as it’s not her type of thing. I keep trying but she just doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t suit her, and she also only comes to me when she wants advice. I’ve had a lot going on with solicitors and my ex, but she knows nothing of this as never asks how I am and when I have tried to tell her she changes the subject back to herself.

the friendship has become really selfish mostly with her wanting everything her own way. I’ve left my DD with parents and travelled an hour away to stay at her house, because she’s asked me for some girl time. When I’ve asked for that recently, she’s said no as she’s too tired - she has no children or partner.

I suppose I stick around mostly because i lost a lot of my friends when me and ex split last year. They were couple friends and sadly it became really awkward and things fizzled out. So I guess I’ve help onto my best friend as if I lose her it means I only have one or two friends left which is a sad shame given I’m only 29.

I’ve tried to make some new friends but it’s extremely hard.

at this point, would you cut your losses with this friend and just focus on moving forward and being open to new relationships? Or am I just being overly sensitive? The friendship just feels like deadweight but I appreciate I’m quite a sensitive soul in general so maybe I’m overthinking.

I would trust your feelings here; if it feels like a deadweight then in all likelihood it is.

I'd be cutting my losses with this particular person. She is no friend to you but a taker instead.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Very true. I suppose I hadn’t looked at it as being all take, but this is extremely true. Thanks for replying x

I think if you are worried about cutting all ties, then reframe the friendship, e.g. if YOU want to go to here for a girls in-night, because it is a good time - that's fine, go. But it's on your terms, on what you want. Don't put yourself out of you don't want to.

She probably does like your friendship but srlf-centred or rigid.

Depends what you mean by cut your losses. I wouldn't cut her dead, you can focus on moving forward etc without needing to do anything definitive about this friend. You can stop asking her to do things when she's signalled she's not into it and you can not jump when she wants you to do thing that you don't want to do. But there might still be times you want to see each other and have a good time, and given that you're not awash with friends, I don't see any need to close the door on the possibility. Just give her the same level of energy as she gives you, focus on new relationships and see what happens. Friends don't need to be a deadweight, they can just be low in the mix rather than maintaining 'best friend' status. You're only 29, there'll be lots of changes over the years in both your lives and the friendship may naturally fade for good or it may ebb and flow.

I have no friends because I culled people off too efficiently and on the short term I felt better for it but then I feel it must be me to not have any friends. When I look at older women who still have a social life I notice that they forgave and overlooked many things or their friendships are actually at arms length and superficial but to all intents and purposes it looks like they have friendships of 30+ years .. i'd be so jealous and in awe of how lucky they got to find each other and imagine a wonderful friendship... but in reality there would have been a lot swept under the rug so it's not this idealistic perfect friendship that I might imagine when I hear friends since primary school or whatever impressive length of time.

So in hindsight, and I would advise you from someone mid 30s who cut off a lot of people in her 20s over similar feeling used thing, keep the friendships just adjust your expectations of them and mirror their energy. If she is only there when she feels like it, you too tell her when you're too tired. You too change the subject back to you or something else if you find the topic too intense. Stop going to events you don't like for her if she won't for you but keep her in your circle because if you do like me, you end up with no friends which has now turned me into a redflag and a weirdo. I wish I hadn't listened to advise telling me I'm better off without them.. in reality everyone is selfish and a user at times and I also have my bad traits. I might have thought I was supportive and a good friend but my friends could have thought differently because my way of supporting them wasn't what they needed or wanted of me.
At the same time, still try to meet and make new friends. Some will stick around and some won't but only give the time and energy you can genuinely spare. Also have an active life where you are consistently involved in somethinf because another thing is a lot of friendships are circumstancial eg mum friends work friendships gym friends. People are suspiscious and wary of new people trying to befriend them so having a place you meet again and again helps build up trust slowly.

So lower your expectations of others, match their effort, don't give more than you can spare and don't put all your eggs in one basket, keep meeting new people.

I'd agree with poster about matching her energy but not cutting her off. Don't put yourself out for her and start saying no when your not feeling it. My closest friend is always doing things like talking about spa days, holidays etc and I have learnt rather than get upset when nothing ever happens that she suggests, just go along with her flight of fancy. I say oh that would be love knowing we are never, ever going to do 95% of the things she says.

Ie except them for what the are if unless it's Total deal breaker adjust your expectations and how much you want to pour into them.

You don't really like her any more - you find her selfish and uncaring about your life. It is fine to let a friendship fizzle out if you're not enjoying your contact with someone any more. You're not obliged to be friends with someone just because you've known them for a long time. If the things you like doing are not her type of thing, it sounds as if you've just naturally grown apart, and if the friendship feels like a dead weight, there's no point in continuing it. Friends are meant to bring fun and enjoyment to your life, not feel like a dead weight.

I would probably back off and make myself unavailable for a while, and see what she does and how you feel. It’s really wearing to have a friend who is inflexible and wants everything on their terms, and it’s very hurtful when you’ve been there for them but they’re “too tired” to be there for you. If you back off it’s possible she’ll realise what she’s lost and put more effort in.

@GetInTheCarElizabeth I think you’re being very hard on yourself, you did what you felt was best at the time and you did feel better for it. It’s easy to look back in hindsight and criticise ourselves. Some people have an tendency to attract people who take advantage of them, often because of things like a lack of boundaries stemming from low self-esteem, a need to help/please others or little to no family support. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a redflag weirdo or that it was all on you.

I’ve been there with people who have used me as a free therapist, or wanted my practical help or professional skills. I went along with it because I thought it would make the friendship stronger, and I naively assumed they would reciprocate one day if ever I needed help with something. The last person who did that to me did me a huge favour. I supported her while she was in the process of moving and let her offload to me for hours each week. She told me what a great friend I was and how much she was looking forward to us lounging in her garden when she’s settled. As soon as she moved, she blocked me! I realised then how poor my boundaries were. My time had no value because she knew I was the sort of person who would do anything for anyone.

I agree re lowering your expectations of others, although I think it can be difficult to do in an already established friendship. Partly because you already feel used, and partly because they already know they can use you. If I make a friend now my only expectations are a) they take an interest in me (as in, we have a 2-way conversation, I don’t want to listen to monologues), and b) that they show up when they say they will because I can’t stand flakiness.

But to be honest my self-esteem is so shot to pieces and I’m so wary now that I no longer seek out friendships, and when I do meet someone I hold my cards very close to my chest.