How do you and your partner grow together?

[Boxalot]

Can you list some examples for inspiration/clarity?

Currently stuck with my boyfriend in a cycle where he doesn't understand why this is so important to me. I need to feel like both me and a partner are building something together, working towards something, not necessarily a family but other examples would be great too. I suggested counselling to him for example as he struggles with catastrophising in situations and depression, and he's shot that down.

What kind of things are you wanting to work towards to? Do you live together? Do you want children? Do you want to get married? etc.

You could go to counselling without him, it's you who feels the need to have to work towards something, maybe counselling can help with that?

I guess it's important to you because you'd like evidence to feel like your relationship is serious and will last long into the future.

Aside from the obvious of buying a house together, marrage and kids, what about shared hopes and dreams. Is that what you mean? A dream to go traveling together, or just saving up to go on a 2 week holiday to somewhere on the other side of the world? To for get fit/strong together? To start a hobby, join a club or learn a new skill together? To redecorate your home together? To buy something expensive together? To get a pet? To move to a new place? To communicate about difficult or embarrassing things better?

I'm unclear on the counselling suggestion though, if you have couples counselling it might well help you to grow together... communicate better, talk about any sex issues or long standing arguments etc. I can see a host of reasons why a lot of people would be resistant to this though, and you asked how most couples grow, I don't think many feel the need to bring in a third party.

But you mentioned his mental health problems - he'd need to address those separatly in his own therapy. His improved mental health would certainly improve things for you as a couple, but it's a thing for him to do for himself first and foremost, not for you.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t get it if you’re having to ask other people for examples.

How long have you been together , and do you live together ?
I say the above , because for us it just took time.

In the early days in a relationship you are trying to be your ' best person ' to make an impression . That normally dies back a bit as you settle into the relationship.
You learn respect , companionship , how to give and take etc , and it all falls into shape on how the relationship is going to go forward .

If you don't know yourself how on earth is he meant to be able get it when you dont know what 'it' is?

Can you just enjoy being together and see how things develop?

What do you expect to build?

I'm not sure I've fully understood your request, OP. But FWIW, DP and I are "working" together towards early retirement as a goal.

This involves a shared outlook on life and work.

It involves "work" in the sense of mapping our finances each month, being on top of things, moving money around when necessary.

It involves us both contributing in our individual ways to that goal - earning well, sensible spending etc.

Not sure if that's what you had in mind, OP, but early retirement feels like a shared on-going project for me and DP.