Help me kick (unreasonable?) resentment + save marriage

[marmitesandwiches]

Haven't posted here before but could really do with some advice/clarity!

I am a SAHM with a 2yo DS. Before we had DS, DH and I were very active + did lots of adventurous trips together - diving, camping in deserts, kayaking in fjordlands etc. Sigh! I guess I knew that life was about to change so I'm not sure why I was so unprepared for it. The problem is that I feel like my life has been turned upside time, while DH's is largely unaffected - adn I'm starting to really resent it

I'd been struggling with a 4hr a day commute so I gave up a well-paid profession for full-time child-care. We used all my savings (DH had spent a lot more time having fun so didn't have any) to buy a bigger house. All decisions I participated in and take resdponsibility for, but suddenly now feel skint, jobless and knackered (I love our DS to bits but aren't toddlers full-on?!).

DH works freelance and either from home or away - sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time. It's an outdoor type job - sometimes hard work but quite fun (+ unfortunately doesn't earn v much). In addition to work time away, he's also had a few diving hols on his own since DS was born, weekends away and regular nights out. When he's away I have no help AND I'M STARTING TO REALLY RESENT IT!! When I've raised all this as an issue, he says that I could have some time off (which in itself makes me feel like he thinks he's my boss), if I insisted and says that I should say if I don't want him to go on trips. I'd rather we both had some respect for eachothers' feelings. To me the idea that we should fight for time off seems really selfish (although his IL's live v close and are so wrapped up in own lives, dramas, extra-marital affairs etc that they give us no help whatsoever so I can see where it comes from). I don't like the idea that he suggests lots of freetime for himself and I then have to play the bad guy by refusing to let him go. Added to which, all he talks about is his work/diving/next trip - aaarrrrggghhh. "Am thinking of doing a trip to Bermuda". Not what you want to hear after a day of managing toddler tantrums - you'd have to be a bit slow not to see that. Wouldn't you??

I'm starting up some freelance work from home as DS just starting to go to nursery a little bit. It's proving quite slow going, but should help a bit if/when it takes off. Any other suggestions as to things I can do to redress the balance here? Not sure any of us are ready for me to take week-long hols on my own (+ not sure we can afford it either). Am worried about the damage already done to our relationship. I really don't feel like I love him - or even that I like him most of the time. I just don't feel I get anything out of our marriage. I honestly and truely feel like I made the wrong choice of DH. Never, never, never marry a selfish, empathy-immune man.

Hope some of my whinging makes sense. Would really love some input and suggestions. Get out more??

Thanks!

I'd get back to work outside the home.Even the nicest man in the world has no real respect for women who stay at home.

oh you know, this is quite a common feeling (that might not make you feel better) but it is.

you said 'you'd have to be a bit slow not to see that' - well, if he hasn't done it and I mean, really done it...so you not around and doing everything by himself, then no, he won't realise.

and 'not sure we can afford it' - my dear, if diving trips to Bermuda are on the cards, I think you can manage a weekend away.

imho, you are being a little bit martyrish but I SO know where you are coming from having been resentful a fair bit in the early years.

I would try and go away in your shoes - he will see what it is like at home and you will get some space. And yes, think about yourself here. Where you see your life developing. You may find as you start to think of yourself more, you and dh might start to get on a bit better?

Marmite, I'd take your DH at his exact word about time away and make it equal cost if possible and then see how many diving trips and weekends away he chooses to go on when he has sole custody of the kids and the bank balance has to stump up for both your excursions. And you never know your DH might end up being a fab dad when you are away, I know my DH does loads more with DS when I'm not around to pick up the pieces.

Your DH is living quite selfishly, but tbh you are letting him do it. I'm not sure at what stage in the parenting rule book it says that as a mother you are obliged to give up all life of your own. Go out, buy some new tops, get a life of your own. And yes work would help, but I know some SAHMs who are happy confident and fulfilled so I think its not a panacea.

he has a life fothimself as well as his role as father and i thin you are starting n part with your new career to do thi s in part i thnk the trick is to carve your own niche and to e mor equitable with the child rearing

I agree with Moondog that work outside the home would be a good idea. But I disagree that no man respects a stay at home wife. My dad respected my mum for 52 years and she spent 20 years as a housewife.

Another thought. Its coming across in your post that your DH perhaps feels Spending time with kids = Boring, doing other things = Exciting.

We used to have fab exciting holidays before our DS and its a question of adapting.

Just because you have DCs doesn't mean that a weekend in Center Parcs or a Thomson holiday to Majorca is your lot ( apologies to anyone where that is their holiday of choice)Perhaps your DH would be more into spending time as a family if there were trips and activities to look forward to, like a camping holiday somewhere active or self catering near activities.

If you could build up some happy family memories then it would be more enjoyable for all of you and make your DH realise that spending time with his family can be rewarding in different ways from going away and doing his own thing.

Have to say though I cannot wait until DS is old enough to go to ski school and I can go skiing again.

Maybe YOU need to get more child-free fun in your life- not necessarily with your DH?

Could you arrange to have one free day a week? Or half a day?

Don't know if I can give websites here, but you might like to look at www.coachingformothers.com

A few sessions might really help.

Something I read on here made a big impact on me (apologies to whichever Mner's copyright I am infringing). When your dh says 'I'm thinking of a trip to Bermuda' you could say perhaps 'when?' He might say 'why' or '2nd week of July' and you say 'Right, you've just decided for me that I will spend the 2nd week of July doing 24-hour childcare on my own. Are you happy with leaving me to do that?"

This may or may not have an impact on him.

There are some pretty fierce emotions around at this time. I think maybe it should be illegal to divorce when your children are really young because you can really hate your partner when things are so tough. Try to hang in there, but also try and get across what you're feeling if you can.

Thanks for all your input and support. I suspect I am being a bit of a martyr. It's a trait I associate with my mum and as I typed I could almost hear her voice. Aaarrgghh! I definitely need to take control and reclaim some life - but it really helps to have some encouragement and to know that others have felt the same. I kindof expected the first year or so to be tough on our relationship, but wasn't prepared for it being this way over 2 years on.

Have been doing some exciting family stuff (and also going to Centerparcs ) and definitely think that helps. Recently made hefty investment in toddler wetsuit and skisuit. Actually, they were only £5 in an NCT sale, but I think it justifies at least a skiing trip. DS will be 3 in Jan which is def old enough to ski, I reckon Rookie. If he was a petit francais he's already be skiing slalom.

DH is away at mo' and have been planning a few days off - and will have a few things booked by the time he comes back. Just found a personal training service for runners in my area, which I'm fancying. I'm a lapsed one and it might help me get back on track. Also DS now asleep so maybe a little online shopping is in order....

Thanks again for your help. Think maybe just needed encouragement.

We have a system where every time dh goes away (for fun) whether it be to football, stag weekends, whatever, I get an equal amount of money to do with as I please, and the understanding that if this involves me going away, then dh has to look after kids to enable me to do it (not leave them with a granny or whatever). It started when he had to go an a seriously expensive stag (he was best man) and I knew I'd feel resentful if i didn't get something "in exchange" if you like. So we saved like mad for him to go away, and then I got a (nearly) equal amount of saving done for me to go away. In the end i spent my money on a shopping spree, but that was my decision.
As budgets have got tighter, we basically now just have a little extra money each month: if he wants to go for hiking or football he has to save up from that, and I do likewise.

nothing other to add than total empathy.

i have a gorgeous 2.5yr old dd who has recently become very very very challenging.

does your h ever have ds on his own for any length of time? if not i'd suggest a day or even whole weekend so he can appreciate how tough it can be!

especially not having another adult around at the end of the day when they've gone to bed!

It's funny. Recently my FIL was talking about some equipment DH had splashed out on for one of his fun trips (oh yes, this hobby involves spending lots of cash on kit too) and saying how great it was (you know boys and toys). I said "Yes, great isn't it, but it gives me a really big dilemma: I don't know what I'm going to spend £800 on. I don't know whether I need that many clothes - but I do think all spending should be equal, don't you?" The look of shock on his face was priceless. Maybe I should have saved that line for DH. The problem is that we have totally different attitudes to money. We never had ver much when I was growing up ad I'm quite cautious with it and like to have some savings. DH is not afraid to spend everything he has. On himself. Maybe money is one of the issues we have to resolve.

I have occasionally left DH with DS for a weekend, but he just goes to his parents. Doesn't work for me when he's away - I have gto wait to be invited and often aren't. Not sure why: We're generally happy + jolly + lovely!

The hardest thing I think Paddle is struggling to put DS to bed, tidying up and then having to make your own supper as well. I have the utmost, utmost respect for single parents!

you say you used your savings to buy a bigger house, that's good because now you've got room to employ an au-pair while you go back to work.

The thing that sticks out for me was that you say you couldn't afford to go away yourself, yet he is planning a trip to Bermuda? How is that fair.

I'm sorry but I would be saying to him that he's been on x amount of trips on his own, leaving you behind and that it's your turn to have a trip away with your pals for a week.

Surely that's only fair? It seems to me that you've been forced to adapt to being a parent but he hasn't.

marmite, I am a single parent and I work full time. Bath & Bed is hard work it's true but I am blessed that dd is generally very good with bedtime and sleeps well most nights. Bit of an early riser but hey you can't have everything.

Now she is older I like to try and eat dinner with her at least on the weekends. The rest of the time I cook huge amounts and freeze portions for us both so that weekday evening meals are relatively easy.

I think you've identified at least one of your "ishooos" and that is how you and your dh deal with money. Ideally it would be great for you both to compromise. You relax a little and spend something on yourself and he cuts down a little.

Don't fall into the trap of martydom here. If he spends £800 on a hobby then apportion yourself £800 even if you just save it up. It's being clear on the message that you and DH should be equal in monies spent.

As for H bunking off to the parents when he has DS. Can you not do the same when he is away? Assuming you get on well enough with your DM! Alternatively, I'd take my £800 share of the spends and take dd to Centre Parc or something for a few days!

TBH, you guys sound like you have a good standard of living and a good relationship. Don't stew over this as it will undermine all that you currently have. Better to bring out into the open and explore ways to compromise where you both get at least a modicum of what you want.

Show DH this thread as well!