Longterm affair or what?

[Destroyedandconfused]

Hi there, name changed for this one...back story- discovered a year ago that partner had had a 6 year regular relationship with one particular "escort"/ prostitute - all the same sad clichés.... second phone, disconnected with relationship, ED issues, menopausal symptoms, paid for all sorts- phone/ pictures/rancid meetings in grubby budget hotels when away working. She's an older , I believe the word used in those circles is " mature", prostitute with an active FB which shows a normal outgoing, if slutty, regular woman. I found her number etc which is suddenly not on whatapp anymore but I also found her personal mobile number and there she was -completely normal looking - albeit it was filed under another name on his regular phone.why would an escort give somebody their personal number? He dudnt tell me that and I've not mentioned it as yet.He's remorseful, has stepped up- again all the cliches - and I'm trying to work through all of the mess to save this relationship. I'm not looking for advice about my decisions, I think everyone has their own story and nobody can live our life except ourselves..but I'm having a really difficult time trying the reconcile what this relationship was...she even sent him random photos of herself "dressed" in actual clothes( slutty) on a night out! I've trawled all those sad, pathetic disgusting sites and I've never found her, he's adamant that's where he did find her and I've seen the first " deposit" request so I think that's correct...or was it a dating app? I've no idea.. has anyone ever had a similar experience ?? I've never told anyone and I think I need some outside perspective..thanks for reading

@Destroyedandconfused Sorry to hear that you have been through this devastating situation. My advice is that if you feel the need to know all this detail, the situation will remain and eat you up. While that is eating at you, you will not be able to save the relationship, either find a way to forget the past focus on his behaviour going forwards or accept it is over.

I've not been in this exact scenario but I have experienced my partner being unfaithful. One thing I didn't get was the whole truth, as much as he swore blind it was. It wasn't and it still eats me up now not knowing... in one way it might be a blessing not knowing it all if will cause so much hurt but on the other hand you will constantly have these questions circulating in your head and it will drive you insane.

It will really depend on how strong you are. Can you move on from this now without knowing or not? I'd be mindful that even questioning him he probably won't tell you everything anyway and if you can accept that then good for you if you can't I wouldn't stay as it will play on your mind

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.... it looks so much more shocking when written down! And it is and was....I'm focused on myself and my family and he's trying every day- I do try to focus on this and most of the time I do...we both have high powered jobs and a very busy family life which can serve as a complete distraction for me. I've read the books, podcasts -I could give counselling at this stage! The trauma bond, the " it's not about me", the " it was his choice", the "wounded inner child" and all the other stuff and sometimes it helps- but when you think you might have a handle on the whole thing, you find her personal bloody phone number and it brings you straight back to the devastation of those first few weeks when your reality, your life as you know it and your very identity was destroyed - and it does circle me back to what KIND of f#cked up relationship was between them...you're correct he'll never give me the whole truth and I know that but I can't seem to make sense of the fact that it was the same prostitute and inevitably there was a relationship- not just transactional s#x ( even though that makes me sick aswell). Ive just not come across anything written about the cheating with one particular sexworker and was looking to see if anyone else has had the misfortune to have the same experience as me.I think I probably should go and talk it out with a therapist as it's not serving me well just trying to internalise all of it on my own.