Narcissist husband?

[Nickij2024]

I’ve posted before but I wanted to post the updated version for some full context of the whole story and what has happened since my original post.

Is my husband a narcissist?

So I met my husband 11 years ago. He was the brother of my best friend and we met at a family event. He had left his wife 4 months before and they had 2 children together (they had only been married for a year but together for 6).
He basically hounded me for my number so I gave it to him. At the time I was a single mum to a 2 year old and 24 years old.
The relationship moved very fast. Within a month he was crying saying how much he loved me, telling me he loved me more than he ever loved his wife and that he’s never felt this way before. He would buy me presents, sent me flowers and would send me long long messages every morning about how much he loved me. Within 2 months he was living with me.
He didn’t see his other children much as his ex was crazy and I saw that first hand. She slashed his tyres, tried to get him fired at work the lot. Not seeing his kids never seemed to bother him much at all though.
After a year together he proposed on our anniversary and a week later I found out I was pregnant. The first issue I remember was about 6 weeks after he proposed, I called him out on something and he threatened to end the relationship. We had literally just got engaged.
I remember him threatening to leave me again when I was 6 months pregnant when I called him out on something.
Everything seemed fine for years although our relationship was very volatile after we had a drink. He would instigate arguments and then blame it on me and on a couple of occasions was physically abusive (pinned me up against the way, pushed me into a door frame and tried to punch me in the back as I walked out of the room).
There were some other weird instances with him such as once I saw emails on his phone for meet for sex apps which were set up when he was on a work Christmas night out. They used his password he used for everything and one of them was for women and the other for gay men. I confronted him about this and he said it was someone at work messing around and even got someone from work to call me saying it was a joke but the fact it was his password never sat well with me.
I also caught him sat watching porn a couple of times at 6am whilst eating his breakfast - strange behaviour.
Other than when having a drink our relationship seemed healthy. We got on so well, laughed all the time and I believed he was my soul mate. I truly believed he loved me more than anything.
Roll onto 2021 and after 8 years together we got married. On the day he made grown men cry with his speech about how much he loved me and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.
7 months after we got married he went to America on a work trip for 5 weeks. During this time he called me daily and said he was struggling to sleep etc. 2 days before he came home I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. When I eventually did it was the morning he was coming home and he messaged me as normal saying there was no wifi at the hotel that’s why he couldn’t contact me. I messaged back saying that wasn’t true as I was so worried about him that I messaged his work friend on Facebook and that went through fine. His reply was then that we needed to talk. Turns out he has slept with 3 other women on this work trip and continued to call me in between like nothing had happened telling me he loved me etc. The last woman he slept with he actually met up with twice and during the 24 hours I didn’t hear from him he invited her to the hotel in front of all of his work friends who knew he was married. When he got back he said the most horrible things to me about how it was the best sex he ever had and how he thought he had feelings for this woman he had met twice.
He moved out of the family home and was signed off work with burnout. He was a mess when he got back. His mental health went down hill rapidly and I couldn’t understand what had happened as I believed I was his world. I convinced myself he must have lost the plot whilst over there and that that’s why he cheated and the state of him made me believe that more.
During the time he moved out I went on holiday and he went into the house and did up the garden whilst I was away then turned up on the holiday unannounced halfway through. At one point I went on a night out and moved the camera from by the front door and he messaged me saying that if I did anything on that night out it was done for good (baring in mind he was the one who cheated on me). I booked him a doctors appointment trying to help him with his mental health and he walked out of the doctors blaming me. Eventually he did get help and seemed to become himself again.
Stupidly I took him back and we swept it all under the carpet. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it because it made him feel bad and he wanted to ‘move on’.
In the years after then I never fully trusted him. When he went on nights away he would promise to message me but never did and would then come home and guilt trip me saying ‘I won’t go again then’ rather than taking responsibility. I would spend them nights in tears worried what he was up to but he didn’t seem to care that his previous behaviour had made me that way.
In September he told me he was going to get the car checked and didn’t come home. He text me at 5pm saying he was on the beer and wouldn’t be back then turned his phone off. For the next 3 days I hardly heard from him and had no contact at all in the evenings. On the 4th day he came home and said he was depressed and needed to sort his head out and was sorry. I told him I was considering packing his stuff for him and he got angry saying I was ‘quick enough to sack him off’.
For the few days after that I was really angry at him and distant. On the Thursday night we checked in for our holiday online and he was talking about going to view venues for my mums birthday. On the Friday morning he messaged me from working saying ‘hey beautiful how’s your day’ as he always did.
He then came home at 12.30 and said we needed to talk. He sat down and said he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for a year. He said he was saying what he thought he had to and was a better actor than he thought (3 weeks before this he was crying on our wedding anniversary telling me how much he loved me). I asked him if he cheated again and he said no but couldn’t say he never would as he doesn’t love me. He said when he looked at me all he saw was the mother of his children. There was zero emotion at all and he was completely detached. We walked out of the house and said hi to our neighbour like nothing happened whilst I was in pieces. He text our eldest daughter asking her to get her sister from school as he couldn’t, just like he would be late from home work or something.
The next day he came to pick some stuff up and was smirking at me saying ‘at least I’m not a hinderance to you anymore’.
I had hardly any contact from him even though I was begging him to speak to me because I was so confused and blind sided about it all. He took our daughter to the football a week after leaving and was sat in front of her messaging another woman love heart emojis.
2 weeks after he left he messaged me claiming that he rented a room from a woman at work that he saw on the online notice board. Apparently they had ‘gotten close’ during that time and slept together.
For 3 months he made no effort with the children at all, he didn’t even send our daughter a birthday card or present. He basically cut me off completely and the odd message I did get from him was very cold and detached. He kept blaming it all on America and just repeatedly kept telling me he doesn’t love me. He kept telling me how happy he is and that our children should be happy because he is.
I was in a mess. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, was off sick from work and was verging on suicidal and all he kept doing was telling me he was so happy in this new life.
At the start of December he remembered he had 2 children and wanted to see them. They at 14 (stepdaughter) and 9 both said they didn’t want to see him and of course he blamed that on me. I was called manipulative and told I would mess them up etc etc.
He went on holiday with this woman to Egypt just before Christmas and I did not hear from him for 9 days. I then woke up to an email from him at 2am Christmas Day morning saying he was sorry he let me down. He knew full well that would be the first thing I would see. He then continued to message me throughout the day saying how upset he was like he expected me to feel sorry for him.
A few days later out of the blue he started messaging me saying he needs help, his head is a mess and he’s messed up. He was saying he loves me and needs me and wants to sort it out and was moving out of this woman’s house the next day. It took him 4 days to move out.
He then spent 4 days begging me to sort it out saying he wanted to go to the doctors for depression, get counselling and would never let me down again. He was staying at his mums but put pressure on me to let him move back in saying he would have to go back to that woman’s if he couldn’t. He was crying saying he wanted his wife back and didn’t want to get divorced. Stupidly I let him get back into my head.
On the 5th day I had booked him a doctors appointment. I didn’t hear from him all day until the evening when he messaged me saying he had gone back to this woman’s house as that’s apparently where his heart is. He didn’t even speak to me first or anything.
The stress of it all took its toll on me and I ended up fainting twice a couple of days later and had to go to a&e as I smashed my head off the concrete and split my ear open. I told him what had happened as I wasn’t sure if I could find someone to have the kids whilst I waited to be seen and he literally didn’t care. He didn’t ask how I was and I didn’t hear from him after that for 3 weeks.
When I did next hear from him he sent me the most horrible emails (because I’m blocked on everything) saying that he had been forcing his feelings for 2 years since America. He said he wouldn’t have a fake relationship with me and that he didn’t love me and that ‘it didn’t work between us, move on’.
He changed his profile photo on Facebook to him and this woman kissing and all of his friends and family started liking it so I’m not sure what story he has told them. I told him I thought that was disrespectful and his response was ‘don’t look at it then’.
Ever since then I’ve had nothing but cold indifference on the odd occasion I have heard from him. He is blaming me for the kids not wanting to see him and seems completely incapable of taking any responsibility for it at all.
I’ve found it so hard to come to terms with as he has destroyed me. I’ve been having therapy and realised that he’s been emotionally manipulating me for so many years. He would go from lovebombing me, leaving me notes downstairs telling me he loved me, buying me flowers and telling me if it’s not me it’s no one to threatening to leave me if I ever called him out or being verbally abusive if he didn’t like something.
Some examples, on my birthday he walked off and left me on my own in town because I said I didn’t want to go home yet as we had only been out for 2 hours.
He came home from a night out telling me I’m a bad wife because I don’t go down on him out of the blue like his football mates girlfriends do.
He would call me a dickhead, a twat, a c**t etc if we ever had a disagreement.
On our anniversary night out he was sat on his phone for ages so I asked him to get off it. Cue 20 minutes of verbal abuse and me going off to the toilet crying. He took the mick out of me pretending to take a photo for instagram and when I tried to ask him to drop it he just kept telling me to fuck off. In the end I went outside for fresh air and came back to a glass of wine and ice cream and him acting like nothing had happened (this switch was common for him). Whenever he was horrible the next morning he would get up like nothing happened and make me breakfast. It was always very strange.
A week or so before he left in front of our children he told me to ‘get back in my box as I keep coming out of it too often’.
Whenever I tried to speak to him about our marriage he would shut me down or just fall asleep. He would say I ruined his day, was getting him down or was always on at him. I got to a point where I was worried to say anything as he might leave.
Counselling is helping me realise that he had been living in my thoughts 24/7 for years. I’ve constantly tried to make him as happy as possible because when he is he is so loving and affectionate and it was similar to how he was in the first year. When he was horrible I allowed him to sweep in under the carpet because I just wanted the love bombing again. I was obsessed with him loving me and my whole world revolved around him.
Even after the way he has treated me and my children I am still obsessed with him and I’m starting to think it might be a trauma bond. I feel completely lost without him even though logically I know I deserve better and I couldn’t be happy with him again. It’s been 5 months and I feel no further forward in my recovery. I struggle to get out of bed or do anything other than what I absolutely have to for my children. I have days where I feel like I can’t do it anymore and that everything seems pointless. I crave contact with him constantly and can’t help myself but reach out to him which is pathetic. I feel like an addict.
I still struggle to accept how he’s behaved because my view of him from the first year is so cemented into my brain that I am trying to make excuses for his behaviour. I still see him as this sweet, loving and caring man who loved me so much which is ridiculous after the way he has treated me.
All the while though he is off in his new life without giving me and the kids a second thought.
Some other key points that I didn’t know where to fit in:

1. His children from his previous marriage went into foster care 5 years ago and it never really bothered him. He hasn’t seen them for 6 years at all.
2. He was always either absolutely obsessed with me or treating me like shit. The verbal abuse was probably only every 3 weeks or so but the emotional manipulation was much more frequent
3. When he was horrible to me I could be crying in front of him asking him to speak to me and he would just go to sleep
4. If I ever called him out on anything dodgy he would refuse to come home until I apologised and basically begged him to
5. I used to be such a strong, independent woman and now I’m just a mess
6. I found out since he left that he had a Snapchat account in a fake name
7. He will die on the hill that nothing was going on with this woman before. She is older than him (she’s 51, he’s 40 and I’m 36) and is the opposite of me and his type
8. All of my family absolutely loved him and thought he was completely obsessed with me - they too can’t believe the complete change in him
9. He never wanted to spend time with my family and would always go home early or go to bed if they were round for the evening
10. Our 9 year old is autistic and he never understood her or had patience with her. He used to make her more frustrated and overwhelmed constantly
11. He waited on me hand and foot when he wasn’t be horrible and I think that was because he needed to feel like the perfect husband and I genuinely believed he was despite the times he definitely was not

That’s all I can think of right now but there will be more. sorry for the long post but I’m just trying to get an idea of whether I’m putting 2 and 2 together and making 5 or whether he is an actual narcissist.

I can’t read that op it’s just so very long

but the very fact you’re asking mumsnet whether your husband is a narcissist and writing a novel of what you think is evidence - would indicate that this marriage is dead and now rotting

He’s a tosser, that’s all you need to know.

I tried to read it all. It’s so toxic.

Instead of focusing on labelling him (I agree he’s a messed up moron) and the other woman make sure you’re permanently separate, please don’t take him back, and seek therapy for yourself. With the sole aim of just never giving a shit about him or where he is or what he’s doing. He’s proved he can’t be trusted and this is probably what drove his first wife to be so reactive and act ‘unhinged’. Don’t fall into that trap.

This has damaged you and I think time out of relationships for yourself, to heal and find a peaceful life, would really help you. You can focus on yourself and your own family.

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, but set yourself a time limit and then pull yourself up and move forward in a positive way.

The man is an abusive arsehole and I wouldn’t waste your time trying to understand him. You need to focus your energy on recovering and looking after your children and don’t give this man anymore of your energy.

Just to add I can really feel the hurt from you and I understand. But ruminating and obsessing over what he is will only prolong your suffering and the damage caused.

I know it feels traumatic at the moment - but as a first step whilst you’re waiting for a referral try and picture where you’d like to be in a years time. Give yourself a realistic goal. Just small steps. Perhaps going away with your Dc somewhere you’d both enjoy that you’d not have been able to go with him? Plan nice things to do.

CBT and talking therapy is awesome. It hurts at first but you get exercises to help change the way you brain processes things, to build back some of your emotional resilience. You’ll slowly start feeling like your old self again. And the boundaries that he’s worn down will be built back up so this doesn’t affect your life moving forward, and so that you don’t carry this into any future relationships.

Thos way you’ll end up having a much happier more relaxing life, and he’ll end up a sad lonely loser and when he keeps circling back for attention your head will be in a better space, so you feel strong enough to not keep taking him back.

Why on earth does it matter what label he has?! The man is an arsehole and you seem to have ignored the multitude of red flags that were clearly there from the very beginning of the relationship, and then tried to brush all of his abusive and cheating behaviour under the carpet for years. Why bother ruminating now on whether he is a narcissist? Crying and saying how much he loved you after a month should have been enough to send you running for the hills.

Hi op, I felt every part of what you've wrote here. I've no words of advice other than to give you reassurance that yes it was abusive. I think the word narcissist is thrown about a lot these days. But I would say you were in a emotional abusive relationship.
My story is different from yours yet similar in ways. My own post would be a long one like yours as I'm still left filtering through everything 3 yrs later and ruminating on it all.
He got another woman pregnant which is what made us stay apart otherwise I'd have went running back like I did time and time again. I still deal with moments of him saying he regrets walking out and getting someone pregnant, but also likes to say if I'd been a better partner this wouldn't have happened. Left the entire blame on me and the breakdown of our family on me as well as having to process we broke up and I was single for the first time since 16 and had to learn single motherhood with a 3 and 4 yr old. With no friends or outside help as I cut everyone off to make him trust me more. I had to completely restart over. I've been to hell and haven't really came back. We co parent which makes it harder. I'm delighted he's there for the kids but seeing him is hard because I would say I'm trauma bonded too and I was left in the pits of depression because of him. He stayed with the girl he got pregnant, introduced the kids 4 months in because she got pregnant basically the night he left me. He basically created a whole new family and life and just fucked me off. I'm still processing it all......
I've had a lot of moments of him saying he's sorry, wishes he could take it back, misses me, wanting to come back but in the same mouthful he'll then tell me how I was to blame for him leaving in the first place.
My point is, this man is toxic for you. Start recognising that he knows how to play you when it suits him, like I had to take notice of. He's using you op. You can't see it because you're trying to explain away his behaviour, I do that too but deep down we both know we didn't deserve this treatment and our future ripped away from us. Feel the emotions you need to feel because I certainly know how it feels like the whole world has been ripped beneath you. It was done to me. I still have moments where I believe him but I've learned to judge the actions and not listen to the words. You need to as well, it takes time because you still love him! I get it... You don't want this to be over.
Op trust me he'll do it time and time again if he's a cheat. Show your daughters to never allow a man to leave you in this despair. Show them your worth and show them how worthy they are to never trust a man like this.
Please just know you are not alone, I can hear the pain in your post.
I know exactly what you are experiencing and so will many others.
But listen to what everyone tells you on here op which will be block him, no communication unless about kids arrangements You need to heal, he knows how to work you. You need time to strengthen so he can't pull on those strings and you also need time away from him being nasty. Take your power back op, it's the only way out of the shit show

Sorry only skim read the first bit and couldn’t read it all.

the bit where you said his children are in foster care and he didn’t look after them and hasn’t seen them in years is absolutely disgusting. That’s all I need to know about him to decide what I think of him

I think I wrote a reply on your last post.
You are clearly struggling at the moment with all of this and you are going to make yourself really poorly with this ruminating and the need to go over all this. You can’t make sense of it.
He may or not be a narcissist but what he is, is an absolute shit. He does display narcissistic behaviour though.
Go back and read your last thread and the replies from very helpful posters including @tipsyjoker who really knows her stuff.
Constantly going over his behaviour trying to categorise it will make you mentally unwell.
You need to think about yourself and your children now. I would follow the tips about doing the Freedom Programme and getting counselling. Who you are as a person has got lost in all of this.
It’s time to get get you back.

This is going to sound really stupid but how do I find who I am again?
I literally don’t know who I am without him and it’s draining me.
I feel like it’s never going to feel better and I’m just stuck in this place if not knowing what to do to be honest.
Counselling has made me aware that he’s in my head 24/7 still because he has been in my head 24/7 for years as I’ve always been trying to make him as happy as possible so he would provide the love and security he did during the love bombing. She likened it to being like a drug and me being addicted to him and the way he made me feel.
When does life stop feeling hopeless again?
I feel like logically I know he’s horrible and me and my children deserve so much better but emotionally I just can’t seem to catch up at all.
I really appreciate all of your advice as none of my family understand at all.

Your life without this man in it is going to be so much better, clearer, more focussed and happier. He is like the character in a soap opera whose job in the plot is to create cliff hanger endings to each episode, without fail.

Write down what you believe are the 3 most important bases for a strong, trusting relationship. From a friendship first and then a romantic partnership.
Write down the three things you wish your daughter /s will ask the person she thinks is the love of her life when she meets them / settles down with them. And what 5 things you hope you has in her life that bring her joy besides a romantic partner.
Write down the chance of your partner changing to be the person who only offers you the 3 things you need in a relationship. (Going by what you have said I would myself say no chance at all, but would like to know what you say).
See how many of the 5 you already have in your life. And how you can work on getting more of / giving more to them.

And keep giving yourself a pat on the back for surviving the last few years. Your relationship with this man was a war zone.

The only way to cure an addiction like this is to go cold turkey.
It won’t stop your mind from swirling, but over time, it will lessen.
I found Dr Ramani on YouTube really helpful.
But then you need to move your mind to you, because it existed long before he came along.
I find using my brain helps but by concentrating on something entirely different - it’s creative writing for me, but it could be anything.
Helping someone else, even in a small way, helps.
Doing little things for yourself, even if it’s just blow drying your hair or doing your nails.
It is like a hostage leaving a hostage situation, where the hostage has had to placate the captor in order to survive. Your brain is stuck in that mode.
You have been trying to survive by second guessing him.
Take baby steps every day. Spending time with others helps, but make a promise not to talk about him. It’s just feeding the addiction.

Just remember this man early doors tried to punch you in the back when you were leaving a room.
Cowardly and violent.
Imagine you have a daughter who told you this, and described all you have above?

You can label him a Narcissist if that helps - but it doesn't really matter does it?

Try to focus on moving on. Take small steps. You wont feel yourself (fully) again for a while - but you will get there and you;ll be so glad you are free of him in the future.

For now try to minimise any contact you have with him. Stick to conversations about the divorce and any arrangements with the children that are necessary and disengage with anything else. Remove him from your social media.

Thank you so much for your support
and advice and I will take it all on board.

I have tried to contact him today about starting to divorce as I feel it’s what I need to fully have closure and move forward and also something I need to do to take my power back.
He has said he ‘isn’t pressing the divorce button as of yet’ but if I want to then go ahead and he will sign whatever is necessary.
He is also claiming I’ve been hiding money from him so said he want finances fully disclosed before he agrees to the divorce. We do not own a house and have no joint assets so there is not real need for this but I have nothing to hide.
The last message I had was ‘you do what’s right for you’. I feel like he won’t make this easy and is trying to make it my choice in a way even though he cheated on me and is currently living with another woman.
Ive got an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow as I don’t feel I should be paying for it but he won’t do anything about it himself.

He’s addicted to the drama too so of course will try and prolong it by any means possible and constantly attempt to hook you back in (as in the examples you’ve just given above). You’ll need to commit to disengaging constantly. Google the “grey rock” method of communication as that is the only way you should engage with him from now on. Leave the solicitors to handle things, keep things simple and just focus on finances and finishing things as swiftly as possible. He’s poison. Don’t engage. You CAN recover from this very traumatic experience. It will just take some time.

This is him trying to be in control of the situation. Tough tits - he is no longer in control as you’re taking it back. If you haven’t already ( not up to date with the thread yet) then it’s not up to him to demand any disclosure prior to the divorce proceedings commencing. Financial disclosure is part of the process - what’s the bet he wants to say to you “you’ll have no money so actually you’ll have to stay married to me” and try and coerce you into agreeing to stay married. Nope - don’t agree. You can file for divorce and he doesn’t have to agree. It’s no fault divorce now. Papers will be served on him.

Take that control back and limit all contact with him. His behaviour is all the closure that you need.

This man is absolutely broken and he tried to break you - now you gather up the pieces of yourself and build yourself back into a person you want to be. A person who does not spend one more minute of your life answering this man's messages and thinking about this toxic piece of sh*t. What an absolute psychopath. Narcissist, sociopath, bully, abusive psycho... but ultimately who cares. He's in your past and that's where he needs to stay.

I don’t know how it works but I feel like I’m going to be the one ending up paying for it just to get it done even though I feel like he should be as he was the one that cheated and ruined the marriage and is now living with another woman.
He can’t hold money over me luckily as I don’t need him financially. I have a really good job and am financially stable by myself so that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about x

He has not seen our children for 2 months and has only seen them once since he left. One is 9 who is ours and one is 14 who is mine but he has raised her with me since she was 2. They currently refuse to see him no matter how much I try due to the fact he acted like they didn’t exist for months and they’re old enough to see and understand how he’s behaved.
I literally spent an hour Saturday morning trying to convince my 9 year old to let him take her to the football and she refused. She is autistic and football is her hyperfixation and she said she would rather lose her season ticket than him take her which says a lot really.

He said to me earlier that he will only agree to the divorce when I make the kids see him. He essentially wants me to physically force them to see him and is almost blackmailing me that he won’t agree to the divorce until that happens as he knows I want closure.

I then told him that I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow for advice. He is now saying that apparantly he wants a court order regarding the kids and to go through CSA from now on regarding maintenance as ‘he’s not being blackmailed’ even though he has been paying me directly ever since he left. I don’t understand why it makes a difference as they will just do the calculation that we did online and tell him to send me the same amount. He’s also told me not to contact him again.

He is literally living with another woman and saying he’s so happy yet he won’t outright say he wants a divorce. He seems to want it to be me that does it so that he doesn’t look bad and now that I’ve told him I’ve got an appointment it’s like he’s trying to make it harder than it needs to be. If he’s so happy with his new life why does he not just want it done so we can move on and what has he all of a sudden said to go to CSA. My mind is frazzled at this point.

I'd stop communicating with him altogether.
The quicker you can do that the quicker you will heal.

If he wants to see your kids he can take you to court.
He won't.

You just go on gov.uk Web site and file for divorce and yes you have to pay upfront £593, paperwork gets emailed to him or posted for him to sign ans send back , but guessing he will make it difficult,

💯 agree

I had a call with a solicitor this morning and she said that the rules have changed now and he can’t contest the divorce. If I file for divorce it will be agreed even without a contact order in place etc. So at least that’s something he can’t continue to control me over.

I also had counselling this morning and he believes his reaction to me starting the divorce is his way of keeping control and also like he’s angry about the fact I’m getting stronger and starting to step away from him. My counsellor thinks that he loves the fact that I’m obsessed with him and that I’ve been feeding that which makes sense. It’s like he doesn’t want to be with me because he has his new woman but he loves the attention and ego boost me sat around longing for him gives him x

I think your counsellor is 100% right on him losing control, he's demonstrated that he's a control/power freak all throughout your relationship (from day one when he pursued you, to the love bombing, to the abuse and everything inbetween).

How do you feel having spoken to the solicitor?