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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not that close to parents - worried about relationship with DD

6 replies

lilioa · 26/02/2025 18:17

For anyone who is not massively close to their parents, have you read or done anything (therapy aside!) that has reassured you about/given you a bit of a model for relationships with your own DC?

My relationship with my parents isn't awful but it doesn't come very naturally. Growing up, my DF was a mix of very loving or very stressed/angry, and left a lot to my DM. My DM on the other hand was super practical, took care of absolutely everything to do with us, but perhaps not that emotionally available. Nowadays they're still together but have very different interests and don't get along that well. I also have an older sibling who has very little to do with them, and now seem to have adopted a sort of peacekeeper role, which never feels particularly functional.

Now that I have my own DD I'm a bit worried I'm going to let her down because I don't have a straightforward reference point. DH (who is great) has reassured me but has his own concerns as he has a complicated family dynamic too.

A lot of this is probably anxiety so I'm optimistic that there must be some good books etc. out there. Does anyone have any wisdom? Thank you!

OP posts:
Purplturpl · 26/02/2025 18:22

How old is your dd?

lilioa · 26/02/2025 19:35

Purplturpl · 26/02/2025 18:22

How old is your dd?

A toddler, so still very young.

OP posts:
Utterlyexhausted · 26/02/2025 19:55

I'm no contact with my mum and step dad. I also have 2 daughters (21 & 19). My husband and I found parenting them easier than expected because
1.They were both very wanted children

  1. They made doing the exact opposite parenting-wise an easy template!

My advice is: remind your children they are loved, often. You're not their friend, you are their parent but they can come to you to tell you anything, good or bad. Their opinion matters. Don't create a hostile atmosphere within your home. Make your home a warm safe place.

Yes you will make mistakes, you're human, but overall be kind to yourself. ❤️

Catsnap · 26/02/2025 20:34

I wouldn’t worry a bit tbh. If you’ve lived through the bad example then it’s really lovely to have the opportunity to create a better version. I have a nearly grown-up daughter and we are close. It’s been an absolute privilege to create that closeness for her as it was something I didn’t get for myself - and I would have loved it. I also got better at mothering myself along the way…as I would realise that sometimes I was treating her better than I treat myself. I read a lot about emotionally absent mothers, which helped. It’s been a rollercoaster at times, but well worth it.

Purplturpl · 26/02/2025 20:49

I would say that the fact you are even considering this shows you will be fine. It sounds like your own parents were quite detached and not emotionally present for you? Make sure to always show her that you are there for her with her best interests being your most important. Take time to share and take an interest in the things that are important to her. This way you will have a strong bond

RosesAreNice · 26/02/2025 20:52

I recommend reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry.

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