My mother comes from a large family. One of her sisters used to visit and I like my aunt. She's a nice lady.
Over the past few years things between my aunt and my mother - I don't know what happened. I don't know how to explain this. I will my best. I need help to manage a situation please.
I remember an incident years ago, maybe around about 2019, where my aunt asked me to email one of her sisters who lives abroad because I was the only person where the other aunt shared her email to. I emailed my other aunt and then I mentioned it to my aunt. I mentioned it to my mother and my mother's reaction was one of anger. Nearly some sort of delusional outburst. I don't know what it was but she raged at me about contacting my other aunt and the fact that my local aunt asked me to do it and how dare I when it's her family and she's not told. But the thing is I was telling her. Her rant made no sense.
In 2020, my local aunt came to visit. My mother invited her in and they had a good afternoon of tea, snacks and chats.
When my aunt left to go home - my mother broke out in another anger about my aunt - 'who the F*ck does she think she is coming here in a PANDAMIC FLAUNTING her size 8 JEANS'.
The thing is my aunt wasn't flaunting anything and she's not a size 8 either. It was crazy.
There has been a few different incidents over the past few years where my mother made drama about my aunt and her family. There was a wedding in my aunt's family. My mother didn't want to go but she felt she had an obligation to go. My mother obsessed for months about an outfit and then she rsvp'd as attending but turned around and didn't go to the wedding. She sent me alone and got me to lie for her and tell her family that she was sick for the day. She wasn't sick. She refused to give a card and a gift because she wasn't going even though there was a place for her because she rsvp'd as attending.
Then there was a very close death in my aunt's family and my mother made more drama about that and again it wasn't directly to my aunt but I heard it all.
Then another time there was good news in my aunt's family about the birth of her first grandchild and it should have been a happy joyous occasion and one to wish well. Again my mother wasn't direct with her anger but it was all vented to me where she shouted abuse about my cousin - 'and the poor kid having him as a father....the F*cking little dickhead...who can't even talk'.
It was just the most vilest thing that I ever heard. I never knew my mother to have such drama.
My aunt used to do all the visiting. About 2 or 3 times a year and their afternoons together seemed to be good where it consisted if chats, tea, snacks. Under it all my mother had hate.
Eventually there has been other things happening and I think my mother might have dementia but it's not diagnosed because it's all behavioural, mood and anger issues and everyone wants to see a typical forgetfulness before they see a problem. Even GPs. Or they want to see a decline in daily living tasks before they see a problem. All the while there is a lot of disfunction happening in the back ground from my mother including some OCD and other anger outbursts and there is a lot of stuff happening.
My aunt isn't aware of what my observations and suspicions are. So far I don't want to talk to anyone in my mother's family although I could do with the help even a social visit/chat. A lot of my aunts and uncles now keep to themselves now.
Over the past few years their relationship has taken a nosedive further. The last time my aunt came to visit was in 2022 and nothings since then. There hasnt much communication between the two of them. My mother got some good news last year and she set about to notify all of her siblings except for my aunt. She left her out. My mother just seems to have some level of hate for my aunt even though she's a lovely lady.
Last year, there only communication has been done through my. There was nothing until later in the year when the two of them had birthdays close together. My mother thought about my aunt's birthday and my mother wanted me to text my aunt a happy birthday from the two of us. My aunt replied. Thanks. There was no other communication from her. Just that.
A few weeks later my aunt texted me for my mother's birthday asking me to tell her a happy birthday to her from her.
At that stage I am actually pissed off. Their only communication for the year was done through me. What was wrong with picking up the phone and calling each other? Or sending a birthday in the post. Just messages.
I was apprehensive telling my mother knowing what sort of a response I was going to get. It was likely going to be one of hate and anger about my aunt and her family. I don't know.
Then this gets more complicated. My partner works in my aunt's local and a few weeks ago my aunt informed my partner that her son and their partner is expecting another baby.
My partner told me. This was something I decided not to tell my mother because I would likely get a reaction of hate and her spitting abuse about it when it should be good news. I don't understand how she can't wish someone well and her reaction is hate.
This will likely become an issue in time if say for example my aunt was to ever decide to visit my mother again and my aunt chats and says things like -
'i sent a birthday greeting to Kitty, did you get it?' or I chatted to Kitty's partner, I can't believe he and Kitty never told you that I am due to be a granny again.
I think it could be unlikely my aunt could visit again because it's been 2 and half years and it's been nothing from her and their relationship is gone to nothing now.
How do you think I can manage this situation? I am getting caught up between the two of them.
On a different note - my mother has some issues and is wrongly think it could be dementia and I think it could be FTD which is rarer and harder to diagnosis. FTD is behaviour and mood dementia and memory isn't affected as such in the early stages. So that's why it's harder to diagnosis because everyone's idea of dementia is memory loss. My grandmother was crazy in her old age and had to go to a home and according to my mother she had dementia but it was mild because she never forgot. Those were my mother's words. This to me is a red flag towards FTD. Apparantly FTD can run in families and I would nearly put money on this but if course this isn't talked about in families. I wouldn't be surprised if more of her siblings have similar.
I know this is long and a lot to take in.