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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Supporting a friend who has a toxic partner

6 replies

Owlmama101 · 26/02/2025 16:20

I’m struggling on how to best support one of my closest friends who is unhappy in her relationship but won’t leave.

The cycle is, he upsets her either being nasty/ calling her names/ controlling or expecting her to do everything, she calls me crying and saying she hates him and wants to leave, they patch things up and she tells me that they’re in love.

We have argued over it in the past as I have commented that he won’t change who he is or try and get her to tell me how she really feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlmama101 · 26/02/2025 16:22

They have 3 kids in the house, his 2 older boys and their joint 1 year old

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 26/02/2025 16:29

A friend of mine once said to me “you’ll leave him when you’re ready and nothing anyone says in the meantime will convince you otherwise. So I’m not going to tell you that you should leave him, I’ll just be here for you when you do”.

She was only early 20s and so wise! I did eventually leave him, sadly he wasn’t the only abusive wanker I had a relationship with, but I remember her words and her kindness for not judging me.

Original poster
Owlmama101 · 26/02/2025 16:38

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 26/02/2025 16:29

A friend of mine once said to me “you’ll leave him when you’re ready and nothing anyone says in the meantime will convince you otherwise. So I’m not going to tell you that you should leave him, I’ll just be here for you when you do”.

She was only early 20s and so wise! I did eventually leave him, sadly he wasn’t the only abusive wanker I had a relationship with, but I remember her words and her kindness for not judging me.

Thank you, this does really help. I just am struggling at this point as it feels like for the last 18 months she has come to me and it affects my mental health as well as I worry about her and it stresses me knowing she’s unhappy.

i do think she has to be ready to leave

OP posts:
Notgivenuphope · 26/02/2025 16:40

I would tell her you will be there unconditionally to support her and her baby but you do not want his name mentioned around you unless in the context of her leaving him.
I support YOU but not your relationship with this individual.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 26/02/2025 18:10

Thats fair to say @Notgivenuphope - you do need to protect your own MH. The only worry would be that the DCs are also living with this and a blanket ban on talking about him means you may not hear about a potential safeguarding risk for them. But tbh that’s on their mum really 😢

Original poster
Owlmama101 · 26/02/2025 18:44

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 26/02/2025 18:10

Thats fair to say @Notgivenuphope - you do need to protect your own MH. The only worry would be that the DCs are also living with this and a blanket ban on talking about him means you may not hear about a potential safeguarding risk for them. But tbh that’s on their mum really 😢

I don’t think I could ever tell her not to come to me about anything, I know I need to protect my mental health but I feel like it’s turning a blind eye. I think I will just remind her every time she talks about him that he won’t change, she’s said it herself, there’s nothing more I can say and give her support

OP posts:
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