Boyfriend of 6 years lusting after other women

[minnieot]

We've been together since I was 16 and he was 17, we were each other's first everything and we have a 5 month old baby together.

We've always thought social media and porn ruin relationships so both of us deleted most of our social media at the start and he said that he wouldn't watch porn out of respect for me, I didn't even really care about that in the beginning but it was a boundary still which we both agreed on.

Since having our son, things have been quite strained as I was very anxious during pregnancy and our baby has been quite a difficult baby with multiple allergies which has been really rough for us all.

I felt him starting to withdraw and not put as much effort in with the baby so we would argue a lot and it felt like he was avoiding me, he'd actively leave the room and go somewhere else most of the time.

He seemed addicted to his phone, even when he'd have the baby for an hour, he'd be looking at his phone non stop so two nights ago I decided to check his phone when he was sleeping which is the first time I've ever felt the need to do that in over 6 years.

He hasn't been talking to anybody directly but he's been on Reddit on nsfw subreddits and has photos of naked girls in his camera roll and has been speaking to chatgpt about how much he hates me, he said he finds me ugly and had multiple chats obsessively fantasising over other women, anime characters (which is really odd, neither of us watch anime), and even his friends girlfriend.
When we were having an argument he told it that he doesn't care if we break up because he can be with women who are actually his type anyway.

I just feel crushed. I feel like he's a stranger, that isn't the man I thought I knew for 6 years.

It digs even deeper because none of the women look anything like me and he knows that I've been feeling absolutely horrendously insecure about my body which has changed so much since pregnancy and giving birth.

I don't know what I'm asking for really but I just needed a place to get it out because I'm feeling heartbroken and don't know where to go from here really.

I think if you have been together since 16/17 years old you have both grown up in that 6 years and it sounds as if he wants other things now.

@BodenCardiganNot if he wants other things now he should have never agreed to have a baby with me

Did you want the baby more than he did?
In any event, that ship has sailed. And you will be one of countless women who are left with the child while the dad moves on.

@BodenCardiganNot we both wanted the baby. I thought he was actually different to other men but I don't think good men even exist anymore tbh

I agree with the first poster. Most people don't meet their partner for life at 16. He might have wanted the baby with you or thought he did but things are never that clear cut. However, the way he's gone about it is horrible and you deserve better.

No, you're right. But if my bad maths is right you're now 22 and 23? So very young. It sounds like you're growing apart sadly. It often happens with relationships that started at a very young age. Added to that people's brains don't finish developing until around 25 so who he is at 23 is likely very different to who he was at 17 (same for you! And women tend to grow up far quicker when they become parents than men do, unscientific stereotype but IME true)

It is truly horrible the way he is talking and thinking about you and I hope you can find the strength to give him his marching orders.

If you say you both wanted the baby, it sounds to me like he is just being a dick about your body changing, with those feelings exacerbated by the stresses of actually taking care of a baby (which it sounds like falls mainly on you anyway!).

As other posters have implied, I get the impression it's more likely that he agreed to the baby more out of pressure. Many men are absolute cowards. They'll say yes to a baby just to keep the peace, and so they'll get some unprotected sex without the actual foresight of the implications.

Either way, his words on Chat GPT would be enough for me. That shows a massive disrespect. I think it's over in his head.

I’m so sorry OP. You could try couple's counselling but it sounds like he’s checked out of the relationship already and has zero respect for you.

As PP have said, we changed so much in our 20s. The pressures of a baby add to that. I don’t know many people who are still with their teenage sweetheart.

Time to prioritise you and your little one. It’s not what you had planned but you can do it alone.

It's not always age related, sadly some men continue this behaviour all through their life and whoever they are with, never satisfied. Don't blame yourself, in fact it should be you moving on and deserving better.

I agree with a lot of what has been posted already.
What you do in your teens is not what you do in you 20s same as 30s 40s we change as we get older and think differently.
You grow up together and your still growing up.
Its all rose tint at 16 - 17 but its not the case at 20s and upwards.
You and him have not known or experience other relationships as this was the first for both of you so growing up and growing apart seems to be whats happening.

The first year after having a baby is hard. A lot of relationships end because it changes the dynamics of the relationship.

I think that he's immature. If he wants to end the relationship he needs to grow some balls and actually do it. Instead, he wants you to end the relationship so he can play the victim.

Personally, I don't really care about porn ,so I media or even flirting. They aren't boundaries that my H and I have. But, these are your boundaries that you've made as a couple and it's disrespectful for him to disregard them.

On a side point, not all men are treacherous wankers.

You met as children and although you’ve grown together there’s a stage where you’ve started to grow differently as adults and both changed as people.

Im not defending his behaviour at all - he’s acting appallingly and is completely disrespecting you - but I think maybe the reality of becoming a father at a young age is very different to he imagined.

I know it’s not what you want but it’s perfectly possible to separate and become amicable co parents who both put your son first.