Life and Relationship Regrets…advice and kind words pls!

[Anon3837]

Pls be kind. I’m struggling so much. I look back over my life and have some regrets about marrying my H. How awful is that? I just feel we were very young, more like close friends, the best friends. Our sex life has never been great, even on our wedding night or honeymoon, I felt it was a struggle and didn’t come naturally. H was a virgin when we met - aged in his 20s. I had more experience and higher sex drive. Our sex life is non-existent and I have no interest in reviving it. I am craving intimacy and a physical relationship though.
H doesn’t miss it.

We absolutely adore one another and have been through a lot together over the years.
We have beautiful children, with special needs, who our lives absolutely revolve around. One has a lot of needs and challenges, along with suicidal and self harming tendencies

We are lucky in the home we live in, H is the bread winner. He is the loveliest man. I am not attracted to him. We do hug and sit together in the evening. But I can’t help feeling sad over how life has panned out and I feel life slipping me by. Mid-life crisis or what?! I’ve been feeling like it for a while, H is aware. I don’t feel like I’d be able to cope as a single parent of our children, although H is very hands on. I also feel it would devastate them.

I just feel like an awful person. I feel useless
and exhausted. Life is so restricted, we don’t really get to do anything and just “surviving”. I feel like I’ve aged so much in the past year or so.

I also became close to someone who was a supportive friend (nothing ever happened) and they have moved away and no longer in contact, which really hurts and I realise how reliant I was on them for their care and support.

Im on anti-depressants and have been for around 8 years now. i hardly sleep which doesn’t help! Nighttime is my time and I feel anxious as hell about things.

my wider family have issues too, health issues which are worrying. It’s just all getting on top of me and I don’t know what to do!

That sounds quite overwhelming. Particularly children with special needs. I would say - stay with your lovely husband while your plate is so full, and look for ways to fill your cup of joy. Write down say 5 activities that you love. Then ask when last you did them. So if say dancing, singing, walking, painting or sewing are activities that you love, get those back into your life. Once you've achieved that, ask yourself if your relationship with your DH is now more bearable. Need physical contact? Have a regular massage or reflexology session. I make these suggestions as your children are at a demanding age and you can't abandon them. Your DH is kind of.part of the deal. And you adore each other, even if it is with some limitations. If you can find other ways to improve your life, it may work out better for you than thinking about leaving your DH. All the best.

I hope wiser posters than me will come along with helpful advice, but can I just ask whether you are seeing a counsellor? Because if you don't you should definitely consider it.💐

I would contact Scope and ask about respite as you sound exhausted. You can also see what support there is available for you locally and online.

Young Minds is a young person's mental health charity and they have a good phone line if you need support.

You sound like you're in a very tricky situation. On the one hand, you have a lot of responsibility and you have a great relationship with your husband. On the other, you want a relationship with intimacy.

There's always the possibility that you and your husband would be great co parents. You would need to get legal advice regarding the house etc

I would get counselling to help you work through this.

I think the first poster nailed it. But also, have you considered you may be peri/menopausal? That may be adding to your lack of sleep and anxiety/low mood. Perhaps consider HRT if this is the case.