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Original poster

AITA - Partner suddenly in contact with ex fling

8 replies

otm · 26/02/2025 01:08

Sorry if this is me being insecure. Genuinely just a bit confused and feeling a bit uneasy so would love to know if I'm being unreasonable.

Long term serious relationship with my partner. We own a home together. Met 10 years ago and we've discussed marriage, I'm keen, they are open to it.

They mentioned an old flame early on, when we were discussing our first/early sexual encounters in the way people sometimes do. But this was nearly a decade ago, and they've never really mentioned them since.

Recently they casually mentioned they were meeting them for a walk and a catch up. I've never had reason to believe anything is up so thought nothing of it, though our sex life is going through some problems at the moment and I guess it seemed a bit off in some way.

They also mentioned a few weeks later maybe we should invite them over for dinner since they live less than an hour away. I understand from a mutual friend that the person is fairly newly single after going through a divorce.

Maybe I'm projecting, as love and rust my partner, and they've been open with me in suggesting we meet up with them together.

But...we are having a family gathering in a month or so, and were discussing the invite list tonight, and they mentioned this persons name again!

This is someone never mentioned at any of our birthdays, house warming, other family things in the past decade. And I guess if it was a full on ex maybe I'd feel in some ways less confused as presumably that would have ended more formally. The thing that slightly bothers me about this is that they've not seen them barely in many years, but also it was more a young fling before going off to different colleges, so it's not like they've really hurt each other or tried to make things work.

I'm hopefully being paranoid just because my sex drive has been low (peri arm) or something but I just find it weird to suddenly want them at an intimate family lunch party when they don't know anyone else in our gang? AITA for acting surprised by this?

OP posts:
emilysgoldskirt · 26/02/2025 01:15

No, it’s weird. Unnecessary. But then I’ve just broken up with someone who kept several such ‘friends’. It’s corrosive.

CountryTunes · 26/02/2025 01:42

It has the hall markings of an emotional affair ; they've met several times and he is enjoying her company. It doesn't help that she is newly divorced and an ex-flame. It is destructive to a healthy relationship. I left my DH because he thought he could have me as a dear wife and her as a dear friend...for me it was a no.

Original poster
otm · 26/02/2025 03:14

Thank you both, I was so worried I was being paranoid. It's just upset me quite a bit, after ten years together, and never having been in this situation before. A mutual friend knows DH and her as they were all at high school together. I mentioned her in passing and she said they'd been good friends for a bit as both played music and had shared interests. But that it was like a brief summer fling then both went to college and she doesn't remember either having been that upset over it, but for me I guess it's making me anxious precisely because it sounds more like potential and so on.

The only other thing is also just feel DH is stalling a bit over engagement. She's a bit younger than me like him, and even my friend said she was very attractive. There is a side of my hoping that maybe he's just genuinely friends and maybe her marriage meant she lost touch with people and so on, but ....

I've not said anything to him directly only expressed surprise when he said her name as I genuinely didn't know how he was talking about at first. All our other friends we've had for years, and even though some of them are people we hang out with more as individuals (including a few single/opposite gender friendships), I dunno....we've never met any of our other "exes"...

I might have to say something as really bothering me the thought of her being in our home and with family just because i just keep wondering why he's suddenly back in contact with her. I believe it was that way around :-/

OP posts:
CountryTunes · 26/02/2025 08:14

otm · 26/02/2025 03:14

Thank you both, I was so worried I was being paranoid. It's just upset me quite a bit, after ten years together, and never having been in this situation before. A mutual friend knows DH and her as they were all at high school together. I mentioned her in passing and she said they'd been good friends for a bit as both played music and had shared interests. But that it was like a brief summer fling then both went to college and she doesn't remember either having been that upset over it, but for me I guess it's making me anxious precisely because it sounds more like potential and so on.

The only other thing is also just feel DH is stalling a bit over engagement. She's a bit younger than me like him, and even my friend said she was very attractive. There is a side of my hoping that maybe he's just genuinely friends and maybe her marriage meant she lost touch with people and so on, but ....

I've not said anything to him directly only expressed surprise when he said her name as I genuinely didn't know how he was talking about at first. All our other friends we've had for years, and even though some of them are people we hang out with more as individuals (including a few single/opposite gender friendships), I dunno....we've never met any of our other "exes"...

I might have to say something as really bothering me the thought of her being in our home and with family just because i just keep wondering why he's suddenly back in contact with her. I believe it was that way around :-/

I'm not sure of the best way to approach this. If he is confronted you may get the "we are just friends" and the gaslighting may start i.e " you're too jealous" " you're too insecure" "nothing is wrong with having female friends". You will start to question yourself. Don't fall for the manipulation. Nothing is wrong with having female friends but lets be real, something is amiss if it's an attractive ex gf who has recently got divorced. This is a huge red flag. He is trying to have his cake and eat it.

Maybe quietly observe the situation and think about what your options are. You can either a) accept his friendship and turn a blind eye for the sake of the kids and financial stability or b) confront and give him an ultimatum.

Either way, you're not going to be able to stop it espescially if he is in limerence.

mrsmagooandtheblueshoe · 26/02/2025 08:48

How do you feel about your relationship as a whole? You mention dragging his feet with an engagement- and 10 years certainly does seem to be a long time. Are you concerned about his commitment more broadly? Have there ever been any other red flags or behaviours that have concerned you? Or is this totally out of the blue?

If he continues to say he's going to see her, I think you do need a conversation if that's making you uncomfortable. It sounds like your gut is telling you something feels off - and I think you're right. The big alarm bell for me would be he contacted her, hot on the heels of a divorce. What's his motive there?

You could approach the conversation with 'i've heard you mention Barbabra a few times. I'm surprised you got back in touch with her given your history. Where do you see that friendship heading?'
If he's dismissive, you could say you're feeling a bit insecure/ concerned and worried that boundaries might 'unintentionally' get pushed. And ask to meet her but perhaps say you feel a bit uncomfortable doing that in at a family event.
Trust your gut here.

Showmethewaytogo · 26/02/2025 09:01

Yes I think the fact he is "stalling" over your engagement and he is only " open" to marriage whilst you are keen is very much connected to him reigniting his connection with this newly single and, presumably, now available woman from his past.
After 10 years he isn't showing signs of commitment to you. I'm sorry OP he is showing signs that he is looking for an out from your trelationship.

TwistedWonder · 26/02/2025 09:02

Hmm this does sound like he’s got mentionitis regarding her and that’s often a red flag that there’s something more going on.

soarklyknobs · 26/02/2025 09:07

To put it simply; if he wanted to be engaged to you he would be.

If he wanted to be married to you he would be.

If he wanted to improve your faltering sex life, he would be working on that.

If he wanted to spend more time and energy on an ex fling, he would be walking with her, coffee-ing with her and inviting her to family gatherings etc.

Which one of the above is he actually doing?

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