Opinions on the Surrended Wife book

HamSpray · 25/02/2025 17:13

I’d be more worried about whatever it was that you were reading or browsing that made the algorithm suggest it to you, and whatever weird impulse that made you buy it. I mean, it does exactly what the title says. It’s a textbook encouraging women to cede any form of agency.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/02/2025 17:14

OopsyDaisie · 25/02/2025 17:06

I've just started trading this book after seeing it recommended and teafung great reviews on Amazon.
It is making me want to puke and cry at the same time!!! It's like being taken back to the 50s with the smiling wife saying "year dear" "whatever you want dear" ...
I'm hoping it takes a turn and gets better? Anyone has read it, can you please tell me it does?

It doesn't get better.

I read it years ago out of curiosity because I had a friend who went down that rabbit hole and I wanted to understand. I didn't, and we went our separate ways. I have heard on the grapevine that she subsequently got divorced, so I'm assuming it didn't work out for her!!

saveforthat · 25/02/2025 17:15

If it's the same one I read (many, many years ago), it's just pushing the type of lifestyle where the man is in charge. The theory is leave everything to him and you are giving up the mental load of having to arrange anything. It's a load of bollocks.

Maitri108 · 25/02/2025 17:16

I haven't read it but know of it. I think it's along the lines of the trad wife movement.

alexdgr8 · 25/02/2025 17:16

What did you expect OP ?
It does what it says on the tin.

Uricon2 · 25/02/2025 17:18

From what I gather (I read some of it years ago out of curiosity) it's a toxic mix of subjugation and manipulation, both of which have no place in a healthy relationship.

heldinadream · 25/02/2025 17:21

@OopsyDaisie what were you expecting? What did the 'great reviews' claim are the merits of this retrograde, poisonous, garbage?

fromthevault · 25/02/2025 17:24

There's a poster on here who has recommended it on the relationahip threads before now. Very odd.

It's regressive, misogynistic, christian fundamentalist bullshit.

HamSpray · 25/02/2025 17:25

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 25/02/2025 17:14

It doesn't get better.

I read it years ago out of curiosity because I had a friend who went down that rabbit hole and I wanted to understand. I didn't, and we went our separate ways. I have heard on the grapevine that she subsequently got divorced, so I'm assuming it didn't work out for her!!

Show quote history

It suggests a woman in a gingham dress following her DH around saying ‘Take control of our finances, o wise and manly one! Then bend me over the sofa and take me in your manly way!’ and him saying ‘Look, I just bankrupted a business and I’ve got a headache…?’

Original poster

OopsyDaisie · 25/02/2025 19:13

I don't know what I was expecting...
I can be a bit controlling so I thought it was about "letting go" of control or of decisions on situations that don't directly concern me (Or the family/kids), how to delegate the load of the household and family...
For example I can see that if my DH tells me "I want ti buy a Xmas gift for this friend" I could bite my tongue and refrain from telling him "we're short on cash this month, maybe you shouldn't or 'don't go overboard'", and instead trust him to spend wiselyand just say "ok dear (because I know DH is not an overspender, mind you...) But another example was the H saying the car brakes were bad and he says he is taking it to tha garage next week. That the W should never say "but brakes not working is really dangerous, we can't drive the car like that. If you're too busy to take it straight away I'll do that", but just agree that "H knows what he is doing"??? I mean WTF????

OP posts:

Original poster

OopsyDaisie · 25/02/2025 19:18

heldinadream · 25/02/2025 17:21

@OopsyDaisie what were you expecting? What did the 'great reviews' claim are the merits of this retrograde, poisonous, garbage?

the great reviews were on Amazon, people saying how it helped them let go of control and start seeing more the good side of their H etc... that it needs to be taken with a pinch of salt like most self-help books but was very insightful...
I was a fool, £7.90 in the bin LOL

OP posts:

WrylyAmused · 26/02/2025 02:33

Agree with every other poster, it's bollocks.

You might like "Fuck it therapy" by Mark Manson for the kind of vibe you're looking for.

beachcitygirl · 26/02/2025 03:31

I've just read the life changing magic of never giving a fuck . Buy and read this instead

Winterscoming77 · 26/02/2025 05:15

I found it so illuminating and know when I do complain, criticise and control (or attempt to) my DH our intimacy drops and when I do focus on my own self care; happiness and leave most decisions to him our intimacy improves.

Most people can’t see past the title or the Christian parts. I was so shocked at the finance part. It goes against so much that we’ve sort of fought for over the years. But really who loves worrying about paying bills or managing finances really. I think it obviously helps if you’ve got a great DH and want to have a more relaxed relationship rather than you’re in a terrible one with a horrible man.

The principles make sense but you have to practice them to see the power of them not just read about them. So one of them is saying ‘whatever you think’ when they’re asking your advice and when I say this it’s so relaxing not to have to try and solve the problem or answer the question sounds silly but give it a try.

The whole first principle is about making time for yourself and not being a martyr then complaining about it. Which I think is sound advice for all of us.

I would say try some of the principles rather than be automatically offended by it. Listen to her podcast and hear some real life examples.

I recognised myself a lot in some of the early examples in the book which was pretty triggering but it’s worth reading on and trying some of it out. I couldn’t do the finance part though that’s a work in progress!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 26/02/2025 05:31

Really ? I am nearly 50 and have earnt my own money and had bodily autonomy for 33 years- is any one seriously suggesting binning that off ? No relationship is worth that.

Original poster

OopsyDaisie · 26/02/2025 06:20

This is what I thiught the book would be like (ok forget the finance part, that's crazy and o would NEVER give up with right to funantial independence). But I'm not findingbit to be like that at all! It's making my jaw drop at the ridiculous suggestions and concepts:
when I do complain, criticise and control (or attempt to) my DH our intimacy drops
But she specifically says even when you know something isn't right right or when you would prefer o DP something else (example of a holiday destination), or when you completely dusgaree with him, you STILL don't give your opinion! himthey are the times when you especially need to surrender. Ti me thisbis ubthinkable! I am an pwraon with thoughs and opinions!

when I do focus on my own self care; happiness and leave most decisions to him our intimacy improves.
Of course this is true. But she says if you work full time and manage a family, go part time, so you have time for self-care! Really???!!

I wish the book was in line with what you post describes and that's what I thought it would turn into, bit I'm on chapter 5 and I want to burn it!

OP posts:

Blobbitymacblob · 26/02/2025 06:23

HamSpray · 25/02/2025 17:13

I’d be more worried about whatever it was that you were reading or browsing that made the algorithm suggest it to you, and whatever weird impulse that made you buy it. I mean, it does exactly what the title says. It’s a textbook encouraging women to cede any form of agency.

I’d be taking a closer look at some of the feeds you’re following if this is where your algorithm is taking you.

A disproportionate amount of women from fundamentalist religions are content creators and seemingly innocuous stuff about mothering, marriage, perfect homes, perfect faces, home making, etc is rooted in philosophies that we would have difficulty with in Europe. You’d probably shut the door on a couple of Mormon missionary men, but we listen and look at the women’s more subtle but absolutely insidious messaging.

And I’m struggling with how daft I sound writing this, but it’s been a huge eye opener to me to understand how the philosophies that underpin high control fundamentalist Christian religions are permeating the online space.

We talk about the pressure of seeing perfect lives, perfect houses, impossible beauty standards as a problem with social media. But if you look into the teachings of churches in middle America, that pressure has always underpinned the patriarchal
power dynamic.

I’d highly recommend listening to any of the interviews Tia Levings gave during her book release, if you are interested at all in the trad wife movement, or concerned at the direction of US politics.

MissHollysDolly · 26/02/2025 06:29

So I will buck the trend (sort of!!) here.
I read it when it came out as there was a whole load of noise about it.
Whilst I don't apply the principles in my marriage (because I'm it a stepford wife), I actually found "surrendering" a really useful concept more generally in my life.
The way I did it is I "don't sweat the small stuff". If something matters to me of course I will advocate for I t. But other stuff - it's "yes dear" and then I don't engage if I don't want to. So to give an example - on hols last week and DH and DC wanted to go to an awful sounding theme park. Fine, I let them get on with it and had a nice day to myself.

StMarie4me · 26/02/2025 06:33

MissHollysDolly · 26/02/2025 06:29

So I will buck the trend (sort of!!) here.
I read it when it came out as there was a whole load of noise about it.
Whilst I don't apply the principles in my marriage (because I'm it a stepford wife), I actually found "surrendering" a really useful concept more generally in my life.
The way I did it is I "don't sweat the small stuff". If something matters to me of course I will advocate for I t. But other stuff - it's "yes dear" and then I don't engage if I don't want to. So to give an example - on hols last week and DH and DC wanted to go to an awful sounding theme park. Fine, I let them get on with it and had a nice day to myself.

How is that anywhere near the principles of that book?! You simply saw the opportunity and made a choice that suited you. Why dress it up as anything else?

My sons would loathe a "yes dear" wife.

Upstartled · 26/02/2025 06:35

I'm not being funny op, I have never read the book, but from the title alone, I'd pretty accurately assess it isn't going to be real big on person hood when it comes to women.

Upstartled · 26/02/2025 06:37

I mean, there's probably a lot I might accuse it of from what you have detailed but false advertising isn't one.

TheaBrandt1 · 26/02/2025 06:39

I don’t get why men want this? Who wants to be the one who makes all the decisions then it’s your fault if you cock up? Surely most normal successful marriages are a team who work together for best of the family - it’s been proved companies with mixed sex boards do the best.

Upstartled · 26/02/2025 06:48

II'm not sure the people working at board level are great examples of typical men and women that allows for easy extrapolation to their respective sexes at large but I do agree, I don't know if there is any evidence that men do actually want this or if it is a strategy that is as equally deleterious to both parties in the relationship.

Is sounds like kink dressed up as lifestyle to me but 🤷🏼‍♀️

BlondiePortz · 26/02/2025 06:51

Winterscoming77 · 26/02/2025 05:15

I found it so illuminating and know when I do complain, criticise and control (or attempt to) my DH our intimacy drops and when I do focus on my own self care; happiness and leave most decisions to him our intimacy improves.

Most people can’t see past the title or the Christian parts. I was so shocked at the finance part. It goes against so much that we’ve sort of fought for over the years. But really who loves worrying about paying bills or managing finances really. I think it obviously helps if you’ve got a great DH and want to have a more relaxed relationship rather than you’re in a terrible one with a horrible man.

The principles make sense but you have to practice them to see the power of them not just read about them. So one of them is saying ‘whatever you think’ when they’re asking your advice and when I say this it’s so relaxing not to have to try and solve the problem or answer the question sounds silly but give it a try.

The whole first principle is about making time for yourself and not being a martyr then complaining about it. Which I think is sound advice for all of us.

I would say try some of the principles rather than be automatically offended by it. Listen to her podcast and hear some real life examples.

I recognised myself a lot in some of the early examples in the book which was pretty triggering but it’s worth reading on and trying some of it out. I couldn’t do the finance part though that’s a work in progress!

So reverse it, if it works for you (or any female) to surrender to a man it would work just as successfully the other way round?

category12 · 26/02/2025 06:51

So one of them is saying ‘whatever you think’ when they’re asking your advice and when I say this it’s so relaxing not to have to try and solve the problem or answer the question sounds silly but give it a try.

But what if he's actually asking your advice and wants your input? That just seems to be assuming he never needs help or another viewpoint.

And isn’t it just a bit emotionally/intellectually lazy to opt out of a conversation like that?