My current relationship

[Adviceformee]

I am with someone who I love and care about so deeply we’ve been together for a couple years with a gap in the middle as he needed to work through some things

but it’s now been a few months and he’s very much showing some of the same signs against

hes a heavy drinker, he was trying to cut it out in the week which he has mostly but still some slip ups in the week causing him to be late or miss work

when he drinks he can get into fights.

he’s quite hot headed and up and down. So it does leave me a bit un settled.

He’s moved into his own place but not really looking after it that well as he’s so overwhelmed with life I think

he’s going through some therapy at the moment and the therapist says he may have BPD

he says he loves me and never felt this way about anyone before, he can be himself and sees a future etc but it’s just the drinking personality I find hard to trust

What are your thoughts? Should he have admitted he’s not ready and maybe just wanted the support and company back in his life

im not his mother and im not helping him much at all with this stage of his life

Having been married to someone like this my advice is to walk away. This will never get better so you will walk away eventually. So don't waste your time on him.

I could absolutely NOT be with someone that regularly gets into physical fights and angry confrontations with people. That would be a complete deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to cope with the constant stress and the fear of him kicking off over something.

If it were me I'd tell him that and walk away. No doubt about it.

I wouldn't walk away - I'd run!

Walk away

I think he is a bag of trouble and not good enough for you to trust and feel safe with. I think you can do better, either a stress free life on your own or a better relationship. This guy is going to waste your time - he is a 'buyer beware' - you can have him if you really want, but will you be happy with what you chose? What if you let it come to an end, wait the winter out and then start dating again and meet someone much nicer....

Walk away now whilst you still can and this time make the split a permanent one. You do not want to be associated with someone like this, someone who all too readily gets into fights as a result of alcohol. You will be looked on with a mixture of both pity and disbelief.

He is an alcoholic and you cannot rescue and or save someone like him. Only he can help his own self here and he is showing no signs whatsoever of wanting to address the root causes of his drinking. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it has never been with you either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
Did you also grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent?. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works as you are seeing. You are not responsible for him; only your own self here although you probably feel like you are very responsible for him. That state is codependency and it's doing you no favours at all. I have not even mentioned his potential BPD diagnosis but that often stems from childhood trauma as well. He is in no position to be in a relationship.

You are also not a rehab centre for some badly raised man. Stop talking to his therapist about him and seek answers as to exactly why you chose this man to be in a relationship with in the first place. Invest in you instead and read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

“He’s moved into his own place but not really looking after it that well as he’s so overwhelmed with life I think”

Not your problem. Don’t visit.

Walk away!

He may change but it's unlikely and you could face years of heartbreak. You may think you can change him but only he can do this. Alcohol is one of the most addictive drugs there is and very easily available.

Honestly I think you should walk away now.

Leave. My partner has BPD but he has spent a long time working on himself, seeking help and cutting out things that add fuel to the fire. Personally I think alcohol is one of the worst things for someone with BPD. If he isn't capable of completely cutting out the drinking, I wouldn't hold out any hope of him getting better.