Really need some support!

[Bridgeu]

I’m a single mom of 3 . I met my youngest father and got pregnant when he was in hindsight sleeping around and using me for sex
since he pressured me into a relationship after trying to convince me to get an abortion by saying he thought I would bleed out giving birth.. fast forward he became very loving and sent huge declarations of love and moved into my house. He hated my little boy and gradually became abusive towards me and him. His family were also very nasty towards me and I constantly felt compared to them and never enough. The domestic abuse only escalated from minor things like hair pulling after my baby was born.

when my little girl was born he broke down crying saying how much he loves us both and he didn’t deserve me, hysterically. I always had a suspicion he was cheating and he would become VERY angry when confronted.
I found POF notifications but when caught he wormed his way back in by acting out suicide and saying it was just because I accused him he wanted to prove how easy it would be to cheat?

the sick part is how insecure he made me feel. He called me flabby after a c sec, told me my tits were useless after struggling to breastfeed when my little boy was admitted with an emergency burn injury he caused (deemed accidental but in hindsight I am concerned it wasn’t)
he would do sick mind games before I was in a relationship with him pretending he couldn’t have kids and say how worthless that made him (knowing I’m worried about my fertility after pcos which seemed to go on it own) he would like pregnancy shoots of other women and call me “jelous of pregnant women” (we have a baby)

he would always say how he loves red hair and suggested a baby name . Turns out he was cheating on me all pregnancy and postpartum with a woman with thay name in a high rise flat dive!

when we broke up despite the fact he was abusing me he turned up mob handed with his family and tried to forcefully take our baby girl which was very scary. His sister was smirking throughout and to this day I feel intense anger and panic thinking back. Despite he was the one abusing me (when confronted about cheating he would drive dangerously and try to kill me and strangled me when he called my little boy a retard and I said something nasty in retaliation about his nieces )
he went to the police with false allegations and I had to go through an interview and wait until no further action before I could make my statement about what he put us through . I never wanted to go to the police because deep down I loved him and would feel as though I betrayed him and I wanted our family hoping he’d change.
He then filed for full costody saying I have mental health (I don’t) and saying I abused him
fast forward we are still in proceedings and he is due to appear in crown court for what he did to me.

i struggle daily with what him and his family did to me. The cheating was enough but the entire plan to destroy me and take my baby plays on my mind daily . I don’t understand the cruelty and it continues through court.
he’s been allowed to file statements saying im paranoid? Overly anxious in pregnancy; overly suspicious and saying I’m jealous of pregnant women and have deep rooted insecurities and even sent me inappropriate voice notes bragging but subtlet about cheating and other things saying I wasn’t good enough in bed (worded subtlety ) . I’ve had no complaints since lol but i just don’t understand why someone would cheat and ruin you then twist the knife .

it hurts deeply That someone could want to destroy my self esteem further when they did the most to ruin me and try to take my baby.

just any advice? Sometimes I feel incredibly insecure because of what he’s done , sometimes I miss who I thought he was and I worry if I was someone he wanted for more than just sex initially would he have still been so evil and cruel!

I also can’t comprehend how evil his family is, they all turned up as a group trying to take my baby by force, his sister held my baby and screamed “DONT TOUCH ME “ in my home without my consent , refusing to hand my baby back and smirked at my distress crying . She’s gone on to have her happy family with her partner who also was there and barges into my home and repeatedly turned up. It just feels unjust and unfair, im not envious of anyone that evil but it seems the evil get what they want.
they all support him and his cheating and abuse and think I’m the aggressor. Even tho he admitted strangling me “in self defence” to his brother in law who harrassed me Turing up trying to take our baby.
I also feel hurt by the cheating and betrayal years on, I don’t understand how court expect me to coparent with these people and I feel i can never forgive .

He’s also tried sleeping with my old bully’s from school I cried to him about, he’s very insidiously abusive and subtle
on the night he went to cheat I said “silly daddy leaving is” and through his allowed indirect contact he’s been repeatedly smirking saying silly daddy here’ and another video where he lies flat on the bed sweaty looking down and there bed bounces so it appears like he’s having sex or having a sex act performed on him. It’s all sick and I just can’t comprehend the cruelty and why sometimes I miss who I thought he was!! And why it’s so unfair his family’s seem to have their own happy families after being so evil trying to steal my baby, we had also planned to have another baby and I had a termination as it was when we first broke up and I feel so angry and hurt inside

He’s also got another girl pregnant and it hurts only because he would subtlety taunt me about my insecurity worrying if I could conceive again and saying I’m jealous of pregnant women .I just don’t understand how someone can be so deliberately cruel. He said “if something doesn’t work it’s useless “ and would imply my body was useless . He also said when we broke up nobody will want me for more than a “quick shag”
on top of that the sisters who forcefully tried to steal my baby are having babies and its all very unfair given how disgusting I was treated pregnant and postpartum

I don’t know how to stop feeling so worthless because of everything they did to me

He also claims to live in a 2 bed with his sister and her partner and children who tried to forcefully take my baby (he doesn’t) and to twist the knife applied for full custody at her address.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I escaped an abusive marriage myself so I totally understand this stage of feeling bewildered by the absolutely mad behaviour and also second guessing yourself a bit and grieving the relationship you thought you had and the person you thought you were married to etc.

Please first let me reassure you, how he treated you says nothing about you. Forget the stereotypes. And you are absolutely not worthless. This is HIS problem, he is the abuser, let him carry any shame, you can walk with your head held high and be SO PROUD of yourself knowing that you are a strong woman who was able to extricate herself and her child from an abusive relationship.

You have changed your child’s path in life immeasurably for the better by making no this decision, you’re a great mum. You’ve potentially saved your own life as well. Strangling is a significant predictor of femicide in domestic abuse (and a man does not strangle someone in self-defence, it’s honestly a good omen for your court cases that he’s stupid enough to choose that as his defence and admit openly to another person that he did it - oh yeah I also don’t see the court okaying your child staying with him his sister and spouse and their 2 children in a 2 bed house TBH, that is overcrowding for sure). Anyway you deserve serious props for getting out, it’s so much psychologically harder to get out of an abusive relationship than people realise, particularly after you’ve had kids together etc which is often when it ramps up (or at least in pregnancy, that’s absolutely classical timing) - because he knows that makes it a million times harder to get away.

Yes, he would definitely be this evil and cruel with any other woman who did not spot the red flags early enough to leave this man immediately (or was willing to accept them). IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S HIM. Everything he has done is pretty much by the abuser playbook (I genuinely think there must be internet manual somewhere as they all pull the same tired old moves honestly once you’re aware this “playbook” exists. I really recommend the Freedom Programme if you are in the U.K., and the book it’s based on, it really helped me make some sense of the whirlwind of chaos I felt in the middle of (one of their tactics IS “crazymaking”, they deliberately try to disorientate you psychologically and make you second guess yourself this way).

The reason for his current mystifying behaviour is that he is still trying (with some success unfortunately from what you say) to exert psychological control over you, to make you think you’re worthless and no man will ever want you etc etc. He is basically trying to “punish” you for leaving at this point. How dare you defy him?!

The key to stopping this is to genuinely get to a place where you don’t rise to his jabs (and try to limit his potential to jab you in the first place), and do not give a shit who he is sleeping with or whatever, because you have your own full life. Look up “grey rock” technique for dealing with narcissists (which he very likely is as well as being abusive). It’s really hard and I definitely went through a very angry stage as part of grief for the relationship I never actually had, but as they say, the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Aim for indifference! I ultimately chose to forgive my ex for my own sake, because honestly I do believe that I forgiveness can wind up causing you to feel bitter and punish your own self further (I read somewhere that choosing not to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - or something! - and there is some truth to this) but that doesn’t mean I will forget what he did to me. And it definitely took me some time to genuinely feel forgiveness towards him.

I’m sorry for how rubbish the court process is, unfortunately I don’t think the family courts understand domestic abuse dynamics properly at all. It’s improving but at a glacial pace. Like you I cannot fathom how they think a man like this is a “good enough” father but it’s (in my opinion) a current quirk of the U.K. family courts that unless there is in your face evidence of very serious physical or sexual abuse it’s very unlikely that they’d deny him at least some “custody” time with his child, because they are very into the mantra of “children need both parents and fathers have rights (not a lot spoken about mother’s rights at any point) and don’t really understand how abusive dynamics play out. You do have a criminal case ongoing from the sound of it so that will bolster your case if they come down in your favour. Take my advice and record all the evidence, every nasty note, text message, video, and including writing down any verbal threats or other forms of attempts at coercive control in a diary word for word. It may help you when it comes to court.

Do you have a non molestation order currently? If not you should look into getting one (ask police/solicitor). I hope your child is still with you and his family weren’t successful at taking her away from you? And that you have a good solicitor well versed in dealing with domestic abuse cases. I would recommend you seek some talking therapy as well while these court processes are ongoing to help support you emotionally and build confidence again, it’s extremely stressful. And do Freedom Programme like I said.

You’ve done the right thing. Don’t let him take up any more space in your mind or heart or life now. Really. Live your life. Don’t let him “win” the psychological warfare he is inflicting on you.

The worst part of it is that I tried to leave several times and he would manipulate me back by starting to take our baby off me putting her in her car seat so I’d beg for him not to leave or he would act out suicide when caught cheating. My then 7yo daughter walked in on him once when asked to leave with a belt around his neck (he was absolutely fine acting dead) which scared the life out of me . On the day we ended he was the one that left me after I said it’s over and he drove aggressively and went yeah it is this time and then hit me in the car and said I’m worthless and dropped me off at my mums while he collected his stuff ( he stole all our babies belongings and her pram and some of my things too)

so I feel I can’t even say I had the strength to leave cause initially I begged for him back panicking about him trying to take my baby off me through court which he always threatened.

he’s recently added me on Snapchat and always views my stories despite bail conditions in place ?? Told not a breach as no message !! He pushes boundaries as much as he can

luckily my family turned up when they tried to take my baby and threatened to call the police , which they started getting agitated at shouting “oh so she wants police involved now?” And eventually handed my baby back.

which makes no sense as they were trying to take her saying it was for safeguarding as I’m “mental”- surely if this was the case police would help their case!
his sister also barged all around my house filming bedrooms which were a bit messy to show the police to make me seem a bad mom . Police described as no concerns plenty toys and clothes house messy (I don’t think it was messy at all tbh but he was making his false allegations and fell for his crocodile tears in my opinion) also he lived there at the time so why is it all my responsibility how tidy the house is ?!!

he always said I was an amazing mom on a huge post after baby was born so it’s shocking he decided to cheat on me then come up with this plan to take her from me.

the problem is he’s made malicious allegations too so court have to seem impartial and a judge said “if findings made against mother it will effect her children’s care and baby might change residence “ . Which scares the life out of me as cafcass and ss have already reported how baby is safe and doing well with me!!

injust don’t understand why he wants to hurt me so much, and how cruel his family are. I found out lots of historic criminal information about the family and how they defrauded and stole £400,000 and committed will fraud £1.5 mil for a vulnerable dying widow and recent news case about animal cruelty at their farm.

it hurts knowing he may treat another girl nicer and how he made me feel me and my children were never enough and how he’s called me deep rooted insecurities and jelous of pregnant women and have no friends and all my family hate me ( I haven’t got the best relationship w them as divorced parents always chose new partners over me and he manipulated them and would turn up crying ) I told my dad bits about his dangerous driving and how scared I was and he would snap back on the phone. “Why are you calling me it’s your relationship “. Wheee as his family is incestously close knit. So it hurts a lot knowing they’ll blindly support him

how do I deal with him getting girls pregnant after he abused me so badly? I love my daughter so much so I feel just confused and messy emotionally because of this entire ordeal . Il never get out of my head them storming my home while my children were in bed and snatching my daughter from her cot and then out of my ex partners arms and screaming at me not to come near (she was covertly recordings and trying to make it appear like I assaulted her but was stood 1m away and she’s never made an allegation because of how ridiculously fake the recording sounds and my family as witness)

just struggling with the cruelty of it all, he cheated to top it off and that hurts me knowing he knows what he was doing while abusing me and still tried to forcibly take her :( x

It all sounds extremely traumatic and you’re clearly still processing what’s happened. I would definitely reach out for some formal psychological support at this very stressful time for you especially if you don’t have supportive friends and family around. And please get int touch with the Freedom Programme, it will really help you make sense of all this. It can feel very confusing. Don’t feel bad about having been manipulated back in to the relationship before. On average it takes people 7 attempts to leave before they successfully managed it. You did tell him it was over so I’d say you instigated it but in some ways it’s a moot point now.

in terms of how you can recover, block him on everything as much as possible, don’t be tempted to look at his social media either, and don’t engage with him about anything not strictly related to childcare or court stuff if you don’t have a solicitor to go through etc. Literally just cut him out of your life now and try not to focus so much on what he is doing and saying, and more on your own life, as otherwise you are still letting him take up space in your head rent-free. It’s very hard at first and distraction is probably the best technique. Watch a TV programme you like instead, read a book, do an exercise class, bake/cook, craft, whatever floats your boat, think about what hobbies etc you’d like to pursue now you are more free.

Try not to worry too much about court, yes family court is terrifying when abusive men make counter allegations which they almost always do by the way (it’s called DARVO, another technique of theirs and unfortunately one they too often fall for), it sounds like he’s already made some very stupid mistakes in how he’s handled things which may come back to bite him. It also sounds like S/S and CAFCASS are supportive of you which is crucial really. But yes it’s extremely stressful. If you speak to your local domestic abuse charities they may be able to give you an advocate to help emotionally support you around court cases.

And yes he is very cruel and very scary and manipulative from the sound of it. In some ways you don’t have to understand the behaviour fully to be able to deal with it (grey rocking and total indifference is the aim) but the Freedom Programme really unlocked something for me in terms of understanding (I think the book it’s based on is literally called Why Does He Do That? You’re reporting all the confused turmoil of thoughts we all have at this stage of things, it takes a while to come out of the fog of confusion and put it all together properly.

But yeah it’s awful and really unfair that you’re living with so many negative consequences when he is the one at fault. I actually think domestic abuse charities should be focussing more on supporting people once they leave an abusive relationship, because this is the highest risk time for problems and we all know that in fact the problems do not stop there especially if you have kids together and he just moves on to use the family court system to control you instead. I think they’d like to offer more support at this stage of things (and maybe do in certain pockets) but it’s a funding issue.

Yeah I completely agree, they were amazing at the start but as soon as I was deemed safe (non mol in place nail and no contact from him and not returning to the relationship ) they said were no longer needed and left. I feel I need support now more, I got referred to councilling but didn’t find it helpful as I find it beneficial to have an outsiders opinion on what went on and trying to make sense of it and realising it wasn’t my fault. But the councillor was almost impartial and just kind of listened and said oh I can understand why you feel that way etc which in my view just felt like I’d be better of talking to a family member or stranger who could have a bit more input

i think my main issue is I desperately wanted a family, get upset I’ve lost that and he cheated and wonder if the other woman caused all of this almost or if he loved her that’s why? Or why I deserved to be treated so bad . Self esteems rock bottom and his words still replay in my mind, it wasn’t just him but his family would bully me about my weight, appearance and the fact I’m high functioning autistic and call me a retard and my little boy who is too. I reacted badly in messages so court almost sees me as just as bad when they can’t see the psychological abuse and that I was reacting to a very cruel situation x