My Mum rules my life!!!!........

[JammyK]

Hi. I really need to write this thread as I am so annoyed at the moment. I live 200+ miles away from my family and yet my Mum still rules my life.

I had to move out of home when I was 18 as we just didn't get on and I was so fed up with her judging me and telling me what to do all the time. She has really bad moods and can turn things around to make everything someone else's fault in a second.

I didn't have much contact with her for a few years. Then I fell pregnant and I have to say she was really supportive and we grew a lot closer together. But since then I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells when I speak to her. There's certain things you can't mention and she can totally flip at the smallest thing.

I moved away from my home town 2yrs ago due to dhs job. She visits all the time. We have a small 2 bedroom house, and 2 children. She tells me what to do on the phone and still bosses me around like I'm 12! I always have to go along with everything she wants or else I know there'll be another big bust up. What do I do? Sometimes I just feel like ignoring her calls and getting her out of my life once and for all but then she's not all bad. Oh, help?!

I have tried to talk to her about the way she is with me but that resulted in 2wks of not talking to me and several other members of the family getting involved telling me I should be grateful that she takes such an interest!! Dh is just fed up with the whole situation. He's away at the moment, but he's expecting it be sorted once he comes home!!

The key sentence in your post "I always have to go along with everything she wants or else I know...."

Most mums want to have input into their daughters' lives- that is natural. Some overstep the mark. I am in my 50s but still come in for criticism from my Mum!!

You are an adult and you need to lay down some ground rules.
If she sulks, then so be it- don't give in to what is emotional bullying. So what if she doesn't contact you for 2 weeks or more after a bust up? And I bet you made the peace!

Quite frankly, it sounds as if she has you where she wants you- round her little finger.

She is behaving like a child- so you have to behave like the adult. Say what you want-I suggest you take the lead and tell her you want to talk to her, and say exactly what you have said here, but keep it calm and friendly.

• no turning up unannounced. (how does she do that if you are 200 miles away? What if she came and you were out? Has she a key?)

• stand your ground and don't let her "flip" - be calm but assertive.

Basically your mum feel rejected and needs to feel she still controls you and that you need her. But there are limits. You have to define those limits and stick to your guns.

I was going to suggest you move away but you have!

Have you an answering machine? Start leaving it on and screening calls. if you don't feel like picking up the phone to her, then don't. Call her back when it suits you.

If she says she's coming to visit, make up a reason why she can't. Obviously I don't mean not let her visit at all but when it suits you...

Stately homes thread for adult children from abusive families

We have all separated or divorced or are dealing with our families...most of us in therapy...just drop a post on...you don't have to read all the thread first or comment on other posts

Your Mother is a toxic individual and think she has always been so. Its not your fault she is like this.

The Stately Homes thread that ally90 has highlighted would be a good place for you to start.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point.
It will also give you some insight into how and why such people behave as they do.

Your Dh's wish for all this to be sorted out by the time he gets home is a triumph of hope over experience - its not going to happen frankly. What he needs to do is support you in standing up to your Mum and perhaps even read that book as well.

You have tried reasoning with your Mother and not surprisingly it has not worked. Toxic people cannot be reasoned with - these people are incapable of understanding boundaries and being respectful towards others.

I would argue as well that your Mum became supportive of you in your pg only and primarily because she felt you needed her. She is likely thinking that you are somehow "incapable" of managing a home and children without her "assistance".

Is your Mum with her husband - I only ask as there is no mention of him in your post. What's his role?. Some men play the "bystander" role to such toxic women in that they know full well what is happening but do nothing to prevent it.

Thank you all for your advice.

My Mum is still married to my Dad though only God knows how. He is quite a quiet person and in most situations just goes along with my Mum for an easy life. So yes I suppose you could call him a bystander. When I was young he worked a lot and I don't know if he was aware of how she was with me. He was very ill a few years ago and since then hasn't been able to work. He definitely understands now but says nothing.

I will definitely read that book. I will also have a look at the stately homes thread. Thanks.

I feel sorry for dh as he has had to put up with this as much as I have. He just wants to get my Mum out of our lives. I think one of his main worries is that she will have such control over our children. They have a good relationship with her at the moment but I wouldn't want them to go through what I have been through with her.

I am 40 and my mother was the same. I HATED her when she was so controlling yet it was never on a bad enough scale to end the realationship, and she , like yours, had a lovely supportive selfless side.

However things seemed to be getting worse as the kids got older, trying to take over, undermine me etc. I am single parent so I think she was trying to be the other parent, but over me, not with me. The kids have a dad wwho they see regularly but she was still trying to parent!

In the end I told her off for trying to take over, the kids got upset and were crying and she still sulked and stormed off. We have not spoken since and the relief is immense.

Looking back, like you I was torn-on the one had she had a lot of good points, on the other I used to wish she was out of my life.

Have to say that now she is out of my life, I don't miss her. I just miss having a mum like a mum should be and have vowed to be better than she was with my own

My dad is like yours too, hates getting involved and wants an easy lfe...we visit him when she is out and he is coming on holiday with us this year. I feel sorry for dad but things are calm now and she is hardly mentioned. It suits us all.

When you said this "Sometimes I just feel like ignoring her calls and getting her out of my life once and for all but then she's not all bad. Oh, help?!" this really struck a cord with me. this was how i used to feel. it was like being smothered at times, even when she was not there I used to think 'what would she think of this' when something happened. Now I do what I want without thinking of her approval/diapproval, and I tell you, life is so much easier...I feel free tbh.

hls, I did what you suggest which is tell her straight. She has not spoken to me or the dc since and that was nearly a year ago! Unbelievable eh?

unbelievable yes,but it's her loss . She is proud,silly woman!

lovedogsandcats, it sounds like we have very similar experiences with our mothers. I think it's great that you can still spend time with your Dad. I know that if I decided to get my Mum out of my life that would be it for me. I wouldn't have any family as I'm certain she would make sure that they are all loyal to her. That's what makes it so difficult for me. She's a very controlling and manipulative woman when she wants to be, not just with me but the whole family.

I don't know why but I go along with everything she says. If she expresses an opinion and I don't agree I won't tell her. Instead I think it over in my head and before I realise whats happened I'm agreeing with her. It's ridiculous. Last year dh and I were thinking of taking the kids to Disneyland, Paris for a few days. I stupidly told her and that was it, she went on and on about how we don't want to go there. You can't guarantee the weather, the children are too young, it'll take ages on the ferry etc etc. All of a sudden I changed my mind and told dh I didn't want to go there, he was so cross with me. Then a few wks later she said that we'll all go next year when she can come as well!!

She always phrases things like that, "you want to do this", "you don't want to do that", "you want to get one of those", "you don't want to go there". Surely I should know what I want better than she does. I am having such difficulty in standing up to her. If she wasn't in my life I'm not sure if I could manage. Did you feel this way? When you say that you are happier it makes me determined to keep er at more of a distance but I don't know if its the right thing.

Is your mother a female version of this?

Harry Enfield

It is hard to stand up to someone who has been telling you what to think for all your life. You will never have emotionally/interletually (sp!) separated from her or found your own opinions and held too them...because you've never had an opportunity...I think its called 'defining your sense of self' who you are, your set of beliefs. Until you start to define yourself, you will find yourself falling in with her beliefs with none of your own to hold to. More distance from her is a good thing, councelling is another, self help books to work through.

My experience in my family was my father and sister held my belief system, what they said I believed in/agreed with. Separating from them has helped me shape my own beliefs and separate out what I want from life...I thought I wanted to be an interlectual (even though I can't spell interlectual )with a degree etc...but I found I only wanted that to gain their approval (after seeking it and failing to get it all my life).

I'm sure you could manage without her in your life...give it a try...find some support, councelling, friends, post on stately homes...maybe read 'Toxic Parents' by susan forward...prepare yourself for it...then start cutting down on contact...a bit at a time...see how you feel...but obviously its up to you what pace you go at this, if you decide to do it.

Jammyk hi!

You say that if your mother was not in your life you could not manage. I was the complete opposite. She hardly ever cam round to our house, we always went ther, so i was used to running my own life really. But she always had an opinion when we were with her, like getting a drink for the kids in a shop-'no, you don't need a drink' er...how do you know they don't need a drink!!

I used to imagine how 'free' I would feel if i didn't have to see her again..whilst, at the same time often loving her company and always doing stuff with her/at hers at weekend. Me and the dc always spent sat and/or sun with her, shopping, sunday tea round hers etc

But I got sick of the smothering feeling that she was in control. Funny enough my brother has always stood up to her, so he doesn't get any of her controlling nonsense. I have now realised that it went on with me for so long because I let it. Difference is, when my brother tells her to shut up she doesn't fall out with him. The 2 times I have challenged her, she has fallen out with me. last time it was for about a year. This time it will be permanent because i am better without her in my life.

It sounds like your mum is moe controlling than mine because mine does not try to manipulate other family members against me. My dad says that it is af if we don't exist. She NEVER mentions me or the dc which I find so odd. But at least we can have a relationship with dad. He is very quiet and likes an easy life, which is fine by me.

i think when weighing up the pros and cons of sticking with your mum/ending it, you have to look at how much the negativity impacts on you. If your main reason for not cutting ties is because of other family members, then really she is silently manipulating and you will feel like crap knowing you have a relationship with your mother not because you want one, but because the alternative is worse?

Could you have a chat with people when she is not around and just be honest with them? Ask if they will still see you away from her if things went wrong between you and her?

What my dh does, and it works, with his mum, is to agree with whatever she wants, say yes, and then he goes and does his own thing. He has been adopting this tactic since he was 18 and he is now 47, and it answers beautifully. The fact we live in Belgium helps as well.

Just try saying yes to her advice on the phone, and then ignore it, and do what you feel is right. You are an adult with kids of your own, and are big enough to make your own decisions without reference to your mum. I may ask my mum and mil for advice, but I don't always take it unless it suits me.