I married 12 years ago in a vulnerable state, to a man with depression and addiction issues (weed). He was drinking a bottle of wine on the way to his job in a call centre, and was deeply depressed. You'll be wondering what I found attractive? He is handsome and a great musician, and I credited him with having more soul than he does. The source of his depression was that he was a former Jehovah's witness. He and his siblings had left the JWs but his parents hadn't. Their family was full of rifts. I am blessed to come from a secular, fairly wealthy family with incredibly warm and good spirited relatives. They made him feel like one of the family straight away, whereas I was always treated with suspicion by his partners and siblings. After marrying, I took on the savior role, got my partner a job teaching English, like me, and we began a world tour at his behest. Since we had married quite soon after meeting, it was around the same time that my husband asked me how many people I had slept with, and was nothing short of horrified when I told him between 20 and 30 (I was 38 years old by this point and had had a series of longer relationships with some dalliances in between, but pretty vanilla ones all said). The first time we argued after this disclosure, my partner started to verbally abuse me and referred to me as a sg, a sl, a wh* and used-up c*. He told me I was stupid, spoiled and that I had wasted all the opportunities I had been given in life. This went on for about 5 years. Every time an issue with the relationship was brought up (nearly always financial because he insisted on working part time on a low income for the last 6 years, and then leaving me to cook, wash and clean when I got home from working 50 hours a week), the name calling would start again. On several occasions he got into my phone and my computer. He insisted I throw away every photo and keep sake from my past as he claimed even knowing they existed was a terrible trigger for the disgust he felt at being stuck with someone who had had so many lovers. I grew up with a dominant and somewhat narcissistic, but entirely loveable, father, and I found myself bending over backwards to change my husband's mind about me, as he became more and more distant and started excluding me from events with his friends or family, while being ever present at any event with my family. The ongoing insults eventually put a gulf between us and we stopped sleeping together. He recently disclosed that this didn't bother him since he used porn to orgasm. He suggested we both start sharing what we were into, in an attempt to restart our intimate life. So we did, but it poisoned the relationship further, as you can imagine and now we barely even touch. I changed as a person along the way, and started to fight fire with fire. Eventually, I let him have it. I told him what a pathetic piece of s** he was. A user, a manipulator, a man child, etc. Never once did I stoop to his depths and remark on his sexuality or his appearance in a negative way. He couldn't take any criticism and refused to accept any blame for the breakdown of the marriage. He refused me kids at the beginning because he said he didn't want them to have his psychology. He refused to share costs in the relationship or to contribute towards our food bill (he just are half or more of what I brought home). He once tried to strangle me and blacked my eye another time. He tried to cut his little finger off with a carving knife once in a wild rage. He uses alcohol as a weapon if I speak out. He will charge out of the house and come home several hours later, drunk and slamming doors and muttering the usually verbal abuse under his breath. My parents have grown to love him because I have hidden everything from them. Now, when I allude to divorce, my father looks devastated and he has heart problems that I am terrified to contribute to. Every time me and my partner go on holiday (we are on one now), my partner's mood plummets because he can't get weed. Then we fall out because I find it to be an unbearable weakness, and I say this as someone who smoked it myself for many years. I am a relatively stable person these days (I've had to be) and have a good job, good relationships with family and friends, and good future prospects, but I just can't seem to get my head around a life without this man. I can't find the courage to move him on. I'm here today just looking for a bit of support and any ideas on what the hell is happening to me. For anybody who contributes, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to consider this absolute can of worms.