New days of split - how do I help my devastated child who blames me?

[Boysboys1]

Hello,
I've had a look at some threads but desperately seeking help. I am in the first few days of what could be a trial separation but could be longer term. My DH is a wonderful father but struggles with addiction and depression which has, if I'm completely honest, left me between completely emotionless to the point of appearing cold and sobbing on the floor. My children (4 and 9) have sadly witnessed some of this behaviour. It happens around once a month when DH will go out on a bender for 2-3 days and think of nobody but himself, and then feel sorry for himself and cries. My children have seen this, and the arguments and the tears. I begged time and time again for him to get help and he says he wants to and has had some professional help but it keeps happening and I kept saying 'this time is the last chance' because I want to desperately keep my family together. Now I have asked him to move out and get help. Naturally, his reaction was to get drunk for two days. But while I am now worrying about him, my eldest child is devastated. Last night was utterly heartbreaking. He is highly sensitive and very close to his dad and blames the entire situation on me. I tried to tell him he was away for a few days but he is too aware and astute (something I'm very ashamed of but we live in a small house with little outside help). He punched me, hit me, tried to smash things, tried to tape up my mouth with sellotape, swore at me and screamed and cried for his dad, told me it was all of my fault and I was breaking everyones heart and I wasn't even sad about it (I'm in shock I think) and I could barely get him to school through tears and screaming. I've just come through a life threatening illness (don't want to disclose too much) and suffer from health anxiety that it could happen again, which makes me even more fearful. I don't know anyone in this situation and I don't know what to do? I am trying to arrange as many nice things and as much normality as possible. Can I speak to my son's doctor? What is the best living arrangement. I will do anything in the world to help him but I know moving his dad back in now isn't the right thing deep down.

Too early to speak to a doctor, your son isn't ill he's expressing complicated feelings.

Hitting should be a red line, so get him something else to hit - a specific pillow for angry feelings.

Don't arrange 'nice things', arrange calm.comforting and safe things.

Say 'I understand this is all very upsetting, I promise you I do care a lot, I love you, it's ok to feel angry and upset.'

Where is your support system?
You've been through hell with your childrens father, and you're obviously and understandably feeling very vulnerable right now. Telling him to leave was incredibly brave, and probably for the best. But it's emotionally drained you.

Your children however need someone who will stay upright through all this, even through their heavy emotional reactions. Who do you have around you? Who can come to your home and be there for you and the children? Give you some time to process your own hurt, knowing your children are being taken care of.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in creating distance between your children and an addict. Your children must be your priority.

Your husband is unpredictable presence in their lives and the disappearing/ resultant arguements is going to massively affect your children's attachment style and emotional wellbeing. It's v likely the emotional outbursts your son is experiencing now are related to what he's seen the adults in his life role model so far.

I would seek professional help to address this with your kids. Helping your son name and talk about the emotions he's feeling and learning how to express those appropriately and trying to minimise the long term harms are really important.

Your OH has to sort his own shit out, don't let him drag you all down with him.

OP im really sorry you're going through this. It's never easy.

I don't know how you can approach the current situation right now but I can only share some advice for the long term. Try to avoid speaking badly of him (I'm sure you don't anyway). I experienced my own mother calling my dad useless, a drunk, telling me stories about how it made her life difficult. I sincerely wish she didn't, it made the situation very toxic and to this day I blame her for the breakdown of mine and dad's relationship. Even though there was some truth to her words, the constant 'slander' made me feel very resentful of her in my childhood.

Your 9yo clearly understands a lot. Tell him that daddy needs some time to get better. Tell him he isn't well and needs space to take care of himself. Maybe use guides like this to explain what his dad is experiencing is mental health related and that it is nobody's fault that he needs external help away from home:

www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/introduction-to-mental-health/understanding-mental-health/#:~:text=Good%20mental%20health%20means%20we,is%20difficult%20to%20cope%20with.

Oh goodness Op. This sounds hellish for you. I’m so sorry.

I agree with pp. The main focus should be on getting help and support for yourself and that will be the best thing to help your children. You need a therapist or even a friend or family member moving in to specifically support you.

Also,I haven’t been through this scenario but have raised teens and my advice would be to not let your guilt about the split, muddy the waters about boundaries of behaviour with your eldest son. Ultimately, it won’t help him to be lenient about this, even though your instincts will be to be terribly sympathetic.

It might be worth taking him out of school for a day and taking him to a park and talking to him calmly on neutral territory about how his dad is unwell, and has an addiction, and that it’s no one’s fault, and how you are doing the best you can for everyone. And that hitting and punching are totally unacceptable. He may be highly sensitive Op but he must get the message that violent behaviour will never be tolerated. And how that is not acceptable in your house.

Have a look at the PEGS UK website which has tips on child to adult violence.

Good luck op. You are battling so much atm. Please get some support for yourself.

Have just Googled and this came up:

https://nacoa.org.uk

I would try and get your dc some outside support too.

But don’t neglect support for yourself! Sell jewellery if you have to! You are the linch pin here Op and you need help. 💐

Speak to the children’s school so they are aware of the situation and can also arrange help if needed. His reaction is understandable but not acceptable.

Do get yourself some support as well https://www.turning-point.co.uk/support-we-offer/friends-and-family/drugs-and-alcohol-support

Thank you so much for your replies. Mumsnet can be a bit of an intimidating place sometimes and the support shown by strangers actually makes me want to cry. So thank you 💐