Just need to vent

[HermioneRuby1]

Just need to open up in a safe space before I loose my mind.
On Saturday in a phone call to DH I got snippy and raised my voice, he got pissed off told me to calm down and put the phone down.
I apologised immediately messaging him saying sorry I was stressing and didn't mean to take it out on you, let's not argue. He didn't respond and later that day said he was angry at me speaking to him that way and I always do it, I apologised again though admittedly said its unfair to say I always do and he too has his moments in fact prior to me doing so on the call earlier he did it also but I looked past it.

It escalated a little from there and voices were raised on both sides, he then said some really hurtful things including he could forgive it if I was a perfect wife, I am always speaking to him like shit and he called me the C word. I then said to him that wasn't necessary, really offensive and hurtful and he said he didn't care.
I have tried to talk to him since which again got heated, he said the common denominator is me and that's why he behaved that way but I honestly don't think that I am the way he's painted me however I am sorry. I said if he feels those things about me we need to discuss this seriously and think about our future, he just responded with do what you want, if you want to split do it, don't put that on me!
It's now shut down and he doesn't want to discuss anything but I don't know how to be, we're in a horrible place of just existing along side each other. I have tried to start a conversation even about mundane stuff to get him to at least speak to me on some level but that's not worked.

No one's perfect and I have my flaws but I don't feel I deserve this and it's now really upsetting me he doesn't care at all.

Last weekend we had such a lovely time together he took me out for a lovely meal for valentines and this week he can't even look at me!

I don't know how to get past this and not sure how to even behave around him I am pulling back and staying quiet until he's ready to talk but it's very difficult and isolating.

DCs are older so up in bedrooms, thank goodness for my little dog.

Your husband is abusive. He called you a Ct. That’s it. It’s over. He’s told you the truth. He expects you to be the perfect wife, (wtf even is that?) and because he doesn’t think you are, he thinks he can soeak to you like shit and stonewall you. He’s told you that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t. He’s told you that he wants to put the responsibility for ending the relationship on you. He’s told you all of this. So do it. If you can’t leave just yet, ignore him. Start planning where you will go, how you will be ok financially, see a lawyer about getting your half of the marital assets and consider what will happen with the kids. Once a man calls you names like that, it’s over. He doesn’t respect you and he’s actually the ct. He’s also using DARVO on you and making you the problem.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

Have a read of this book. You’ll see that abusers have their good days, (like your valentines meal) and aren’t abusive all the time. What are your children learning from this dynamic?

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Please take heed of what Tipsy Joker has written above because she is on the money.

The silent treatment he is now giving you is an example of emotional abuse.
He is certainly giving the DC mixed messages because he is likely speaking to them normally whilst ignoring you. He wants to punish you for committing some imaginary transgression in his head.

Abusers always blame others and you did not ever drive him to abuse you, he did that of his own accord. What do you know of his family background OP, there are clues there. Chances are one or even worse both his parents act the self same.

Ahh the classic “I won’t be the one to be seen publicly breaking up my family so I’ll make it so awful it drives her crazy and then she’ll have to do it! Then I can play the victim at the end of it all!”

I feel like that's the absolute last resort as I do want to make it right but I don't know how to get through the discomfort of not being able to talk it through like adults.
100% its learned behaviour as I know that one of his parents has done this all their married life.
Also he isn't great at showing his feelings, explaining himself or even getting vulnerable and that's always been the case (also a family trait) but it's just got infinitely worse as he's gotten older as he wasn't nearly this level before.
I am not perfect & do speak before I think, am emotional and want to talk so it's very difficult for me.
I am right though in saying normal functioning couples may have moments of disagreement or saying something in the wrong way to each other and it's dealt with fairly with apologies accepted and taking on board each other's feelings by acknowledging and accepting that they need to work on some things but they move on.

I can't seem to get across that when this happens it needs to be addressed, talked through and not be left simmering so it lasts for days.

I don't know how this will pan out it might well be the end of our marriage but I will try to get help even if it's just for me to talk to someone and take each day as it comes.

This is am adult man not a child for you to parent. Who cares why he's been abusive, who cares why he shuts you out emotionally.. these are things he needs to sort out not you. The natural consequence of his behaviour is that he ruins his marriage. You should leave him. Maybe that will make him change or maybe it won't but I can tell you that staying with him just shields him from any consequence to his behaviour and he will continue to be like this.
Is that what you want for your life? A man who expects you to put up with his emotional immaturity but won't cut you any slack if you dare to sound a bit stressed? A man who blames everything on you, refuses to do any mutual work on anything emotional, and just freezes you out until you stop bringing it up??

Get rid. Life is far too short. Do you honestly want to spend decades living on this roller coaster?
A man shouldn't have this much control over how you feel each day. Is he going to be sweet? Is he going to act like he hates you?
It's abusive and toxic.
Please please please genuinely make plans to leave him. And not just to have an effect on him.. but for you. For your future and your sense of self. Leave and don't look back. You do not have to put up with this. This is not how all men are. It's not you, it's him.

You can’t work with an abuser. They don’t want to work with you. They don’t see you as an equal partner. They won’t ever change. Counselling is not advised when abuse is involved because they abuser will just use it as another tool to abuse you with. They will use anything disclosed in therapy against you. I would advise you to get individual counselling to understand why you have accepted being treated like this, how to build your self esteem and set and maintain healthy boundaries. This won’t get better. It just won’t. Please read the book I linked. You will see your husband in there and it will be illuminating for you.

is this the environment you want your children to grow up in? Is this the learned behaviour you want to be passed down to them? Do you want them to grow up and be abused or an abuser like their father?

Yes couples can disagree but they handle it like adults and they certainly do not call each other c*ts. If my husband called me that it would be over. Immediately. And I have children. I would never have any respect for him ever again. What kind of man is so pathetic that he resorts to calling his wife a c*t?

I am so sorry but you cannot make this right short of leaving him. He will not listen to you because he is at heart abusive and thus not open nor amenable to reason. He knows how you feel and does not care.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I was not at all surprised either to see that one of his parents acts the same way too. You also need to give them a wide berth.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not further do your bit here to raise them in such an unhealthy and otherwise toxic environment because they will not thank you for doing so.

I messaged him saying whilst I take responsibility for being irritable on Saturday this needs to end and we need to talk. I tried to make sure it was heartfelt not accusatory but and ended in can we talk, do you want to sort it out?
His response book a councillor
I said ok and sent him a list of the ones available he said you choose it's your idea (I have mentioned it before)
Is it me or is he just trying to push responsibility for everything on me?

So I sent this
This is what I want to say to a councillor but the more I think about it the more I think if you can’t sit down with me and have a real honest and constructive conversation no councillor is going to change that.
Read it please. I want nothing else from you other than you to read it – when and if you want to work things out please talk to me.
I want us to find a way to handle disagreements without them turning into extended silences.
Our biggest struggle is small disagreements that can turn into days of silence. We can have disagreements about something minor, but instead of talking it through, my husband withdraws completely. I try to reach out, but it often escalates, and I feel like I’m being shut out, and it can last for days. It leaves me feeling unheard, lonely, and unsure of how to move forward and I want to find a way for us to communicate better without shutting down.
A Lot of arguments come from a disagreement from the way I respond, usually from irritability and speaking without thinking. I am aware of this and am working on it. Whilst not an excuse, menopause plays a big part in this for me in that it’s hard to fight the feelings of irritability, anxiousness or exhaustion but I genuinely am not trying to pick a fight.
This recently this happened and apologised but my apology was not accepted, and it escalated into a bigger disagreement resulting in name calling and hurtful things being said which included the C word being said towards me and you’d be "forgiven" if you were a "perfect wife," which felt unfair, unrealistic and like I was being held to an impossible standard—like I have to be perfect to be treated with kindness. That’s not what a partnership should feel like, and I don’t want us to keep hurting each other, but I also can’t keep feeling like I’m the only one who has to change. We both deserve kindness and respect, no matter what?
I am far from perfect but menopause is affecting me physically, emotionally, and mentally, and sometimes I feel alone I have tried lots of self-help and researched a little on ADHD and Menopause as I have really struggled mentally and discovered a lot of women experience menopause-related brain fog and hormone-driven ADHD-like symptoms—even women who never had attention issues before now struggle with focus, impulse control, and emotional regulation and this is me. I have tried to talk about this to explain how I am feeling but I don’t feel heard at times and feel its dismissed as “that’s normal”.
I don’t expect full understanding, but I’d like to be listened to with an open mind and know Menopause is making it harder for me to focus, remember things, and manage my emotions. It’s frustrating but if I seem scattered or snippy, it’s not because I don’t care or am being awful —it’s because my brain is struggling to keep up.
Importantly I’m working on managing everything, but I am human, and I will get irritable as does he as does everyone, but I need us to agree that name-calling or ignoring each other for days is hurtful and isn’t helping either of us.
I then got back - just book it!

So responded with no! I sent you all of that and that's all you can respond with!

Know idea what to do now tbh

You cannot reason with him. You cannot make this better. You cannot change him. This is who he is. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care about the anguish you’re in. He knows he’s causing it and he is happy about that because it gives him all the power and control and leaves you prostrate with grief, mental anguish and trauma. That’s what he wants. That’s his end game. I’m sorry to be so blunt but you need to understand that nothing will change this. It will only get worse. Counselling is a very bad idea as a couple because it’s been proven that abusers use it as a way to further manipulate their victims by using vulnerabilities exposed during sessions as weapons. Please, read the book I linked in an earlier comment. It will help you to understand his mindset and that you cannot change it. You can’t apologise enough. You can’t submit enough. You can’t be quiet enough, less demanding, more agreeable, more attentive, etc. Whatever you do he will always find a way to make you the problem. He will accept zero accountability or responsibility and you can’t make him love you or respect you. This is who he is. The nice days are just when he puts his mask on to manipulate you into staying and ensuring more of his abuse. He thrives off the power it gives him. He thinks your a C*t. He’s told you. That’s how he thinks of you and ALL women. That’s his truth. All women are c*ts.

Randomly he's just come home and said I'm booking the dog in for a groom is that ok?
Such an odd thing to do in the middle of all this!
I have no idea what to do or think or say anymore I am just emotionally drained.

He will throw these curveballs at you to keep you off balance, wondering what the fuck is going on, making you think you’re losing your mind because he’s acted normal in the middle of all of this, and leave you feel utterly emotionally bereft. That’s what they do. Read the book.

I think you need to book that counselling. You are very clear with how you are and how you feel - but I think you have no idea of what it is for him. And trying to talk in a safe place with a professional can help.

Separately - have you tried talking to your GP about managing menopause symptoms? I think the way menopause affects us is often difficult on the people around us. And while in some way - they should understand and make allowances - I'd myself have trouble with being with someone who'd blame their frequent explosions on hormones. For me - it'd be difficult to deal with explosion/apology cycle.

It is possible - that he deals with the hurt of arguments by withdrawing. And you prefer to talk it out right away. No approach is right/wrong. You are different people.

I saw a lot of marriages break up around me at the time women reach menopause. And my I know and love my friends - but they have become more difficult and inflexible in this phase. Men do also become grumpier with age - so it's not a good combination, really....

I don't know what the solution is. I do know that just throwing in a towel may feel like a quick solution. And many on MN would recommend it.

Thank you for your comments, I get where you are coming from and can see why as I have explained in my message to him a contributing factor & I am not taking away that's how I felt in this situation and I was very menopausal at the time but in fairness I do hand on heart believe it's not explosion from my side nor does it happen often but I am human as is he but I don't get angry when he is irritated I just try to understand.
Perhaps that's my issue in that I tolerate it and he does not.
I absolutely still don't believe I deserve to be treated this way or be called the C word.
I will be organising a councillor but I'm not doing it until he is willing to act like an adult.
In the meantime I'll be trying to keep my emotions in check and riding it out until he is in that place as I don't want to throw the towel in without trying to work it out first.

It is you, as the victim that should have withdrawn after being called a cunt, and him apologising. Instead it’s the other way round. I bet he felt pretty good reading your message about how upset you were.

Don’t play the game of being abused then trying to talk about the abuse while he refuses. It’s not your responsibility to smooth over his bullshit. Let there be an atmosphere. There should be after what he’s said.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

It is NOT recommended to attend counselling with an abusive partner. Go as a single person for your own issues.

In a bid to be willing one last time to try to start a conversation and work through everything I have now sent another message as I am struggling to communicate with him any other way.
I have also sourced a councillor and will be using them either with him if he is willing to do so openly or without of this is the end of the road to seek guidance to keep me sane while I navigate separation which I really feel and hope is the last resort.

I know we’re in a difficult place and I don’t want to go round in circles. I wrote the message the other day because I want us to stop hurting each other. Please try to read it again and understand where I am coming from. Counselling isn’t an option without willing to talk. If you want to i’d really appreciate an honest conversation.