No Contact with parents

[Srepmum1984]

I was low contact with my parents after a childhood and early adult hood of a alot of emotional abuse, which then started to be transferred onto my children which is when I stopped full contact 6 months ago.

I stated my reasons, was screamed at by my mother and my father told me he would always have my mothers back as she was his main priority.

Anyway, I am in therapy but I am in a really weird mindset at the moment of being happy I don't have to speak to them but also weirdly upset that they have had nothing to say about it and not reached out once even though I don't want them too (sorry if this doesn't make sense).

I think I have come to the realisation that I was constantly the one initiating contact and making all the effort, constantly trying to get validation which I never received and now I realise it was all for nothing and all my energy I wasted doing so and they never actually cared anyway.

Has anyone else been in this situation and does it get easier?

I understand completely and have been through every one of those seemingly contradictory emotions you describe.

The only perspective that I’ve found which has been truly liberating and allowed me to mainly forget about them and get on with my life, has been finally fully understanding that they never cared.

Why should I feel guilty or strange about cutting them off without a single backward glance when I know they did not care for me as much as they should have when I was little and vulnerable?

They are mean and selfish people and it’s really blissful to never be subjected to that knot in my stomach feeling when I’m around them again.

I have finally understood it was never anything I did, they were just self absorbed sub par parents, at best. Simple as that. Nothing much to see here. Good riddance.

They are not special humans by virtue of being my parents, they’re just two messed up people who had a child,and they can finally get lost.

I think there is an aspect of conditioned self harm to these types of relationships. I am NC with my mum (my only living biological family, other than my dc). But when we were still kind of LC, I would have these times when I’d get really upset about it all and lash out at her because she wasn’t more upset about everything and wasn’t responding the way I’d hoped she would to how much pain she’d caused me.

I eventually realised it was like a sort of self harm. You are so used to the chaos and dysfunction that when life is peaceful, you get the urge to poke the pain with a stick and open the wound back up. The wound was all I knew and it was familiar. It took therapy and a lot of work on myself and creating a new normal. Now peace feels normal and familiar and I have no desire to open it up.

I thought I was punishing her or trying to hold her accountable to get some answers or make her finally be the mum I needed, but really I was just hurting myself and holding myself back from moving on. So like it sort of felt like she was holding me back from moving on, but actually it was me. Once I realised I was in control, I could do something about it and take charge of my life without her, if that makes sense?

it's not that they don't care OP, they care very much.

unfortunately, what they care about is the impact to themselves.
and they're outraged that you can't see the impact your decision has had on them.

i would wager that your mum isn't contacting you because she feels like you deserve to be punished for causing them (her) such distress.

and obviously not having her in your life is the worst punishment she can imagine.

you're still labouring under the misapprehension that your mum will eventually accept that you're an individual with her own free will, rather than an extension of her.

you're doing all the right things OP - protecting yourself and your immediate family, examining yourself and your own decisions and behaviours, with outside support.

bravo OP - keep going. you'll get to a point of acceptance at some point - i hope it brings you some peace.

I totally understand.
I've been NC with my father for nearly 6 years, and although I know that if he were to initiate contact with me I'd turn him down, a part of me is still disappointed that he never tried.
I suppose it's normal though. Every child wants to know their parents love them and care about them. I couldn't imagine ever being in a situation where my child doesn't want to see me and not even try to make things right. But that's because I care more about my child than about my own ego.

Stick with the therapy. Figure out why you have this need for validation from your parents, and try to find a way to give yourself this validation. Stop needing them to make you feel worthy of existing.

Yes and yes.

I think coming to the realisation that actually my parents didn't care was a big turning point. Prior to that I felt guilty that I wasn't the daughter that they'd wanted me to be and that it was somehow my fault that they'd abused me. The fact that they were so quick to not bother once I stopped making any effort at all, showed me that they didn't really care, so why should I?