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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fallen out with my mum

6 replies

Jessistan · 25/02/2025 01:46

It’s now been 5 weeks since I’ve spoken to my mum (the longest previous to this argument was 1 week). She’s not spoken or seen me or my children or husband in this time also and made no attempt to get in touch with us. She lives very close (on the next street).

The fallout has stemmed from an argument that developed after she had told me she had shouted at and sworn at my 8 year old daughter after she had accidentally spilled a drink. After hearing this I told her a few home truths that had been building for a while and things escalated. I have always found her treatment of my children a little harsh (she speaks to them and disciplines them as she did to me and my sister when we were young) she corrects them on their table manners even if myself and my husband and sat there also. She makes no effort to come and see them or do anything with them. Yes…she helps us with child care but she makes it quite clear that this is a massive inconvenience for her and she would rather not. She never invites us round to her house despite me having her round most weekends for Sunday dinner - when I asked her why she simply replied ‘I can’t be bothered’. It makes me feel so sad that she has turned into this sort of person, I had a lovely childhood growing up and I love my mum but I really don’t like her very much at the moment. The argument ended when she put the phone down on me. I haven’t heard from her since and the longer this goes on the harder I’m finding it to even want to reconcile with her. What kind of a mother/nanny chooses not to see her child/ grandchild for 5 weeks. I just don’t know what to do, I’m very stubborn and don’t feel it should be me to apologise as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and she was the one who put the phone down on me.

OP posts:
Jessistan · 25/02/2025 01:48

She’s been widowed for 25 years and has been on her own since losing my dad. I feel like this has turned her into a very selfish person, she’s used to being on her own and doing her own thing when she wants.

OP posts:
Whalewatching · 25/02/2025 02:00

What are the childcare arrangements you have with her @Jessistan ? What does your daughter say about the incident and what other problems has there been?

WellsAndThistles · 25/02/2025 02:07

Sounds like your Mum needs a break from babysitting duties.

Invite her round for family dinner/walk to the park/trip to garden centre etc. Relieve her of unpaid child care duties but include her in family activities.

sprigatito · 25/02/2025 02:17

WellsAndThistles · 25/02/2025 02:07

Sounds like your Mum needs a break from babysitting duties.

Invite her round for family dinner/walk to the park/trip to garden centre etc. Relieve her of unpaid child care duties but include her in family activities.

OP has already said they have her round for Sunday dinner most weekends!

I wouldn't tolerate her swearing at my child for accidentally spilling a drink. She needed to be told that was unacceptable and can't happen again. If she chooses to sulk and seethe rather than apologise and move on, I would leave her to stew, tbh.

Jessistan · 25/02/2025 02:21

my daughter (she’s 8) was upset that nanny had shouted at her. The next time she was due to go to my mums she got upset about it and didn’t want to go. My mum usually has them 1 day sometimes 2 day in the week (as a work shifts). This involves her taking them to school and picking them up. On those days she probably only actually has them for 3 hours in total.

OP posts:
GravyBoatWars · 25/02/2025 02:54

Jessistan · 25/02/2025 02:21

my daughter (she’s 8) was upset that nanny had shouted at her. The next time she was due to go to my mums she got upset about it and didn’t want to go. My mum usually has them 1 day sometimes 2 day in the week (as a work shifts). This involves her taking them to school and picking them up. On those days she probably only actually has them for 3 hours in total.

I'm sorry things are in such a bad place with your mum.

I assume she hasn't been providing childcare since you aren't speaking? I think I would first shore your own childcare options up so you won't be asking for that again - you don't approve of her treatment of your DC and it's just an extra strain on the relationship. Then decide what you're willing to do right now in terms of relationship if nothing changes on her end. Are you ok inviting her for Sunday dinner once a month so she can stay in touch, with the boundary that you'll host her in your home if she leaves the scolding and parenting to you? Is the occasional text and picture update all you're prepared to give right now? Figure out what you're willing to do without building resentment or her doing more than she currently is and then just stick to that.

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