What made you love yourself more..

[TheseBootsAreWalking]

Bear with me here, but I reed, and reply, sometimes, to posters who are struggling with abusive behaviors from spouse, or from a family member. I have had my share of abuse from former ex's. With police involvement and live changing outlook on life and people. I have learnt hard lessons.

Currently trying to figure out how to distance myself from my own toxic sibling.

So, do you remember the time you just had enough, where you just thought, "I am going to love myself more", priorities myself more, what was your poignant moment? What made you leave? And how are you doing since?

Trying to talk to myself like I would a friend

Apologies for the typos

I wouldn't worry about learning to love myself more, it's a difficult thing to do and probably not necessary.
You need to figure out why you hate yourself so much that you are willing to put up with crap people and crap relationships.
It usually stems from your childhood, so start there.
When you understand these self destructive patterns you can work on changing their authenticity, ideally with the help of a therapist.

For me, it took time actually and is a WIP - in my 30s I was much less tolerant of the shit I put up with in my 40s, so I did/do feel that I've been chipped away at a bit and have taken time out and attended the Freedom project which really helped me.

It was going around things in circles and seeing the patterns and realising - honestly, this is the truth - in one moment last year...February 24...that was seminal for me. It goes like this:

My narc ex has a narc mother. Neither of them have ever been formally diagnosed, but display all of the attributes. Anyway - his mum... she was divorced/getting a divorce when she met his dad in the late 1960's. By all accounts he was very handsome and had a good job. He went away on holiday with his pals and so she took umbrage and did the same. Cut to 2 mths later and she's pregnant...though something came to light last year which suggested the child wasn't his. He did the decent thing and married her and then went on to have a second child - the ex. Throughout their lives together they've done NOTHING that the Dad wanted to - he got a discounted mortgage, a great pension, retired early and wanted to go travel the world with her. Never happened. The dad is subjected to her verbal and at times physical abuse and has bought things 'just to keep her happy', but nothing ever does and the tirade against him continues. She is entitled, jealous, abusive - just like her son, my ex.

In Feb 24 she had a stroke and I agreed to take his dad to the hospital whilst the ex was at work. She subjected his dad to regular foul-mouthed tantrums and abuse in full view of other patients and staff, who were shocked by her behaviour. That was my moment: I saw a snapshot of what my life would be like with this ex where he was never happy/satisfied, blamed me for everything, projected, gaslighted and abused me and I thought "I'm not signing up for the rest of my life to THAT". I knew I deserved better. For the remainder of '24, I kept trying to end the relationship but there was usually some crisis that I would allow myself to be dragged into and eventually, I tuned out emotionally and otherwise of the relationship. Told him I didn't want to be with him any more. Started to put things in motion for life goals I have. Witnessing what was happening there showed me my future and I didn't deserve to be that unhappy, but it did take time for me to line things up. Talks with a therapist helped me, as did planning goals for myself.

Since then, I've applied for other jobs to get out of a role I hate. I'm buying a house. I've made new friends. I'm planning holidays. I have a huge list of all the benefits of choosing me and not him any more. So it's that - choose you and put some distance between yourself and the sibling to give yourself thinking time.
Sorry for the length - I hope this helps :)

I think it was menopause that allowed the scales to fall from my eyes and see the people around me for what they were, rather than what my hormones told me I should think of them. It was a slow dawning. I started to see the imperfections in some people and my own too and I realised how my upbringing had impacted my previous decision making. I think it’s a common theme in women that they get to a certain age and don’t put up with shit anymore. That’s because the fog clears and with that the guilt of ‘doing the right thing’ fades.