Where to start

[LollipopBoo]

I need to write this down as I have no one in my life to talk to. I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this . Maybe some perspective or advice?

I’m sorry this post is boring but
My life is a complete mess.

I’m 52 years old with Lifelong mental Health struggles. Poss Neuro Diverse and been on waiting list few years. Being this way has dominated my entire life and I blame me being like this for failing in life.
I regret most of my life and decisions I have made. I regret not acting on anything or challenging myself but the truth is I have felt frightened of everything my whole life. I feel like a little girl trapped in this body. Like I never grew up. The years have gone by so quickly and not because I was busy having a successful life.

My relationship is on a rapid decline. Due to many issues.which I don’t think are fixable. I’m financially dependant on him due to my job and lack of skills. No idea how to leave.

I have a very poorly paid job, but only have experience in one field .I am also scared of workplace bitchiness and terrified to go elsewhere ! I want to work alone away from other people. Then I won’t get hurt. But can’t work from home.
Life hurts me so much. I’m sensitive and I dislike being around people like this.
People don’t like me despite me always trying to fit in. Friends are long gone. I have no support.
I have no Skills or talents in anything. Honestly I’m embarrassed. I feel like my whole life has been just about survival.
Everyone is good at something or has talent except me.
I have never been ambitious but there are jobs I would have liked to do if I had had the qualifications or confidence or opportunity.
I dislike how I look. This is relevant as it affects how people treat me.
I feel like I’m daydreaming most of the time. Life is so boring. I have no motivation, no hobbies or interests. I go to work and then I keep the house. That’s it.
There’s nothing.

I just don’t know how I can pick any of this apart. Is there any point. at my age ?
Where would I even begin. ? 🥲

Bumping for you 💐

Am hoping others will come along with some help/advice for you. In the meantime are there any online groups with similar issues that you might be interested in subscribing to. Do a search for "people with xxx" and see what comes up.

I'm so sorry, you sound so defeated. Hopefully someone with more knowledge/experience of similar issues will see your post and reach out.

Thanks for replying @valder not sure what online groups you mean

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks for bumping

I mean forums where you can join in discussions or ask questions about your condition. For instance, you mention that you might be neurodiverse, so I typed in google "neuro diverse forum for adults" and this came up.

https://ndsa.uk/forum/

I think you might be depressed also and possibly have menopause symptoms too. I think first of all though, if you haven't already - a trip to the GP is well worth it. Show him/her your post above (you can edit it of course!) and get their advice. Ask them to see if you need HRT which could improve your life enormously health wise anyway. They will check out depression and maybe give you signposts for other sources of help.

Regarding your relationship, maybe do a separate thread on the Relationship Board here. There are lots of very knowledgeable women out there who have been through tough times with their partners, and will know all about the best way (financially) to get out of a difficult relationship if that's what you want to do.

Wishing you well.

@valder Thanks for that.
I will look into it.
Re seeing a GP I have repeatedly. They know I’m bordering on suicidal a lot of the time. There is no mental health care unless you can afford to pay which i cannot. Referrals to MHT repeatedly but I never hear from anyone.
I have HRT already.

This is awful for you.

If you don't get more responses here, I think you should ask MN to move your post to AIBU where there's more traffic for issues such as yours. Or maybe Relationships, and focus on your situation with partner. To do this, if you want to, report your own post and ask for it to be moved.

Chat seems to be for more lighthearted and ordinary topics.

@valder i appreciate you taking time to reply x

I have asked for this to be moved but bumping anyway

I’m so sorry you’re suffering so badly. Accept a non Mumsnetty hug from me.

What were your early years with your family of origin like?

@Carwashtoday thanks for replying and the hug
I had a happy childhood but was always sensitive and anxious. My sibling had MH issues in their teens and into adulthood. Probably also Neuro diverse but now dead to suicide .

Where do you begin? By making some small changes. Join the library, get out 2 books, one work of fiction, one self help book. Read them. Repeat. Go for a regular walk. Get your hair done. Talk to the person next to you in the supermarket queue. Small things can add up to quite a lot. Your life is in your hands.

I do my own hair as I can’t afford to go to a hairdresser. I do have a daily walk as I have a dog. I have tried to read books as I loved reading as a teen but have no motivation to start the books or continue reading. I understand the basis of what you are saying but I do try and it makes no difference.
I listen to positive meditations and I try to change my head and the way I think but nothing works.

This is pretty much how I feel op. I'm 43, have a shit job working 15 hours a week as a cleaner sometimes get extra hours. I'm married but our marriage has been dead for years. We haven't been intimate in over a year and to be honest I don't really want to, I don't want to stay with him but can't afford to leave.
I've booked myself in for a talking therapy session this afternoon. I was fortunate that I got one very quickly. I don't know what help it will do but I need to talk to someone. He picked me up from work this morning and I said life is getting me down. I'm really struggling his response was yeah? What part I said everything. He never said anything else. He lost his job before Christmas and has about 1 months worth if money left from redundancy. I inherited some money when Dad died but I begrudge spending it bailing him out when he should be looking for another job. I feel like I've wasted my life.

Are you able to book in with talk works in your area? I Googled booking myself therapy on Sunday and self referred myself to them. You don't need a Dr's referral

@thecatsarecrazy I’ve googled and that doesn’t exist in my area

You need to take this one step at a time.

Go back to your GP or change GPs if you don't find your current one helpful, and ask about medication for your anxiety and depression.

It sounds like you have no access to money in your relationship. There's information here and a helpline if you're being financially controlled.

You can find information on divorce at wikivorce and the CABx website has lots of information. Rights of Women offer free legal advice.

Try Turn2us to see if you're eligible for any top up benefits or any other financial support.

Anxiety UK offer affordable therapy for those on a low income and you can do a free CBT course here.

There's lots of information on careers and changing careers here. No, 52 is not too old to start again.

Other things you might find useful: change your diet to good, simple, nutritious food. Take vitamin D, magnesium and B complex supplements. Keep hydrated. Get out into nature, you can learn yoga on YouTube, mindfulness is good for mental health.

CALM has a webchat facility and helpline if you feel suicidal and if you're in crisis then call NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team.

The Autistic Society has lots of information on their website and a search facility to see what support is in your area or online. They have a good helpline.

ETA your husband sounds abusive. You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or Refuge have a webchat facility.

@thecatsarecrazy I’m sorry that you are going through similar. It’s a very lonely place to be.
Good that you found the therapy near you. It’s worth a shot for some perspective.
My partner really shouts and swears and drives off when he’s annoyed this in turn upsets me then I get told I’m over reacting because I’m sensitive. He never apologises and I’m supposed to just forget about it.

@Maitri108
Some very useful information thanks v much for your time.
i have access to my money as we have separate accounts. He pays most of the bills but i do pay some of them out of my small wage. He earns significantly more than me.
Re diet I do eat healthily most of the time as I cook from scratch mainly and I’m vegetarian and I also take magnesium and Vit d and b12.
I’ve used CALM before. Also Samaritans and Shout but none of them can offer much more than paraphrasing whatever I say back to me.
I can’t contact the Autistic group you suggested as I’m not diagnosed officially and wouldn’t feel right doing so.
I will look into the anxiety uk but I probably can’t afford it.

No problem. It doesn't matter if you're not officially diagnosed, you can contact the National Autistic Society and use their website.

I don't understand your financial situation. Why don't you have access to your husband's money?

Anxiety UK offers therapy for as little as £20. If you don't have £20 and your husband earns significantly more than you, something is very wrong. I gave you both a helpline for domestic abuse and information on financial abuse.

@Maitri108 we aren’t married and have joint mortgage and have separate accounts. He pays majority of bills and pays for most shopping I pay some household utilities and Council tax. I also contribute to shopping where I can with cleaning and toiletries and pets. That doesn’t leave much money in my account. He says he is scraping by because of bills. He’s self employed.
Because we co own I’m not entitled to any benefits.
I did look at Betterhelp and even with a low income discount I couldn’t afford the weekly cost.
I will look at Anxiety UK again if you say it’s more affordable.
I really want to have a career but commitments and a lack of confidence and self esteem has always stopped me.
I will look at your suggested page.
I am grateful for your help.

@LollipopBoo It's no problem at all. It would probably be a good idea to sit down with your partner and work out where the money is going.

How can bills be using up all his money? You both need to see how much you have and where it's all going. There are lots of ways to make cut backs such as changing utility companies and managing debt.

It's overwhelming, so take it a step at a time.

@Maitri108 he has always kept his finances separate. If I’m being honest he’s probably up to his eyes in debt but won’t admit it. That would explain his moods and treatment of me. I guess I’m not a sound investment anymore.
I will broach the subject .

@Maitri108 Thanks again

You really should only be paying in proportion to your earnings. Having no money left at the end of the month while he earns substantially more than you doesn't sound right.

Please read the information above about financial control and don't discuss it if it's not safe to do so.

You're not married but at the very least, you should be paying out in proportion to your earnings.

I've normally found the local JobCentre to be great for giving careers advice and support.

Go in, say you want to increase your hours/switch jobs/are struggling and would just like some help or pointers to local career services.

Careers services are normally super friendly and will have "seen it all". Be honest about your worries with anxiety and ND and MH. I think there's specialist disability employment advisors as well?

There's often courses and coaches who will talk you through things like doing a CV or applications, or they may know about volunteering opportunities available.

I didn't find they got me the perfect job, but just having a chat with someone helpful and friendly is a nice first step if you're feeling out of the mainstream.

You could just go in physically one day.

Keep posting here for support if you're anxious.

Socially, again I'd say baby steps.

Find one small free thing to do and go to it.

Even if you're not religious, a local spiritual group like the Quakers or Buddhist centre can be friendly and supportive and you turn up, sit with other people, have a cup of tea and go home.

If you're in X city, Google X Quakers or X Buddhist centre for the address.

There'll normally be a weekly meet which is free and open to newcomers.

You're not going to feel better immediately, but take one day at a time. Keep posting if you need to process or let your thoughts out.