Thoughts

[Lostandwondering]

Evening all, this may be a lost post but please bear with me as I am looking for your thoughts and advise. I separated from my husband yesterday of 3 years, it was my decision but it does not make it any easier. This was not a decision I had taken lightly.

Things were find until this past 12 months, he does not get on with my son (previous marriage) as he has been aggressive with him when he was drunk on 2 occasions (not violent) and this has caused numerous arguments between the 2 of them and also the 2 of us, latterly they just stayed out of each others way, however this caused me loads of anxiety and stress.

My husband started drinking every night since summer last year, started with a few beers with supper then turned into 4 or 5 beers and a nip and I asked him to stop drinking during the week as we both have very busy jobs and it made me very anxious when he drank as he could be a moody drunk. He stopped drinking during the week for a few months then he started again towards the end of the year and it has continued into this year, this makes me think he has no respect for my wishes and if i raised it he just rolled his eyes.

Anyway he left yesterday when i told him i couldn't live like this anymore, he never once asked what we could do to fix things, or even showed empathy towards my feelings when i was upset, he never shed a tear, just said if he leaves he will not be back and packed all of his belongings and left, I have no idea where he is, he left in his car and turned his location settings off before he left the village we live him. I text him yesterday to see if he was safe and ok and he replied don't worry about me, i am fine. Questions is do I text him again and if so what do i say as i guess he does not want to hear from me, i know i chose this but it does not make the hurt any easier to deal with and doesn't mean i don't love him and want to make sure he is safe, he was so cold with his actions when he left. He left his wedding ring on the window sill.

OP
One of the hardest parts of separating is maintaining emotional distance. It would be wrong for you to try and be his emotional support here.

I don't know if he's cold because he drinks or if he was unhappy and drank to make himself feel better, either way Op he has no interest in stopping drinking. I know it's a shock because you didn't expect him to leave but I hope you'll see it's for the best, he's not the man you married and the drinking would drag you both down

I know this is really difficult for you but don’t contact him. He needs space to process what’s happening too, and perhaps to see the consequences of his behaviour (if you’re lucky). People say many things in anger that they don’t mean. That was his fight or flight response when he left his ring, and designed to hurt you.

If you keep checking in on him you’re giving mixed messages about your boundaries.
If he truly cares, and wants to make changes he needs to get in touch with you and put some effort in to address the issues.

Take some time to focus on staying healthy yourself. Which I know is so much easier said than done.

No, don't text him. Was he aggressive with your son or your son aggressive with him?

The first time was with my sons friends cos they were round making too much noise, my son is in his early 20s and him and his friends were watching the football having some drinks which we agreed they could come round to the house and my husband was drunk and started having a go at some of them resulting in them leaving. The worst time was last summer when he was shouting at me when he was drunk about my first husband and my son came downstairs to ask him to stop shouting at me, he then started shouting at my son, tried to hit him which was when I stepped in between them. It turns out he had “taken something” whilst he was out at the pub and needless to say the next day he had no memory of the event. He said he doesn’t know why he has to drink and how he feels no empathy for anything and said he would stop which he did for a while.

Even with this being my choice I miss him and it hurts not talking to him, I guess cos I am responsible for the situation I kind of feel that I should be in checking he is ok

You are not responsible for the situation.
You have done the right thing by ending it.
I know it hurts but you must try to not get in touch with him.
You and your son deserve so much more, and if you hang on in there, a better future awaits you.

You can’t put any man above your son, especially not a one who is a drunk and has threatened violence

You need to apologise to your son for bringing him into his safe space

Sorry it's still not entirely clear - possibly you aren't that comfortable about spelling this out - your husband took drugs and started being aggressive with your son? And you didn't kick him out then why?

Also I do appreciate that it’s very hard going on you despite the above

Be kind to yourself it will take time to grieve

I ask myself this all the time, he said he would get help, I was broken with the situation and didn’t know what to do. I think about these awful things he did to try and make it feel better but it still hurts and I know I shouldn’t be giving him a second thought but I am human at the end of the day and feel responsible