Lovely man but no butterflies

[Doorshut]

I've know him for about a year through a sport and it was a very slow burn. We were friends in a large group, then started "ending up" just the two of us doing things together when others were busy, then we got really drunk together 🤣 and admitted maybe something else was going on.

We've been seeing each other for 3 months now. He's lovely, kind, respectful, funny, interesting and interested, intelligent. We have great debates and often disagree (opposite sides of the political spectrum) but it never gets nasty or even heated. I feel completely safe with him, he stays in touch, but not constantly, he calls when he says he will, he sticks with arrangements, is keen to see me and find time together, and if he unintentionally upsets me (which can be an easy thing to do!) he listens, apologises, takes responsibility and makes sure it doesn't happen again. He's in good shape too 🤣

But, although I'm enjoying this lovely comfortable life, feeling safe and secure, and we do lots of fun things together, I'm not feeling those early relationship butterflies.

I don't know if that matters? Is it because he's not causing the anxiety that often comes with a new relationship, or is it something missing?

Have you had a previously healthy relationship?

Very slow burns are often the best.

I'd keep this one op.

I absolutely agree with you that often 'a spark' is actually anxiety that you're not sure what they feel about you and just relief when they text which floods you with dopamine.

I read a meme once which talked about you shouldn't want butterflies but rather feeling save with them.

If you're not attracted to him, thats a different thing, but this doesn't sound like that.

Yes, a long marriage from very young. Just casual dating since.

I had a very - VERY - slow burn with my DH. I remember worrying about the lack of butterflies too! But he was incredibly kind, considerate, intelligent and respectful and we had a great friendship - a strong foundation to build on.

Then one day, maybe a year into being together, I met him in town and there he was walking towards me... and the butterflies appeared.

We have been together 28 years now and still have the best relationship, due to that strong foundation holding us up all this time. The butterflies I felt that day have long since passed into something much more substantial.

I started like this with my husband, OP, 20 years ago.
Butterflies don't really carry you through life's miseries.
Sorry for pun.

DH and I started going out after couple of years after first meeting. We too were part of a large group of friends, we were actually with different people when we first met, happy in those relationships, and when those relationships ended, we’re in relationships with other people.

We were both single when we got together. I’d always liked him, but I’d never thought of him as anything more than a friend. We got together on a regular night out and it was a complete surprise to us both.

I don’t think I’ve ever had butterflies. When DH and j got together, I’d had some really crap relationships, and plenty of butterflies and drama. DH was very much as you’re describing your partner - good company, a laugh, forthcoming, open, went out of his way to make me a part of his wider friendship circle, and was basically just straightforward in every way. He made plans and stuck to them, looked to the future with me (but not in a love bombing, red flag way), was in touch all the time but not too much etc. I’d describe it as being more that I appreciated him rather than had butterflies.

It was a good foundation for a life together which has thrown us some massive curveballs.

Butterflies don't matter! He sounds wonderful!

I had a similar beginning with my partner. 4 years on and I still feel like he is a great big warm blanket around me and that is far more important to me than butterflies.

I think it depends what type of butterflies you're talking about. If you mean that you don't feel the nervous energy, sick with anticipation type feelings before your dates, then I think that's ok, it could just indicate that you feel comfortable with him. But if you're actually just finding a tactful way of saying that you don't fancy him, that's a bit different...

You list positive qualities but don't actually say if you find him attractive.

Some one can be nice and in good shape but do nothing at all for you.

By "butterflies" are you referring just to the excitement at the start of a relationship or are you saying there is no attraction?

I find him very attractive, although I would say objectively, he's no model and he's very short I could look at his face for hours. I always want to kiss him.

Please don’t let this nonsense spoil what sounds like a truly lovely relationship with lots of potential.
As a previous poster said butterflies are not going to get you through the hard times. They are fleeting and misleading.
You are an adult not a 16 year old. Relationships need a stronger foundation than butterflies.

I think you may need to reflect on what butterflies mean to you. If you could “look at his face for hours” and “always want to kiss him” that is pretty significant! Maybe, as PP have pointed out, you associate romance with a breathless feeling of anxiety and heart palpitations? Try really meditating on him and the relationship you have. You are like a person on a long drive who keeps stopping the car to check the oil and gas rather than enjoying the trip.

What’s wrong with being short? What a shitty thing to say

What? I've said nothing but lovely things about him. Being short is often considered less attractive in a man, that's all, in response to someone who asked if I find him attractive. I do, despite the fact that he wouldn't be thought of as a traditionally attractive man.

I remember worrying about this at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. I completely agree that a lot of the time butterflies are actually anxiety.
He sounds like a keeper to me.

Personally I think the butterflies are over rated, its not exactly something to build a long term relationship on.
For me though they more equal the anxiety around a new relationship, the sooner they disappear the better for me as that means I'm comfortable with the person and the relationship can actually develop more naturally than if I'm overthinking or not relaxed enough to be myself.
But I'm also a bit biased because I have a friend who always breaks up with guys because they're too nice and she doesn't feel the butterflies but she also has a lot of anxiety and imo stays with guys who are bad for her and it's really hard to watch.

Thanks everyone. I think I'd already recognised that a lot of the "missing" excitement of dating/a new relationship is anxiety, but it's good that that appears to be a thing.

He's not perfect, there are lots of things that might make him unattractive to some, but I seem to be in a place where I can see past that or don't need that from him but I do think the core of him is decent in a way you don't come across often (in men or women).

I think if I was looking to have DC with him, he'd be a very bad choice, but as that stage of my life is long gone, this is nice. There's part of me that thinks I should want better than "nice" but that's the excitement/anxiety seeking part of me 🤣

Then hang onto him as he sounds like a keeper

That's interesting OP, why would he be a bad choice to have children with?

He's not financially very stable. Since being made redundant 15 years ago, he has built a lifestyle around picking up bits and pieces of freelance work when he needs to, and enjoying life and freedom in between.

Which suits me and my current life beautifully as he has plenty of time and "enough" money to do fun things, but it's not the way I'd have wanted to raise a family or someone I'd want to combine my finances with (which won't happen for me again, regardless of who the man is).

Currently living in a houseshare which suits him and leaves him plenty of disposable income, but wouldn't suit me! That's fine because I decided a long time ago I'll never live with a man again, I enjoy my own home to myself. I actually think beyond the childrearing stage (he doesn't have DC) living separately is probably the most desirable state.

BTW I have made it very clear he won't be moving in here 🤣

It depends on your emotional health. You may have emotional butterflies for all the wrong reasons.