Unrequited love

[barneydinosaur]

In among marriage which has problems.
Had an affair over WhatsApp (no physical meeting).
I ended it as my mental health sunk very low (still is)
I don't think he wanted to end it but also wasn't never honest about how he felt.
I feel devastated by my feelings - I care very much for him -
How do I get over this

Hang on, have you never actually met this man?

Sorry it's not clear
Yes we have met . We are in a group together
We both find each other very attractive and have acknowledged a very strong bond / connection
Most of out talking over several months has been by WhatsApp
Sexting but no physical sex

Try to fix your marriage? If it's not fixable, can you plan to split, so you can be happy? Can you find other things to concentrate on, if that's not an option? Then you're less likely to be tempted by blokes who mess you around, if that's what happened here.

How you get over it is to stop doing it and have a bit of respect for your husband, even if you don't have any for yourself.

Is he married and going behind his wife's back too?

Another way to get over it would be to read the countless threads here in Relationships, where MNetters have been devastated to discover grubby little sext messages between their partners and other women.

Yes you are right
He is married - and very unhappily

We fucked up. I let my feelings grow and it shouldn't

It's not easy

You get over it by taking a long, hard look at your marriage and deciding if it's worth trying to save.

Some things aren't fixable and you're best off cutting your losses. However, it might be saveable if you're just bored, or a bit fed up with each other, or simply experiencing a bit of limerence with the new guy.

If there's one thing I've learned from my marriage with DH, it's that marriages can have peaks and troughs. However, if the foundations are good, you can ride them out and make your marriage stronger.

You don't stop finding other people sexually attractive just because you're married. Crushes fade if you have the self control not to act on them. What they should lead to is some reflection on your marriage and whether you need to put more effort into (and demand more back from) your spouse.

Good post from @Resilience. And, regardless of the state of your marriage, you will from time to time, encounter someone else you could have been happily married to — I’m happily married, and I’ve met a couple. Not something to do anything about, obviously, though I knew it was mutual in one case. Focus on whether your marriage is worth saving. If not, start to extricate yourself. That’s the key thing here.

If this man has "never been honest about how he felt" I do not think he loves you op. I also very much doubt you actually love him. It's a bit of a cheap thrill away from his wife and your husband, an ego boosting fantasy, an exciting hidden secret. It is not real.
It is however really disrespectful and extremely hurtful to both your husband and his wife and for what? Some seedy messages?

If you are unhappy in your marriage, you can end it for any reason you choose but no marriage, or divorce for that matter, was ever improved by one person playing away.

And as for his "unhappy" marriage? How many men who want to engage in an affair say their marriage is happy? It's the age old script "my wife doesn't understand me" or "we don't have sex anymore" blah blah. I would take that with an enormous pinch of salt because, often, on discovery, these things are not true at all.

I would think your mental health is very low because you know what you are doing is wrong and you are struggling with that.
You did the right thing by ending it. Ensure you maintain no contact and get some therapy. Things will improve.

Thank you this is helpful
I've been married for 25 years .never had my head turned before . Probably very naive.
The other relationship could go nowhere but it doesn't stop me having feelings and finding it hard

I guess I just have to acknowledge that I can miss him but it goes no further
My marriage needs to be worked in and we both have to take responsibility
My metal health is poor for many reasons