Why is my mother so negative and mean?

[Katlam]

So I am married with 6 children. My relationship with my mother has always been strained. She hates my husband and has told him so. We moved 2 hours drive away and she blames him for that. She loves the 2 oldest grandchildren because we lived with her while my husband and i were sorting out the big move. She has no interest in the other 4 grandchildren she has told people they are not her grandchildren. She is constantly putting me down and telling people how much money I owe her, I would love to know what that is about! I go up to see them and smile but deep down I know she hates me, she's all nice to my face but as soon as I leave she speaks horrible about me. Mentally I've had enough, I've not been happy for years because of this and I don't think I'm meant to be happy. What do I do?

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Unlikely so stop tolerating it from your mother.

Stop visiting her at all. Go no contact with your mother and set yourself and your own family unit free from her tyranny. Given her behaviour I am not at all surprised this relationship has always been strained.

Let go of any and all residual hope that she will somehow change even now and say sorry. Deal with any fear, obligation and guilt you have re her through therapy.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. You are meant to be happy but your mother is only happy when she is putting you down. It's not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. People like your mother make for being rubbish as grandparent figures as well.

You do not mention your father here; is he still in your life?.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and have a look at/perhaps post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

Why is out of your control. What you do in response to how she chooses to act is within your control. We give my in-laws a rating on their bad behaviour. Helped leave their behaviour with them. We also grey rock them. Means we can tolerate seeing them a few times a year. Interestingly they don’t bother much with the bad behaviour now it doesn’t get them what they want and we just ignore it.