Do abusive men ever change

[Onecuriouskitty]

I have posted this question after seeing threads on similar topics. I'll try and keep it brief.

When I was at Uni I was engaged to another student who was very opinionated and volatile. I ended the relationship when we had an argument (about politics) and he tried to strangle me.

Two years later I married a man who was quite the opposite temperamentally. Quiet, controlled and rational. As time went on I noticed his penchant for sly put-downs and criticism. Eventually I called him out on what he said once. I asked him why he was saying these nasty things and upsetting me. His response was "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself".
I realised then that he was someone who was abusive and couldn't/wouldn't take responsibility for this own behaviour, and I started divorce proceedings.

Later, I found out he's been cheating on me for several months.

My ex-fiance married another student some years later and posts all over Facebook about her being his "very best friend".

My exH married the girl he was cheating with and they are still together 25 years later.

After my divorce I took time out to do work on myself to find out why I attracted these abusers and remarried 10 years ago. I made a much better choice this time around !

I wonder sometimes if these men were/are as abusive to their new partners as they were to me. If so how do these women tolerate it?

They likely are. And if they're not, it's only a matter of time

Twats like that never change. They leave a string of abused women and children behind

You’re free of them Op
so don’t waste your thoughts navel gazing about them

Some men change; but only if they realise what they were doing and work on themselves. But those men probably not.
Ive seen men be controlling but not physically abusive in subsequent relationships because his control of her hasn’t been challenged which is a scary thought in itself

@Adhikv that's an astute summation.

In the first case maybe he found the next female better politically aligned with him and didn't challenge his views.

In the second case my ex found someone who relies on him financially and came from an abusive background. So she maybe sees abuse as somehow "normal" and accepts it.

No.

Oh practice makes perfect. Men get worse over years

@Basicbiro I agree that it's a waste of brainpower thinking about these guys.

I was curious and just wanted a few opinions.

I had a significant amount of therapy to get to the bottom of why I ended up with these types of men.
I was brought up with an abusive mother and was seemingly conditioned to accept abuse as "normal".
Once I was aware of this I was able to make better choices.

Yeah they tend to get worse and then mellow out a bit in later life - only because they're not as strong and other options are limited.

No.

My ex-fiance married another student some years later and posts all over Facebook about her being his "very best friend".

A huge red flag in itself in my experience. the odd post at birthdays or anniversaries, sure, but in my (admittedly anecdotal and not scientific experience) the more posting about how much they love each other they do, the more likely it is that there are huge issues in the relationship.

The ex with the put downs etc, probaby didn't change. it's entirely possible though that his new partner doesn't notice or care or find it upsetting. Or that she does, but sucks it up. Impossible to tell.

No, they’ll maybe change their behaviour, if it suits them. But they are inherently only interested in themselves, they’ll always be abusive deep down. It’ll come out eventually.

Abusers ultimately see women as sub human and they would have to change this mindset in order to treat them differently.

No one attracts abusers; they tolerate abuse. An abuser can approach ten different women and be told by nine to sod off. They'll settle with the one who ignores or doesn't recognise the red flags.

"How on earth do you know the intricacies of your exes new relationships OP"

I don't know anything. Only stuff they have told me. It could be a load of lies.

Both of them contacted me many years later to "find out how I was", I had an unusual maiden name that I used for business. So even thought I had moved twice I was easy to locate.

At the time I was single, gave nothing away. and blocked them.

"it seems to me that you spend a lot of time thinking and pondering about your exes"

Not at all.
My memory was jogged by a thread about abusive partners and I was curious. Hence the post.

No.

I broke off the engagement with the first because he assaulted me.

I divorced the second because he was cheating and the solicitor asked him to move out - which he did,

No, I don’t think men like this do change. Why would they? This behaviour is part of their character.

I suspect these new women put up with a lot.
I agree with a PP who said him saying his partner was his “ best friend “ is a red flag!

You had a lucky escape OP

After years of being single (and working on myself) I am now in a very happy relationship with a family, I've moved yet again as my second husband was in the Armed Forces.

I'm not saying too much as it could be outing.....

I certainly did !

I was heartbroken both times but just had to put on my Big Girl Pants and get on with it. 🙂

No they do not.
Something I drummed into all of my DDs.