My estranged dad and cancer diagnosis

[nicolewil1]

Feeling really sad and not sure how else to feel.
My dad and I became estranged about 5 years ago after some pretty diabolical behaviour on his side (which he's never taken any responsibility for, let alone apologised for or tried to make amends). My young DC is close to him and although I cut him lose after what happened, I've allowed my DC to make up their own mind if want to see him or not. My DC is almost 10 years old and sees grandad about 3 times a week.
Last week, I was told by a mutual relative that my dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer and is due to start chemo. Thankfully, it sounds like it was caught early and hasn't spread. He's had scans that show it's confined to one organ and hasn't spread. The chemo is due to start this week and of course I've wished him well and wished him good luck with it.
But I just can't help feeling so sad that he's pushed away most people from his life over the years. My siblings have been no contact with him for 10 or more years, similar reasons.
Is it normal to feel so sad for a person, even after they've treated you so badly?
My partner is doing his best to be supportive to me at this emotional time, but he knows how badly my dad treated me (and my siblings). I feel almost guilty for being upset and tearful about him. It's a strange feeling, almost like I'm already mourning the person he "could" have been or "should" have been. Can anyone relate?

You are mourning the relationship you wish you had with your Dad.
My DM has caused so much trouble in the past putting us siblings against each other that none of us has stayed in touch.Or with her as much as we would ve.
You still have time to see you Dad and perhaps have a better relationship.

I totally get this having been in the same place. You mourn the person that you thought he was and the relationship and future you could have had. These things don’t exist.

Also remember that cancer doesn’t make someone a better person. I am a bit concerned that despite your dad behaving so badly you chose to let a 5 year old ‘choose’ to have a relationship with him. That should be your decision as a parent.
I stayed non contact 10 years ago when my dad had cancer because it would have been so bad for my mental health to engage with him and I had worked so hard to go NC. However last year when he had surgery with ITU admission I did get in touch to say I wished him well. I didn’t want him to die thinking I hated him . My feelings are very very mixed , anger , sadness , pity… It’s complicated . I don’t love him though .

I relate OP. We can’t have what people don’t have to give us. And all the waiting for them to realise just meant we got more hurt by their unresolved trauma.

Unfortunately no illness will change how your dad had behaved in the past. No illness he gets now squares the circle. No illness he gets now makes him able to care for you in the way he always should have.

No one wins when a parent is disordered. I say that because I faced anger from them and others for removing myself. We all lose. I didn’t win anything when I got away.

Society wants so desperately to think well of all parents. We feel that pull in us every time we’ve followed the script. Or we feel the guilt when we don’t and we decide we’re allowed to protect ourselves.

Three times a week is a lot? Is he or your mum helping you out with childcare? If they’re still married how has your mum handled your decision to step back?

I absolutely understand.
I've been no contact with my father for nearly 6 years now. And despite being very firm on never wanting him to be part of my life again, I do still feel some sort of love for him. He's still my father after all. I hope he's well and happy and I even feel sad and guilty sometimes when I think that me cutting him off might have caused him pain.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel both.
After all, your dad may have done some horrible things, but he probably wasn't a complete monster 100% of the time either. So it's normal to reject the part of him that hurt you, but also miss the good parts, even if they were rare.

Absolutely so. My mum passed away a couple of years ago now… well 4 to be exact lol and we hadn’t really had a relationship for 20 years. When she died it hit me like a bus- I had young kids at the time and everything hit me hard. You will have some nice memories even one… and it’ll hurt you… grief is being angry- sad- feeling regret… and it’s confusing when you may not like the person who died and who is your parent. I really recommend counselling it helped me immensely. You are allowed to grieve even if you didn’t get on. It’s still your dad.

I am glad you have posted, thank you, my estranged Dad of 25 years is dying this week, the hospice Dr said it would not be long. I am 68 and 375 miles away, so won't be going to his bedside. I find out about my Dad through my 88 year old aunt, who is in touch with my estranged brother and SIL. My Dad is now in a hospital bed in their front room.

I estranged my Dad in 2000 when my Mum died and I felt he had treated her with disrespect. I saw him for the first time in eleven years at a funeral in 2011 where he promised to be in touch - months and months later he told my aunt 'it's been too long, I'm not going to bother'.

Fast forward five years to 2016 and my husband died, and he sent a card with a short letter. I have been writing back ever since through politeness and a need to have a 'Dad' - but he is and always has been an appalling father.

My Dad was unfaitfhful to my Mum when she was pregnant with me, and when I was born he continued his adulterous behaviour. When I was old enough to understand I remember going to school aged 5 and telling my teacher my Dad had gone off with a witch - my Mum had said bitch, I'd misheard her.

I don't know how I feel knowing he is dying. I did send him a card 'forgiving' him about 2007 but deep in my heart I know I haven't, he left me at 5 years of age dealing with my Mum's terror at being alone, and her high anxiety about money. I will never forget having to wear my Mum's friend's cut down coat, the button was on the hem, I was so ashamed. He spent all his money on other women and their children.