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Original poster

What to do about son's ex?

29 replies

CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:20

Son and his gf recently split after 6 years, (no kids, weren't living together but planned to move in together over the summer) and she's been part of the family for the last 5 years and we are fairly close. My feeling is that she's made her decision to leave him and that decision means she can no longer be part of the family. Am I being too harsh? I don't see how we can carry on with the same relationship that we had previously.

OP posts:
TY78910 · 23/02/2025 21:21

I suppose it depends on the circumstances in which they have split. And how he feels about that. If it's amicable, and they remain friends then I don't see why you can't do the same. She won't be round at Christmas that's for sure.

Livelaughlurgy · 23/02/2025 21:22

Does she want to be part of the family anymore?

Original poster
CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:24

TY78910 · 23/02/2025 21:21

I suppose it depends on the circumstances in which they have split. And how he feels about that. If it's amicable, and they remain friends then I don't see why you can't do the same. She won't be round at Christmas that's for sure.

Definitely not amicable...

Main issue is other children telling me I need to speak to her and be kind!! I've messaged her a couple of times asking how she is, and asking if she wants to talk and I've not had a reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:25

Livelaughlurgy · 23/02/2025 21:22

Does she want to be part of the family anymore?

Idk... I think not as I haven't spoken to her for 2 weeks.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 23/02/2025 21:27

If she hasn't replied I'd assume she doesn't want to continue the relationship with you. It's probably not personal she might just find it too difficult.

FeathersMcFeather · 23/02/2025 21:27

Her silence speaks volumes

It would also be rather strange to carry on a relationship with her when she's no longer with your son - the obvious exception being if they had children

And you say it's not an amicable split either

So all things considered, just support your son and don't message his ex. Process your feelings about it all separately

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2025 21:29

She hasn't replied, leave it be.

BlondiePortz · 23/02/2025 21:30

CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:24

Definitely not amicable...

Main issue is other children telling me I need to speak to her and be kind!! I've messaged her a couple of times asking how she is, and asking if she wants to talk and I've not had a reply.

Show quote history

Then leave her alone!

pizzaHeart · 23/02/2025 21:34

when you are saying that it’s not amicable do you mean that she might be in a difficult situation due to your son’s behaviour e.g there was a fight or a crime or a serious health issue. If nothing like this I can’t understand why you’ve contacted her?

DorothyStorm · 23/02/2025 21:35

CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:24

Definitely not amicable...

Main issue is other children telling me I need to speak to her and be kind!! I've messaged her a couple of times asking how she is, and asking if she wants to talk and I've not had a reply.

Show quote history

why do you think she will want a relationship with you?

CuthbertDribble · 23/02/2025 21:41

You've already messaged her and she hasn't responded. That's the end of it I think.

If your other adult children want to 'be kind' then they can do that themselves.

Original poster
CM97 · 23/02/2025 21:46

CuthbertDribble · 23/02/2025 21:41

You've already messaged her and she hasn't responded. That's the end of it I think.

If your other adult children want to 'be kind' then they can do that themselves.

Thanks - this is pretty much my feelings about it. Ultimately, there are no children to make it necessary to maintain a relationship. Her silence says it all in my opinion and if my adult children want to contact her to support her, that's up to them.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 23/02/2025 21:52

Obviously the relationship between you and her has now changed, you’re no longer her ‘mil’. Also, if it’s only a couple of weeks, so things will still be raw.

I also think leave it for now. Let her come to you, or maybe send another message in a few weeks time. Not sure when her birthday is, but you could still send her a card.

What relationship do you want with her going forward? She’s been a part of your life for several years now. Do you want to maintain a friendship with her?

Edcc · 23/02/2025 21:55

Let it go.
Be very very careful.
Staying in contact could really wound your son who has been rejected by her.

Your loyalty should be to your son and his pain.
Forget be kind advice from your other children.

If you run into her, of course you would be polite.
But otherwise eyes focused firmly on your son.

A poster was handed her arse recently when it turned out she sided with her sons ex who happened to be her daughters friend.
To such an extent her son no longer came home and was leaving and going travelling.
It was actually an unbelievable thread about such disloyalty to her own child who had been dumped.
Awful.

Make it very very clear to your son that you have his back.

gettingthehangofsewing · 23/02/2025 22:02

It was lovely of you to message but the likelihood is she wants to move on. If you had a friendship independent of your sons relationship with her then maybe you could stay friends but otherwise I'd say not appropriate

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/02/2025 22:13

I could have written this exact post. I really loved DS GF and saw her grow up. She turned up the day after she finished with him for a chat, I felt very upset at that point. What followed was helpful to me because she showed she was not who I thought she was. This was a few months ago. You will be ok.

Ultimately it would put you in a very awkward position to remain in touch with her. Support your DS, I see she finished with him, it was the same here. Remain neutral about her neither bewail that you miss her nor bad mouth her. I did this to be mature but also in case they got back together. Internally there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, only DH knows how I really feel.

VivienneDelacroix · 23/02/2025 22:19

Are you adult children concerned for her? Is she vulnerable? Do they feel that your son has hurt her in some way?
If this is the case then I'd say keep the door open for her.

If not, then you don't need to contact her at all. My mum kept in contact with one of my exes. It was weird and to be honest made me very uncomfortable. There's no need to have a relationship with her.

whynotwhatknot · 23/02/2025 22:20

be kind is being taken so literally se split up with him why are your other d gtting involved

Original poster
CM97 · 23/02/2025 23:02

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/02/2025 22:13

I could have written this exact post. I really loved DS GF and saw her grow up. She turned up the day after she finished with him for a chat, I felt very upset at that point. What followed was helpful to me because she showed she was not who I thought she was. This was a few months ago. You will be ok.

Ultimately it would put you in a very awkward position to remain in touch with her. Support your DS, I see she finished with him, it was the same here. Remain neutral about her neither bewail that you miss her nor bad mouth her. I did this to be mature but also in case they got back together. Internally there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, only DH knows how I really feel.

Yes my thoughts exactly. She isn't who I thought she was and is heartbroken, according to my daughter who has spoken to her and my son. However, my loyalty is very much with my son and as lovely as it was having her in the family, she has decided that it isn't for her so frankly, she can't have it both ways.

If they had children together it would have been different but they don't.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 23/02/2025 23:07

I don't understand. She has ended the relationship with your son so obviously the relationship with his family has ended as well. It's very unusual to stay friends particularly as she is the one who ended it. Now she isn't answering any messages. She is following the traditional route that the relationship with the family has ended at the same time as the relationship with the guy. I hope your son is okay.

outerspacepotato · 23/02/2025 23:40

The relationship is over and so is her relationship with your family. Stop messaging her. Your kids don't know any better but you do.

Do you want her over when your son is bringing his new GF home to meet you, or when he's got an announcement or he's living with someone else? No, it would make your son uncomfortable.

Original poster
CM97 · 23/02/2025 23:58

healthybychristmas · 23/02/2025 23:07

I don't understand. She has ended the relationship with your son so obviously the relationship with his family has ended as well. It's very unusual to stay friends particularly as she is the one who ended it. Now she isn't answering any messages. She is following the traditional route that the relationship with the family has ended at the same time as the relationship with the guy. I hope your son is okay.

Exactly. I think I just needed clarification that this isn't an unreasonable interpretation of this situation.

OP posts:
Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:01

However, my loyalty is very much with my son and as lovely as it was having her in the family, she has decided that it isn't for her so frankly, she can't have it both ways.

erm she doesn’t want it both ways. You keep messaging her and she’s not responding 🥴

Original poster
CM97 · 24/02/2025 00:13

Shyawayfromtit · 24/02/2025 00:01

However, my loyalty is very much with my son and as lovely as it was having her in the family, she has decided that it isn't for her so frankly, she can't have it both ways.

erm she doesn’t want it both ways. You keep messaging her and she’s not responding 🥴

No not at all - I've messaged her twice. The first time to say I was sorry that they had split and take care. She responded and asked if I wanted to chat. I replied and said things were difficult for me atm, and that I was pleased she was ok, she didn't respond to the second. So I've left it and don't think it's appropriate to message again.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 24/02/2025 00:42

That was very similar to me, I just msg to say take care and she wanted to come over for a chat so I said she could but it was the day after and so very soon. Yep just leave it, hope it settles quickly.