Why has he left me while I’m pregnant with baby #2

[Chess2003]

I’m sat here tonight wracking my brain trying to figure this out, I wonder if anyone can help me or has been through similar? I’ve read a few threads about men leaving while you’re pregnant. I have asked him myself and the short answer was “I don’t love you anymore” and I just can’t seem to accept that answer?
I’m 8 months pregnant and we have a 16 month old. He also has a dc from previous relationship who he has a good relationship. He’s a hands on Dad no problems there. However, I thought we were fine, we were having lots of sex at the time of conception with baby #2 and he didn’t seem concerned about if an accident were to happen.. However, this whole pregnancy he has flitted between regret and then changing his mind going baby shopping, he purchased all the essentials off his own back. Romantically he’s checked out, he’s now currently living at his parents house and doesn’t involve me in his day to day life anymore. He comes up to see DC and takes her out alone saying “let’s give Mummy a break to relax”. I did suspect another woman, however his appearance has gone downhill, he’s not taking care of himself. As I say he told me he just doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to be with me. I just can’t understand why he would do this now. I don’t know what to do except just to carry on and take each day as it comes.

Very odd sounds like he could be up to something or have another partner couldn't you get a private investigator to see what he's up to might put your mind at rest. If he's not up to anything he may change his mind once the baby comes but at least you will know if he's up to anything

It sounds like he has been having trouble dealing with the current pregnancy and upcoming new baby. It could be that he’s struggling with becoming a Dad to another child since he already has a few. Maybe he’s concerned about the financial implications and the strain on making time for all the children. You say he’s a hands on Dad so maybe he is concerned that he can’t be hands on with more children as he’s already spreading himself too thin. Or maybe, he doesn’t love you anymore. Only he knows. I would take him at his word, as crushing as that is and focus on your upcoming birth and how you will manage as a single mum with a 16 month old and a new born. I would be thinking about who I wanted to be my birth partner if it’s not him. Or if he is there perhaps consider if you want a second person there too for support. Speak to him about child contact arrangements and how much he is going to pay for financially. What’s the living arrangements? Whose name is the house in? Can you afford it now as a single parent? Are you getting Mat leave? Time to focus on practicalities and having as stress free a birth as possible.

You haven’t said anything about the circumstances in which his previous relationship broke down but I’d be interested to know whether he ended it or whether his previous partner did. As it is, it appears he may have a habit of creating children and then walking away.

He sounds incredibly selfish, in any case. He’s got a tiny child with you and a second on the way (though it sounds like your second was unplanned) but he clearly thinks it’s okay to walk out on you. I suspect he doesn’t like not being the centre of attention.

Love is an action. Unless the relationship is abusive or toxic, a mature, responsible partner and parent of tiny DCs doesn’t just decide they don’t love their partner any more and wander off.

But he seems to find it quite easy to walk away. Was his father around growing up? A good friend of mine is married to a man who was raised very effectively by his mother and whose father was not on the scene. When they had children, my friend basically had to coach him in how to parent because he’d not had a dad and couldn’t see a role for himself. Fortunately my friend had a very involved dad as well as a very involved mum so had very clear expectations around her DH’s role as a dad and he showed himself to be a quick study.

That may not be much help in your situation since it sounds like he’s relatively hands on as a dad but he may be unsure how to be in a long-term relationship. Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Sounds very painful and difficult.

Thankyou for the replies. I’ve had a cry this morning and feel so empty, but carrying on. I will try to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy, I’ve booked a mini Mummy photo shoot for me and dc so looking forward to that, we don’t have any nice professional photos of us. Fortunately we were renting and I can afford the bills and rent by myself. I’ve had to cut down on things since he’s left but he’s still giving me a decent amount each week so I’m thankful for that. He gives the ex a decent amount too and always has since I’ve known him so I’m hoping it’s something he keeps up. I do think maybe he’s worried about the finacial strain of another baby. I don’t tend to get as stressed over money as him as I brought up with barely anything and a single mum so I’m used to making do. He comes
from a better up bringing and very invovled parents, as I said they’re now even supporting him now by letting him live at their rent free. I didn’t think about this so deeply, that he left his first DC, he claims he was young and wasn’t ready, he left when she was 3. Maybe this is a pattern, he’s older now we’re mid thirties and I just don’t get it. I think the advice here to just focus on my pregnancy is the right thing to do right now, even though it’s really painful I feel him slipping away from me day by day, I know he’s gone and checked out now, I just hope I can learn to accept it.

It’s hard but well done OP for focusing on you and the children. You can do this. 💐

@Chess2003 how are you doing? I've found myself in a very similar situation and feel lost at sea.

It may be that he's having an affair op, or it may be that he's struggling somehow with the arrival of another baby.
Either way, it's not at all anything to do with you, it's all on him.
The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself as if you were your best friend. Do something nice for yourself each day, speak to yourself kindly, ask whoever you need to for help and support, eat well and sleep well. Only speak to him about anything utterly necessary and do so with no emotion.
Sending lots of love.

I think the first red flag was him leaving his first young child because he wasn’t ready. His parents should not be enabling him like this. He sounds immature.