Male experiencing DV

[ToffeeAppley]

NC for obvious reasons...

Long story, and I'm reporting this third hand, but seeking advice.

My DBro married a lovely woman who he met while travelling in Central Asia. They have now moved to the UK together. DSIL has no family, and few friends here, so she confides in me a lot.

A few years ago, DSIL had a new colleague from the same country, and they became friends. We'll call the colleague "wife." She then got married and DBro and DSIL became friends with husband too.

A few months ago wife had their first child (and is on maternity leave). A couple of months before the birth, DSIL asked me for advice as wife was being violent and abusive towards husband. This included verbal and emotional abuse, as well as burning him, throwing crockery etc. It wasn't clear whether this was a new thing or not. I suggested husband try to speak to midwife/health visitor for support.

DSIL has spoken to me again and things have escalated. Wife is tracking husband's movements, locking him in the house, isolating him and continuing to be violent. She seems to have blocked DBro and DSIL from contacting either of them, but husband did manage to get a message to DBro that things are not good. Husband said that if she ever did anything to the baby he will leave. DBro's messages back have gone unanswered. Wife won't speak to either of them, or their mutual friends.

I don't know them, or their address, or even full name. DSIL is asking me what she should do. Any advice? TIA

I’m assuming your SiL knows their address? She could ask the police to do a welfare check but I’d be concerned that this might have repercussions for him if he’s not ready to leave yet.

There are quite a few organisations dealing with male victims of domestic violence, including the Mankind Initiative, Refuge, Men’s Advice Line and the Adam Project. I’d start by contacting one of them for advice.

Yes, I agree with pp it would be good to get advice from an organisation with experience as husband and potentially baby are at risk, so any action you or SIL take should be one that supports the safety of the victim.

I really hope he & the baby are able to leave safely soon.

Yes, immediate report to police for well check/mental crisis and social services as a baby is vulnerable.

Psychosis can manifest at any time in pregnancy- it’s not just post partum and her sudden changes in behaviour that coincide with pregnancy indicate potential serious mental illness that is making her a danger to her husband, herself and their baby.

You can’t ignore this. She is too paranoid (symptom of psychosis) to voluntarily seek or agree to help.

Contact the police and explain the situation.

You should call the police and/or Social Services. There's a helpless baby in a violent situation who could get hurt or killed.

I'm not sure if the police get SS involved or if it would have to be two separate calls.

If it was just the two of them, I'd say let the husband sort himself out. But you have a baby in the mix whose (probably) primary caregiver is violent. Eeek!

Thank you all, I'll encourage SIL to seek some advice from the contacts suggested, and go from there. I know she's scared to report things, but if that is what the charities advise I'll try to support her to do it.

There's no way that I could report them - I don't even know their official names, just the anglicised names they go by.

Can you ask your SIL their names? You know of an adult being burned, tracked and abused with a baby in the house and you're hesitating to inform the police.

He needs an urgent welfare check as he or the baby could be injured. Someone needs to make sure the baby is being properly cared for.

If you get the names and address you can make an anonymous report to social services safeguarding.