How to navigate a harsh neighbour

[AcquadiP]

I've lived in the same street for 15 years. It's generally a friendly place, we're not in and out of each others' houses but we'll speak in the street when we see each other. I've a female neighbour, married with adult children, who I've tried very hard to get along with. She's very critical and judgemental of just about everybody and likes to express her views about others to anyone who'll listen. Over time she has increasingly made unsolicited remarks to me about my home or what I'm wearing. Usually, she tries to pin this on one of her DC. Eg
that her DD had said that padded coats are not fashionable (whilst I'm wearing one.)

In the past I've just ignored her comments and gone about my day.
However, I've been ill recently, I lost a lot of weight and was signed off work. Unsolicited, the neighbour lost no time in telling me in a harsh tone how skinny I was, how I'd aged and that, according to her, I looked significantly older than I am. I didn't have the energy to push back at that time and whilst I appreciate I wasn't looking my best, those remarks about ageing stung. Unbeknown to her, my doctor fast tracked me for cancer screening. Fortunately, the tests came back negative but they did reveal COPD. I've taken my diagnosis with a positive mindset. I've since returned to work, I've gained some of my previous weight loss and I'm working on keeping my COPD symptoms at bay through exercising.

My question is how do I navigate this neighbour's comments in future? I haven't seen her since my diagnosis and I really don't feel like sharing it with her. I also don't feel in the mood for any of her jibes. Should I tell her straight that I don't appreciate her unsolicited criticisms and risk an awkward falling out? Or should I revert back to ignoring her barbed comments? As background, she's 10 years my junior.

Thank.her.

Thank you, that's very kind of you.

😂
I'd never thought of that!

When I want your opinion I will ask for it.

No point being a doormat for her.

I think you need to be straight.

Next time she starts, don't let her finish. Just put your hand up in front of you and say "Honestly, just save it Barbara. I'm not in the mood for your opinions".

So what if you fall out with her, she sounds like a toxic knob anyway.

I'd actually just tell her to fuck off with her nasty mouth. Falling out with her means peace and quiet.

It's very effective.
They hate it but can't say actually, I was insulting you. I wanted you to be upset.

'Misunderstanding' what a twat is saying to you can be a great deal of fun.

Above.
Why would you stop and give her the chance.
She's poisonous.

You could do the "how are YOU? You look so dreadful, have you been unwell?....and then cut her mid reply and say you have to go.

Get in first.
Hope you feel better soon.

Gosh, that's a really really tricky one. I hate tension/awkwardness with people, and it feels especially unfair that you're having to be the one to figure out how to navigate this when she's the one who's being a dick. I think you have two options.

1. Ignore her, but keep conversations very short. If she stops you to have a talk, you have something very important to get to. Don't initiate conversation with her first.
2. Call her out, not aggressively, but firmly and politely. For example, if she says, 'my DC says coats like yours are unfashionable', you could say something like, 'actually my aunt bought me this and I really love it'. Or you could straight up just say, 'wow, that was a rude remark!'.

It seems like she's definitely doing this as a form of a power trip. If she only did it once or twice and it seemed stupid but unintentional, I'd say she had poor social skills/ might be neurodivergent so doesn't have the 'filter' part. However, doing it repeatedly and in such a targeted way can only be deliberate and a weird power thing. In that regard, I think I'd keep your diagnosis quiet - if she was well intentioned but just stupid, I would advise you to say, 'actually I've just been diagnosed with an illness, so I am going to lose weight and look tired'. However, I don't think you really want someone who is malicious like her to know about your diagnosis - I think you want her to know as little about you as possible. Wishing you luck with navigating this horrible situation!

'Toxic' is a word I'd use of her these days too.

She's much worse than she used to be.

I would avoid her where possible. What a sad life she must lead. I'd be tempted to say something sarcastic. "Thank goodness I'm still nowhere near as old as you" "it's a shame you're setting your kids the bad example of commenting on other people's bodies, I would never do that" big smile, walk away.

I don't usually have to stop. She'll come over to my car as I'm getting out of it or cross the street to speak to me if she sees me coming out of the house.

I do like your suggestion!

Hold your phone up to your ear as if you are having a very serious conversation. Give her a dismissive wave and carry on into the car/house. You could say things like, "Can't stop Beryl. I need to sort this out." Or similar. That would do initially. But I would ignore everything she says or say something vague. The trick is to keep moving.

Thank you.
I'm the same, I hate tension/awkwardness too which is why previously I've ignored her rude remarks.

I think you may be right about her being on a power trip, that thought crossed my mind too.

Get her to repeat it. If she says you look older than you are, say "Oh, so you think I look old?" or "Oh, you think my coat is out of fashion?" Then she has to confirm it and know herself how rude she is or she has to bluster about and try and back track.
Either way should make her feel uncomfortable.
Used to have a colleague who would do similar and that's how I dealt with them.

I’ve never understood this sort of behaviour, why on earth should you care what her daughter thinks is fashionable?! I think you’ll need to tell her straight. A simple “I don’t really care and I need to get on” while keeping moving.

Next time she does it, get right up close to her - right in her face, uncomfortably close - and say quietly and stony-faced, “I have had enough. Do you fucking HEAR? I do NOT want to hear one more word about me, my family, my size or anything out of your vile fucking mouth. And if you try it again, I’ll knock your two frigging eyes into one.”

She’ll be so shocked, she’ll never dare speak to you again.

Yes, kill with kindness. So effective with bullies!!! "My daughter says your coat is unfashionable" "oh bless her aren't kids funny" "you look sick and old" "oh bless you how thoughtful to worry over me". For some reason "bless you" really winds them up. I try to a) imagine they're a toddler and b) imagine they've said something lovely... "oh bless you, that's so sweet of you". Also implies you're not really noticing the barbs in what they say because you're not thinking about them. I also find imagining I've just won euro millions puts a lovely tolerant smile on my face!

A big smile and a ‘have you really just rushed over here especially to insult me? Really, you shouldn’t have’.

Or, ‘Well if we’re discussing personal appearances Maureen, I’ve been meaning to ask what’s going on with you and your hair dresser? Have you fallen out? It looks like the council gave you your last cut’.

Or, and I think this would be far more effective, ‘Fuck off, you nasty old baggage. Don’t talk to me again’.

Hand up

there is a time to be silent & now is one of them, I’m going inside now