How to keep going as a newly single mum?

[Newlysinglemotherof2]

Nc to post this.
Relationship was on the rocks for a few months but ended finally Friday when the lies persisted and he was caught out again (not an affair). We have two kids 16&9 both ND. We’ve been together for ages. We still both love each other but I cannot live with a liar when his lies put my family at risk.

He’s been staying with a relative the past month or so and I’m at home with the kids, the pets, the housework and trying to cope with all the feelings of loss and fear for our future. Kids are coping ok as can be expected.

I’m disabled by medical treatment right now which is causing extreme fatigue which doesn’t help my moods. Usually I’m very cheery but this and the fatigue is making me a bit mardy. I’m trying to stay strong on the face of it but I’m feeling so lost and confused and hurt and I don’t know how to process what has happened. I prefer feeling the loss and hurt than the numbness that seems to be taking over- I hate that.

I know I can only take things a day at a time but a day is a very long time when I’m playing over in my mind the events of the past month. The hope when reconciliation was on the cards and the crash when I realised his problem means more to him than we do just keeps sneaking into my head when I’m trying to keep myself busy with housework and general life crap. I want that to stop.

This is my first proper breakup and I have no idea how long it will take to get over all this.

Any tips or advice from anyone further down the line in a similar process would be really appreciated.

Hi, some of the things I did perhaps aren't as accessible to you if you have a medical condition but I kept a diary and poured everything out into it. It helped me order my thoughts and got my out of constant churning the same thoughts all the time. I took up running but getting 30 minutes of fresh air daily, getting some sort of exercise definitely helped (I also took up other outdoor hobbies with my kids). I did see friends and whilst I did go off food through worry/anxiety I kept everything I did eat low sugar and no alcohol for the first few months so less effects on mood from that (good food doesn't have to be expensive I found). I won't say get as much sleep as possible because I know that might be impossible. Also, any step towards certainty or a conclusion really helped me. Seeing a solicitor, filing for divorce. Be gentle as possible with yourself, treat yourself with compassion. Counseling also helped but to be quite frank my diary helped me more in the first months. I have my fingers crossed for you- it isn't easy.

Thank you @myrtlehuckingfuge I’m hoping when this treatment ends I’ll be in a position to resume some form of exercise although I’m not sure when I’ll have time away from the kids to exercise alone. ExP seems to think he can come and go when he pleases into their lives right now so I get no time away.

Sorry you are going through this. I don’t have much emotional advice but I would say make your life as easy as possible. When I was separating the only thing I ironed was the DCs school uniform, just hang things up nicely to dry. Make simple and nutritious dishes to get your strength back but don’t push yourself, toasted cheese sandwiches or a takeaway are ok too. Drop your standard at home to help you recovery. The split is adding to your exhaustion too. Make sure when you see a solictor that contact is arranged for your dc so you get a break too. These men disgust me that cheat and drop their kids too, absolute scum esp when you are sick too!

Thanks @AnonAnonmystery - I’m in survival mode. It’s all I can do.

He didnt cheat but he lied for years about what is essentially an addiction and ultimately it took priority over his family. He didn’t bother
contacting the kids over the weekend and I’ve no idea if hes going to appear today or not. It’s mucked my day up, I’ve had to cancel plans yet again and wait in for a courier to pick something up. I lost money on an event I was supposed to attend yesterday (a work related thing- self employed) because he didn’t bother replying to me asking if he was still ok to look after the kids.

In don’t understand when he was the one who’s done wrong that I’m the one being punished.

The key to getting over a breakup is to look forward. Focus on what you're moving on towards with your mind, and eventually your heart will catch up.

However if your ex thinks that he no longer has any responsibilities then he needs a rude awakening. Make it clear he has 50/50 responsibilities and don't accept any less.