To civil partnership with this man?

[Changingforthisone25]

Thanks In advance for any replies. Going to keep it short because the really long message I just typed got* *wiped.
Together 16 years 2 children age under 5. Have just gotten him to be agreeable to a civil partnership given big difference in our earnings as he is the main earner and I’m part time so I understand this is the sensible thing to do.
Thing is I’m not overly happy in the relationship due to-

anger issues of his which despite his getting counselling has not fully resolved
(swearing around us raising voice still, historically throwing things, punching wall)
0 sex life as we are at an impasse as I dont want to take contraception and he’s not progressing with vasectomy though amount of sex was v limited before anyway.
can be really inconsiderate such as being asked for an important item for baby dd and returning from the shop without it but something frivolous for him as one example. Occasional oversight of things like nappy change genuinely doesn’t seem to have noticed a poo nappy before I do for instance much of the time.
On the other side he makes me laugh, a fun dad and pulls his weight around the house. Appreciate such things can be undone by the anger aspects though if continuing.
With this background would it be a bad idea to go ahead with a civil partnership or is it all the more reason to do so to ensure we are protected?

What's the relevance of all his minus points if you're happy to continue living with him regardless?

Nothing you say sells the idea of wanting to marry him - the anger, swearing, wall punching etc, zero sex, inconsiderate. How old are you? 16 years is a very long time, and you will have lost a sense of what else is possible (e.g. better men than this).

I'd seek legal advice re maintenance if you were to split. You don't need to be married/civil partners to be entitled to financial help for the children.

Certainly wouldn't do a civil partnership in the context of what you describe. I'd be looking for how best to escape.

I suppose I like to think that if there is a similar incident I’d leave. Feel like my barometer about what is acceptable is off now too though. Ie he has since raised his voice but some do or will.
It’s true I am living with him but as a result of the minuses, not totally happily

@Changingforthisone25 Have just gotten him to be agreeable to a civil partnership given big difference in our earnings as he is the main earner and I’m part time so I understand this is the sensible thing to do.

So, you've had to persuade him to commit to a civil partnership (why not marriage?) And you've done the persuading because you have two young children and are financially insecure compared to him? Do you have a joint mortgage, etc, or what?

You don't sound remotely happy.

So why did you push him into agreeing to a civil partnership?

Wall punching and throwing hasn’t been repeated since counselling so I suppose gives hope of change….
Im 37
by financial help I suppose you mean child support. Am thinking about dividing up the home too etc

Because I understand from threads on here it would provide the best security for my children and I given the disparity in earnings.

want to keep cost as low as poss, see civil partnership as giving as much as same rights without the whole shebang of marriage. Yes to the financial insecurity and joint mortgage.

appreciate all responses on this all

I think you should go and see a solicitor to find out your actual legal / financial position. Usually the first consultation is free. You need to know this to make a decision.

I find it odd you are thinking civil partnership -v- marriage. Yes, the rights are the same AFAIK, but there is no bigger shebang at the registry office for marriage or CP.

@Changingforthisone25 Im 37

Also, you are really young, so young. You could start afresh at anything you choose to do now. It sounds like you've been shut up for the past 16 years and trudging along.

You’re confusing marriage with a gigantic wedding party.
An actual wedding costs barely anything.

I did consult with a family solicitor a few years ago. Sorry only just remembered to include. Her advice was yes you can protect yourself to an extent with cohabiting contracts and wills but generally over riding advice was to get married or c.p. I wasn’t feeling so unsettled at the time so not sure if that would have changed her recommendation.
I suppose if neither of us are that bothered about the whole white wedding thing we associate cp with being more low key but appreciate if that’s misguided.

I really don’t feel it! I know it should never be too late to change one’s path. But it would mean a big upheaval. Couldn’t afford to remain in south east for instance so would need to move probably back to my home town. And when the relationship is good it’s really good so feels worth fighting for.

Its great getting these perspectives on it all though

@Changingforthisone25 Get legal advice again. Also bear in mind that your sex life is unlikely ever to return, and you're only 37.

I may be being obtuse. He is anti marriage for other reasons that may be outing..

Eh?

I can’t help but wonder if part of the bed death going on is to do with my annoyance about the lack of progress with or interest in the c.p. Too. So query if doing that may help address the other issues

You can’t protect your children from the misery if the angry, sexless, marriage with the guy who can’t be bothered to romance you or change a nappy for his kids.

He doesn’t want to secure your position financially. If he wanted to he would do it. My DH spent 30 years making all the miney and meticulously planned to secure me and the children rain or shine. If he doesn’t think about your financial security and the children’s needs he doesn’t want to.

You can’t afford to be part time or a SAHM. Its an untenable, costly, mistake. As for the civil partnership? I wouldn’t share a theatre subscription with someone like your partner. Let alone a life.

I’m being vague about the why not marriage point because I’ve mentioned what he objects to about marriage to others before that may read this thread and identify me

I was in my prime in my late thirties. Completely changed career direction, it was an amazing time. I wasted my twenties with a man I didn't marry, - and didn't want to in the end - had an abortion age 28 which I never regretted, knew it would've meant being chained to him forever even unmarried.

You say you're not happy in the relationship. It's not surprising, from what you say. I think you could consider the possibility that you could do better. You've had no experience of 'out there' for 16 years.

Unless this guy is an irresistible sex god, I doubt the good sex times will be returning anytime soon, after 16 years and his anger issues.

It works both ways. I’m not romancing him ! It’s difficult because it’s inconsistent. He can have them all day and Dona good job of it not be totally inept all the time.
I agree I’ve made a mistake which I’m trying to address now. I can’t take the kids back

Thank you. Really is food for thought. It would just mean a lot of sacrifice. My dream career is south east dependent. My eldest is likely neurodivergent so the thought of unsettling the school is really hard too

@Changingforthisone25 It sounds as if you're just waking up from a long sleep. Take your time, but at the same time, be aware there's no time to lose.