Does anyone else have a partner they get very little conversation from?

[Netters37]

I’m not even sure exactly how to descibe him. He’s a kind, generous man who works hard and always makes effort to see me, do things together but I’ve had a bit of a light switched on and realised the conversation is just not really reciprocated. I kinda talk at him and he just agrees. I’ll be telling him a story and he will just say “ah really?” Or say I’m ok the phone and come off it he would never ask who that was or anything about it (I don’t mean in a nosy way, just a general conversation). He’s had stuff go on in his life (wedding invites, job things etc) that I learn about weeks if not months later, just doesn’t think of share these with me.
if I tell him a story of something that upset me say in work, or in a shop or something he will say “that’s really crap”, the same line, never ask any questions.
the light bulb moment came really when I was waiting on a hospital appointment and the letter came through and I was so glad as this has been worrying me, glad to get appointment but also then nervous to see what’s going on. He didn’t once ask how I was feeling, when it was etc. he was there when I opened the letter and I told him “oh great this is the appointment”.
you might said in response to this that I should just tell him, not wait to be asked but I would just love a bit of interest/care. I’ve brought this up and he says he does care but that he doesn’t want to pry

That seems like a good decision.

I’m away from home a lot looking after my mum. My ex would ring me when he was driving somewhere because he was bored and would expect me to entertain him and chat away. He would never make the effort to make conversation with me. If I’d had a rough day, I didn’t feel like making chit chat to make his drive go more quickly. He also had few opinions on anything much. I came to the conclusion that there just isn’t much there or that he’s intellectually lazy.

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience @MrBallensWife That’s very sad. My ex was awful to me after my dad died. My theory is it was because my attention wasn’t on him. I’d have left then if I’d had the means and the energy.

My ex was like this and I didn't see it for years although looking back I know that members of my family and friends saw it way before me.

I know exactly what you mean about you having enough conversation for both of you. I realised much later that I made all the conversation and he joined in and replied but never initiated anything.
It became an issue as time went on because I began to notice he was like it with other people and just couldn't/didn't make conversation with my friends and family. It drove me mad.

And it wasn't a ND thing, he could do it when he wanted to and is successful in a job that requires him to communicate a lot, he just had an arrogant attitude and frankly just couldn't be bothered with "pointless small talk" as he called it.

We aren't together now. But from what I hear from my kids his new partner is very talkative so presumably the pattern of her making all the effort continues.

Then in no sense is he your partner. He doesn’t have conversations with you, he doesn’t tell you anything about his life, you don’t live together. He’s not your partner. It’s not a partnership.

My DW.

I'm just not a talkative bloke, Not with her, not with anybody.

Some of us are born taciturn.

And is she the same with you?

My parents are like this.
I could be running for president and they wouldn't notice or ask!

My DH is like this and I strongly suspect he is autistic. I've given up making conversation now and we haven't had a proper chat in months, maybe longer. If I talked I was just getting the bare minimum reply with no care at all or follow up questions. As far as I can tell he doesn't have anything more than a surface level chat with anyone.
You are not tied down. I would cut your losses now.

This is me also.. I have a thread about settling or not.
It doesn't and won't change. It is lonely and I feel sad about the young woman I was eagerly trying to make conversation and putting up with silences or lack of communication at weddings/with friends etc. I'm sociable and it's v hard.

I'm currently going through the same OP. My partner is lovely, caring in that he goes out of his way to do small things for me and we love each other. I would say this is his only fault.

We're coming up to five years together now, and live together with a dog. I'm deciding what to do for the best. It's no life to feel your partner isn't interested in your conversation-and it probably won't get better but we have so much love for another, it's really tough.

You have my sympathies

Well we are a couple but don’t live together and we aren’t married. I have children and no intention of a man living with me until they are adults (if at all)

My ex was like this with everyone. Very avoidant. He has some deep rooted issues

I seen a thing on instagram that said “is the date fun or are you fun” and it really made me think. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think I’m the life and soul of the party, but our time together is fun because I bring the that, conversation, energy etc

How do you have a deep connection with someone without good conversation? What you’re describing as a relationship would seem completely pointless to me.

Yeah I guess that’s what’s missing- the deep connection, the care and meaningful engagement. That’s not to say he doesn’t care about me but on that deep emotional connecting level I’m not sure it’s there

Oh I had this with an ex. He could monologue for ages on his passion, and we could have a 2 way conversation about things like the news or something he was interested in. But if I talked about things in my life he'd listen and when I stopped talking there would quite often be no response, or some banal phrase (similar to oh dear, but can't remember exactly what it was now). If I asked him to respond he'd repeat what I'd said back and say he was listening, but it was soul destroying. He also didn't look at me when talking - it would not surprise me if he was autistic

Having had two autistic partners and experienced this same thing, it sounds like he could be the same. I once asked my partner why he'd not asked me anything and he said that in his mind, if I wanted him to know something then I'd just tell him. Talking at a partner rather than with them is not very satisfying, but if yours is on the autistic spectrum you may have to settle for it.

Yes my DP is like this, we are on completely different frequencies. I have older DC though, we are on better frequencies or perhaps they just put up with my rambling on!

Having said that I don't think it's just frequencies. My DP is very very self centred, so much so that I'm sometimes embarrassed by it. I deal with his lack of interest in me and my life by not telling him stuff and by reflecting back the behaviour. For example I don't ask questions and sometimes just start talking about something else randomly. I know this may sound sad but honestly after a while it becomes quite normal and easy. The fact I can tell he sees this tells me that he does know he does it.

This sounds like a truly awful and depressing way to live @1apenny2apenny

I’m in a similar situation.. I have to be the one to start conversations he will never ask how I am or ask about anything .. although I’m sure my husband is autistic.. he also has no friends and no interest in having any.. also doesn’t like me arranging social things so we can’t do couples dinners or even family things he tries to get out of, I only see friends outside of him, he doesn’t like going out, doesn’t like talking .. we went out for Mother’s Day dinner yesterday and he didn’t want any talking between any of us - daughter and stepson , so we all sat in silence and it hit me as all I could here were the other tables conversations … I’ve personally got to the point where I have to make a decision.. I think is life is too short and you have to put your wants and needs first..

Actually not allowing others to have a conversation is completely wrong. You are right not to put up with that.

My DO is like this. He only has a certain number of words in him. If they are used up at work then very few are left for me. I thought he was a great listener but really he's just not a great talker. However he is devoted to me in acts of love. Fuels up the car for me (I hate it), is renovating our new house in every free hour he has, hates social interactions but offers to take me and collect me from every event, mostly I decline but know he's there practically for me. A major funeral I needed to go to early on in our relationship sums this up. He asked did he need to attend with me, I said no, so he offered to drive me (1.5 hours away) and waited somewhere close by to take me home about 5 hours later as he knows I hate driving in the dark as my eyes are aging.

It used to bother me, but I realised that you can't get everything from one person. I see me friends and family for chit chat although he will happily listen to me chatter it's not exactly reciprocal. We can talk well to make plans. Conversations with a purpose are ok, conversations about a TV show too, chat for the sake of it less so. Lol

This is a great post! It does seem to me that women get caught out by blokes in two ways - either they don't say much, which can be such a change from the self-obsessed talkative bore on a first date that it allows the woman to breathe a bit, she might think she's hit the jackpot. Takes a while to realise it's because the bloke doesn't have any interests/chit chat.

Or there's the other bloke who is Mr Personality on a date - but again doesn't exhibit much interest in the other person, so they certainly don't feel like Ms Personality in their presence.

My husband often diverts his attention to our dog as soon as I start speaking, and despite discussing this pattern continues,I've now chosen to say less less lesser and I don't care much ! tbh.
Thankfully I have got friends, so I am okay !

just give him the taste of his own medicine