Managing ex's visits after relationship break up

[ExIssues]

Would appreciate some sane advice.

Split from ex in July, reason being emotional, verbal and occasional physical abuse towards the children now aged 3 and 5.

Ex moved to his mum's a 40 minute drive away. He isn't working. The house is small - a 2 bed terrace.

Ex does not want to take the children to his mum's unless I take and collect them. He also doesn't want them overnight there (tried this a few times and it wasn't a success as there's no space for them to sleep comfortably).

3 year old does better if he sees his dad regularly. 5 year old not that bothered but there was and is quite severe favouritism. On balance I think it's better for the kids to see him, he is much better with them now although still don't really trust him for long periods.

Due to all this, ex has been seeing the children twice a week at my house. It's usually me that asks when he's seeing them - he won't agree to a regular schedule or plan ahead at all - he would text 9pm.the night before saying he's coming which doesn't work for me as I like to plan my life a bit. Sometime takes them out for a few hours, sometimes not. Kids are often watching TV for hours while he is on his phone in another room. He also eats my food, drinks my alcohol and treats the place like a hotel.

I cannot stand him hanging around my house 2 whole days each week. It is driving me mad. I have tolerated it for the kids but I can't carry on. I want him to sort out somewhere to look after them or at least take them out for the whole day.

I want him here a maximum of one evening a week and not at all in the daytime. How can I deal with this. Any ideas?

Mediation or solicitor. Get it in writing

Of course, the only option is to tell him what your boundaries are, and enforce them. The problem is that he will either attempt to ride roughshod over those boundaries, or he will punish you by withholding his time and affection from the children.

I would sugest that you tell him what you are wiling to accomodate, but be prepared for him to disappear. I'm sorry.

Ime it's a mistake to have them seeing the kids in your home and prolongs moving on and probably confuses the kids as well. At this stage you need routine for them and for yourself. If thd house is in joint names you wont be able to keep him out.

Perhaps a letter from a solicitor setting out times for him collecting them and returning them as a starting point for negotiation is more appropriate than mediation due to abuse.

Should your kids be seeing their abuser? They must be terrified. Was the child abuse documented?

Your kids will need trauma based therapy, the child abuser can go to court to sort access to his victims. Unfortunately. Don't facilitate his access, only communicate with him by a parenting app.

He's playing you like a fiddle isn't he.

I'd stop all contact and let him take you to court. He can present a plan of how and when he will see the children away from your home.

If that needs to be supervised for their safety then push for that.

He definitely shouldn't be coming to your house and actually, I wouldn't be making the kids available to an abusive parent in that way.

Sounds like he probably won't bother if it's not laid out and arranged for him.

He abused the children? I wouldn't be allowing any contact whatsoever and wait for him to take me court for access

I'm not keen on court because I don't see how that will improve things for the kids.
I have no evidence of abuse - he will deny it all.
I am only trying to do what's best for the children. They do want to see him, particularly the younger one gets very upset if he doesn't.
I can tell him not to come into the house but he won't like that and will tell the kids it's my fault etc. I think it's a bit sad when children have to meet their dads in McDonald's on a winters afternoon.

Can anyone give me an idea what a court would consider or be likely to decide?

The court would say that you need to make the DC available for contact and most likely he has to pick them up and return them.

He will bad mouth you to the DC regardless as he isn't a nice person and doesn't care about their emotional wellbeing.

If he speaks poorly of you to your children, he is continuing the abuse.

If the three year old continues to want to see his father, are you sure that this isn’t more fawning, that your child doesn’t know any other way to live?

I would suggest getting some proper advice. Might Women’s Aid help with that?

I have read your OP again. You say that there was abuse towards the children.

Ask social services for assistance. I think you want to work towards contact being supervised independently to ensure ongoing safety. It will mean going to court eventually.

Do not let him into the house any more. Ever. If he abused the children in the house, your work now is to make the house always asafe, warm place for them to live and blossom.

If they have to go out with their dad, create an After-Dad routine that is gentle and kind. Something simple for dinner (always the same), a bath (water play is good at releasing tension), stories, cuddles and a quiet bed time.

Thank you. I do need advice. It's hard to know where to turn. I am afraid of making things worse somehow.

I had some counselling with relate before we split and the counsellor told me that it wasn't abuse it was differences in parenting style. That really made me doubt myself.

I did try women's aid and the nspcc previously but could never get through on the phone. I will try again.

Sorry you had kids with a fucktard. He sounds a lot like my ex fucktard except without a coke habit. Luckily mine was only abusive to me and not the kids.

Don’t let this arrangement carry on at your house. I’m still there 4 years later and it’s awful, much too late to put down boundaries. I cannot wait until the divorce is finalised and I’m no longer in the family home.

If he doesn’t want them overnight then he should have one day at the weekend, one of you does each way. 40 minutes isn’t far. Kids see their dad and you have a fucktard free home. If you’re worried about how he is with them do you trust his parents to supervise?

You are right. I'm trying to move house so that will help. Hope your situation resolves itself soon! Mine has a cycling habit, only partly joking but I feel this has most of the same effects as any other addiction, it comes before anything else in his life. All money, time , effort goes on cycling, he can't work because of it.

Yes I will suggest doing the day at his again (or he can take them out). I'm happy to collect them or drop them (not both on same day though). I offered this before but it was declined - he doesn't want to drive 2x 40 mins without a break. His mum is ok. His dad isn't but doesn't live there.