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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone report a concern of coercive control ?

11 replies

Coercivecontrol · 22/02/2025 17:23

How is it investigated ? What if the victim denies it ?

Concerned about a family member and am seeing a lot of warning signs this may be going on ?

OP posts:
Diningtableornot · 22/02/2025 17:25

Someone more knowledgeable than me will reply, but I think the report would have to come from the victim. Stay as close as you can to your family member and make it easy for her to talk to you without putting pressure on.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 22/02/2025 17:28

Hiya I'm a police officer and work in DA

Anyone can report a third party allegation, but unless you have stone cold proof and the victim confirms, then it's most likely going to just be recorded with nothing further happening.

Why would the victim deny it? Is the victim naïve/in denial, or could it actually not be happening?

username299 · 22/02/2025 17:28

What evidence do you have?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 22/02/2025 17:29

You can request a Claire's Law on the victim's behalf, as well.
You wouldn't be told anything, but if there is relevant information to share about the suspect's history of DA then the victim would be told about the history. Victim wouldn't be told who reported it (usually).

CombatBarbie · 22/02/2025 17:29

On Police Scotland online reporting it asks if you are the victim or if you are concerned about someone. So yes you can report.
Not sure how they would deal with it though after speaking with you? It would be quite difficult to navigate I imagine.

Original poster
Coercivecontrol · 22/02/2025 17:34

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 22/02/2025 17:28

Hiya I'm a police officer and work in DA

Anyone can report a third party allegation, but unless you have stone cold proof and the victim confirms, then it's most likely going to just be recorded with nothing further happening.

Why would the victim deny it? Is the victim naïve/in denial, or could it actually not be happening?

This is the thing I have no concrete proof but a few things have happened over the last few years and then the person I’m worried about (a male relative) has become more isolated / we hardly see him.

When we saw him a lot his wife would always be calling and texting constantly and he seemed on edge ? I overheard a few things she was obviously having a go / asking were there women there he wasn’t related to and he seemed overly apologetic and nervous . But came back and said all was fine.

One horrible incident was when he had some surgery and wasn’t well after as developed an infection and she had a go at him that he needed to man up and really made fun of him horribly.

Recently contact has just got less and less, he is never able to come to family events and says he has work or is busy with wife/children etc . I may be totally wrong about it all but it’s just playing on my mind .

OP posts:
Original poster
Coercivecontrol · 22/02/2025 17:35

Maybe it’s worth just having it recorded even if nothing happens it may be information that is needed at a point in the future.

OP posts:
AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 22/02/2025 17:39

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 22/02/2025 17:28

Hiya I'm a police officer and work in DA

Anyone can report a third party allegation, but unless you have stone cold proof and the victim confirms, then it's most likely going to just be recorded with nothing further happening.

Why would the victim deny it? Is the victim naïve/in denial, or could it actually not be happening?

Why would the victim deny it?

Honestly, I'm stunned you're asking this question! Surely you must've come across victims who either refuse to admit what's happening, are simply terrified of repercussions or how they'll manage to survive financially without the abuser. Or they simply refuse to break up their family over it/uproot their kids or are frightened to become a single parent.

I've been in this situation and have lived in 2 different Women's Refuges over the years (same instance but had to be moved to a different one) and every other resident in each of them said they refused to admit what's happening for a long time for one of the above reasons,

OP, no advice but I sympathise as I have a friend who is in a coercive relationship but is an immigrant whom married a British man (her abuser).
As they have a baby and the fact that if she leaves him, she will have to return to Romania, she steadfastly denies there's any issue whatsoever! Even though she knows full well that I've witnessed his behaviour. He has now begun to isolate her from all of her friends here, including me and he has now stopped her from doing school runs to keep her from seeing me as he knows I've witnessed his behaviour. It breaks my heart every time it pops back into my mind. I'm powerless though and I don't even have the power of words, as I completely understand her reasoning for staying as she desperately wants to raise her children away from Romania. I'm clueless as to how to help her.... I have no words of encouragement at all.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 22/02/2025 18:15

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 22/02/2025 17:39

Why would the victim deny it?

Honestly, I'm stunned you're asking this question! Surely you must've come across victims who either refuse to admit what's happening, are simply terrified of repercussions or how they'll manage to survive financially without the abuser. Or they simply refuse to break up their family over it/uproot their kids or are frightened to become a single parent.

I've been in this situation and have lived in 2 different Women's Refuges over the years (same instance but had to be moved to a different one) and every other resident in each of them said they refused to admit what's happening for a long time for one of the above reasons,

OP, no advice but I sympathise as I have a friend who is in a coercive relationship but is an immigrant whom married a British man (her abuser).
As they have a baby and the fact that if she leaves him, she will have to return to Romania, she steadfastly denies there's any issue whatsoever! Even though she knows full well that I've witnessed his behaviour. He has now begun to isolate her from all of her friends here, including me and he has now stopped her from doing school runs to keep her from seeing me as he knows I've witnessed his behaviour. It breaks my heart every time it pops back into my mind. I'm powerless though and I don't even have the power of words, as I completely understand her reasoning for staying as she desperately wants to raise her children away from Romania. I'm clueless as to how to help her.... I have no words of encouragement at all.

Edited
Show quote history

Ok my question could have been phrased differently - sorry about that.

What I was trying to ask, was why the OP said they thought the victim would deny it.

weareladyparts · 22/02/2025 19:03

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere don't worry, I interpreted your comment as you wrote it! I don't think it was badly written.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 22/02/2025 19:11

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere Gotcha.

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