Understanding each other's load

[Justacoupleofbiccies]

Hi,

I'm looking for some perspective on our situation and how to approach it. It feels like me and DH are right in the trenches of busy family life atm. We are both tired and busy, but there is a difference of opinion about how things are shared/ should be shared between us.

So without revealing who is who ( for now, I will open more about the situation once I've gathered some neutral perspectives), which of us, if either, has more on their plate?

A: Works a very physical job, no responsibility, if off someone else can do their work. Training for more responsible role, training takes place during work time. Usually works 6-14, occasionally works 11-19, and the odd weekend day. Often has 3 days off in a row during the week. Picks up toddler from daycare most days. Uses the car to get to work and do daycare pick up. 30 minute commute, daycare 5 minutes drive away. Has a nap almost every day, usually chills/ naps at home for an hour before picking up toddler. Looks after toddler and cooks till B gets home ( can be 18 or 23 depending on B's shifts. Cooks preagreed dinner 3 nights a week. Vacuums every couple of days, tidies living room and kitchen most days, empties cat litter, does small shops or a bigger shop with a list, helps bigger kids with homework occasionally. All car related maintenance. Has headphones on and goes upstairs from a few minutes after B gets home till bed time unless B is working an evening shift, on these days they also do bedtime. Sleeps with toddler most nights as goes to bed early due to shifts. Lives in native country, uses native language.

B: Has a responsible job working with own case load of vulnerable clients. If off sick work piles up as can't easily be done by someone else. Mainly desk work but 2 days a week has more physical tasks. 3 days a week 9-17, 2 days a week can be days or evenings working 14-22, often works weekends and shifts can work out that they have 7 days in a row working without a day off due to having 2 roles. Takes toddler to daycare and kids to school almost every day, out the house at 7.30 to get to work by 9 on public transport. Does all bills, handles all communication with schools and daycare, books care times, takes kids to all appointments ( 1- 2 a week as kids have chronic health issues and need support services to manage them), gets and renews all prescriptions, all laundry, most cleaning, meal planning, almost all food shopping on public transport after work. Cooks dinner about 4 days a week. Usually does bedtime and all childcare from when getting home till toddler goes to bed. Never has time to nap. Sleeps on the sofa if working late so as not to disturb A and toddler. Studying part time in free time. Not living in native country, uses non native language they are fairly fluent in for work and studies.

Thank you in advance for your answers!

Rather than arguing about who has more on their plate, have you tried discussing what you can do to ease the load all round? Being right won't make much of a difference.

Have you each things you'd like to change?

It's pretty obvious which one is you by the language you.have used.

Definitely obvious which is which and still not that persuasive.

Yes you are all right, I tried to write neutrally but I guess the frustration still shows!

@ProfessorInkling this has been my approach but we are currently at an impasse- I would like us to reasses together how we split things/ how things could be done differently so it lightens the load all round.

DH's perspective is that he's very tired and doesnt want to do anything else or change things, and I just need to find the energy for anything left over. This works in the short term, like when someone is ill, but this current arrangement has been going on for over a year and I am burning out.

Any suggestions for how to get communication flowing and us working as a team again?

For many years we had a good dynamic, when the older kids were small we managed to split things fairly quite naturally with plenty of time and energy left over for cosy evenings together.

Now we only speak a few minutes a day and everything is feeling very transactional.

Is this just the reality of going from 2 kids to 3? Parenting in your 40s vs parenting in your 30s?

I think you need to work out how you both can have the same amount of leisure time. A very physical job is not the only thing that can make you very tired. Would he be receptive if you discuss that?

I think you are right, we need to try and have this discussion again about free time and rest. It's very difficult to stop it turning into an argument about who's more tired, but that doesn't help us. DH tends to take any discussion of the subject as an attack, but this current situation is not sustainable.

I love my work, but mentally and emotionally it takes a toll and I need more time to switch off. Currently my days off are spent cleaning, taking kids to appointments, and studying. If I could get back even a few hours a week of genuine free time that would lighten things a lot.