Never want her to come back

[StJamesInfirmary]

TL:DR My mum snoops through my things, found something private today and I'm pissed off. Needed somewhere to vent.

I am 8 weeks pregnant and quite anxious about it. Don't want to tell anyone yet. DH knew this and 2 weeks ago told his DF anyway. I've since felt pressure to tell my mum as she would be furious if she found out FIL knew and not her. I wasn't happy about it as she's not a typical mother and often makes things complicated and harder.

I bought ovulation strips when we were TTC. Never ended up using them but they are in a small brown paper bag, crumpled up, squeezed next to cleaning products under the sink in the downstairs loo. Very inconspicuous.

Today I was talking to her and out of nowhere, apropos of nothing we had been talking about, she asked if DH and I were having more children. It immediately flagged as a weird question and I skimmed over it. We went out for a meal tonight. I decided to tell her. She was happy and it was nice for 10 seconds then she admitted she had seen the ovulation strips.

I told her it made me uncomfortable that she had been digging around in my stuff. She tried to excuse it like I shouldn't leave things lying around if I don't want her to see. It wasn't bloody lying around, it was tucked far out of sight! I dropped it as didn't want to spoil the moment but as time has passed this evening it has made me so angry that she invaded my space again and this time found something very private.

This behaviour is totally normal for her- she even pulls things out of my rubbish - and it's just made me never want her to come back to my house again. I just have no trust in her and feel so let down once again by her disrespect for normal boundaries and gaslighting saying I shouldn't have left it lying around.

I haven't told anyone about the pregnancy so writing here as no one else to tell (DH obviously knows but already dislikes her and won't say anything helpful) and need to vent.

I feel for you. It should be a time when you’re relaxing and someone snooping through my things makes me fell uncomfortable too. I have a family member like who thankfully I don’t need to see very often, but she’ll often go through my handbag if it’s in another room. At my house she’ll go to the loo and I’ll find her in my room rifling through drawers rooting at the bottom - god knows why but she’s been like this for decades. She has no healthy boundaries. Sounds like your mum doesn’t have boundaries either. Can you talk to her (when you’re feeling up to it) and explain and say it’s just not acceptable - you’d like a respectful relationship whereby she doesn’t go through bins etc. it’s not normal.

My ExH also used to rummage through stuff I’d put in the bins and I just find it incredibly rude.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

Oh dear, OP. That’s so disrespectful; no wonder you’re so angry

Sounds like you’ve spoken to her previously about your boundaries - although I would have thought nobody should need telling.

How much will you need to rely on her once the baby comes? Because I’d be very tempted to tell her that you don’t think she’ll be seeing the baby much. When she asks why, you say you can’t trust her in your house so she’ll only be seeing the baby if you take her to your mum’s.

Will that stop her?

Thank you for your replies. It's a relief to get it off my chest tbh. There's almost no point in raising it with her. She is a or at least has a lot of traits of a covert narcissist so it will cause more issues. I've literally just started therapy this week and established in the first session that my aim really was not even to establish boundaries with her, it was just to come to terms with who she is and make peace with it as she'll never change and I'll never leave my DB to deal with her alone.

We live 200 miles away so don't rely on her for anything. This is by design as she's unreliable and emotionally manipulative. This has been a slow realisation I've come to over the last 10 years and even trying to create distance (psychological and geographical) has been met with insane tantrums from her. She's not all bad all the time but my god once my eyes opened to who she really was it's been really hard to stay on civil/good terms but I have done as the FOG is stronger than the self preservation.

you ex-h, wow. Before or after you had split.
but your family member is off the wall.

It’s a boundaries issue. ExH was before we split. My family member is still like this now - no boundaries and when you go out for a nice meal she sits loudly asking about your sex life. I can’t cope with her anymore. She has traits of BPD.

OP - vent away here all you like. The therapy will work wonders. I was a people pleaser who wouldn’t say boo to a goose and avoided all confrontation. Two courses of therapy and I can now tell people irritating me to eff off in a straight or more polite way and it’s liberating!

It sounds like you’ve done what you can by moving away to protect yourself and it means you and your family will have a more peaceful life. I’d second minimal contact when you’ve had the baby too - no child wants that toxicity in their life. You’re a strong woman and you’ve got this!